It's my first post on this page, right now I am going throgh a very personal and private inner turmoil. I am desperate, I am lonely, I am lost and I am concerned. To say what I am going through at this moment is tough but the words scared, frightened, shocked, worried are but a few that come to mind. I wont explain myself too much as to the cause of all of these as there are many reasons.
My need for pray and help right now goes beyond my simple "pretend prayers" for a start I feel as if I have failed my spiritual life. I am one of those who seek refuge in prayer when I need something. Before I would wake up and say a prayer, when I went to bed ..no matter what state I would be in I would always say thank you God or a simple prayer to my guardian angel, for being at my side, alwyas but then my life went topsy turvy and suddenly I found myself being one of those Christians. I would enjoy the power of prayer and the deep peace I would find in going to mass and occassionally having a good chat with my priest and generally always having believers around me or in my life but that's all changed. My life has changed, I still believe - or else I wont be here asking others to help pray for me to find my way back. I miss that close, safety net I felt knowing that I am a child of God. I know I still am but I need to enrich my spiritual life. I need to change and bring myself close to Him.
Why is this so hard for me right now I ask...well I guess a bit of background is required. I am a proud Roman Catholic, when I lived in another country - a non Catholic country - I enjoyed going to mass and communicating with Catholics from all around the world. We were a proud English speaking Catholic community. The priest was lovely and someone I could relate to and speak freely with. My faith was strong. Then I had to leave this country and found myself in Montreal, I did not like it for many reasons and just couldn't settle into a communtity anywhere there. I left rather abruptly and during this period of time I found I wasn't going to mass. My religion was being challenged in subtle way, everything about me was being challenged. This is never a bad thing but I was spiralling downhill very quickly. Eventually I ended up leaving and am where I am now in Ireland.
Having lived here before I knew what to expect. In ireland I find the spirit is missing. People claim to be Catholic but going to mass is a task not a pleasure. Constantly you are bombarded with negative attitudes towards the church, priest, religion. christianity...just being religous is a nightmare. Even though they all go out of their way to put on a huge show for the very important parts of ones spiritual life as a catholic, baptism, communion, confirmation, marriage. Gosh the money spent and the overall behaviour never ceases to amaze and disgust me here. I feel ashamed as a christian to see these people not having a clue as the spiritual value of it all. Maybe I am too old fashion but when the priest runs through mass and I can barely keep up with the prayers I often wonder why did I even bother coming? More worrisome is the community ...I believe in the peaceful solice of the chapel, church cathedral. that is what I love, the silence away from the noise of every day. No mobiles, no constant gossip (believe me that's something I find the Irish very good at - it should be an olympic spoit out here ;) however in the church still there is constant chatter, who's wearing what, why so and so is not in mass...etc. The overal lack of respect for the needs of others who may just want to be on their knees in deep prayer somewhere peaceful, somewhere that they can find whatever it is they looking for. Now granted I understand not everyone wants this and not everyone is into needing a church or incense or any of that - I respect that and I understand it. I was brought up a Catholic but I also attended different churchs from Methodist, Anglan, have a few Muslim cousins and hindu ones as well, a good many jewish friends, been to a Baptist church, hungout with the Mormons, lived with the Jehova's witness and have a few Seven day adventis friends so I believe I have had a fair amount of exposure to other ways of praising and believing but fundementally it all boils down to one thing for me Faith. Be you Jew, gentile, Toaist, Buddahist...whatever we all have spirituality and faith in one or other shape, size or form so please just grant me that one hour of peace in the church. Sure I can stay in the room at home and go on my knees or head for a walk to the nearest park nothing wrong with that, however society being the way it is here I would be ridiculed in every way or probably sued for infringing on someone elses rights for not praying in my own private space. At the place where I live, the energy and lack of peace is just isn't present. I am a believer in the power of prayer and I believe prayer deserves nuturing and respect. Like anything in this life if we want success or to reap the benfits we have to work on it. I have to work on my spiritual life. I need to nuture it. This can only be done with the help and support of other I believe.
Is it not written somewhere that "where one or more are gathered in my name, my presence shall be felt"...or something like that. Anyway I feel better now for ranting and I am sorry if I upset or offended anyone - that was and is not my intention. I just wanted to write and see if I can fid out what exacty it is that prevents me from feeling that sense of spiritual community that I felt everywhere else but here.
Now more importantly I ask all of you in the prayer community to please pray for me, my spirit - I am far from being a good christian. I need to get back on track I know that not because life is hard at the moment - my life has never been a bed of roses. I need guidence, I don't only need but I want to be a strong believer.