Level 2 Member
Thursday, June 18, 2009, 8:19 PM
I just want to let all of you know that I am leaving this site. The reason is, because the only way I can access it is to turn off my privacy and allow ALL cookies. I really do not like that option, and do not want to be bothered with all of the spam I will receive as a result of visiting this site.
Just to let all of you who have been so supportive and caring, I am doing a lot better and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. There were many times I didn't think I could live through another day without him. I would come to this site and read. It helped to know there were others out there that were experiencing the same pain, and others that made it through their pain. It planted the seed that maybe someday I would get though the intense grief I was in. I still grieve him and always will.
Maybe it is because of the passing of time. It will be 2 years on 8/24/2009 that my beloved husband Chuck died. The hole in my heart will never heal, it is a large as the day he died. But, now I don't cry daily, and cry myself to sleep every night. Many times I sobbed uncontrolably and it seemed like there was no end to my agony Then a miracle happened to me.
One day I was visiting his grave and it was like a big burden was lifted from me. It came to me that he is really gone forever, he will never come back. I think he helped me see that I cannot live my life the way I had been. What was so amazing that it happened in an instant, and from that day on, I feel like I will be able to live out my days without him until I die.
I still to become involved in anyone else, and I will never become involved with any man other than a platonic friendship. I will not ever marry again. I had the "best" and in his lifetime, I knew that no one could ever compare to him. I now that even more deeply in his death.
We had a love that was blessed by God, a love that comes once in a life time. Some people never have that love. Even though his death almost killed me, we were so fortunate to have loved each other unconditionally. and I would go through the pain of losing him again rather than never having him in my life.
One thing that has brought me comfort is that I have made arrangements to be buried with him I went to the cemetery and bought a double crypt for us. Many will think it gross, but somehow knowing I will rest with him has brought me a peace I cannot explain.
So my friends I will say goodby. I will miss you all. God Bless and may you all have peace in your heart some day.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009, 10:46 AM
I just want to ask for prayers for my family. My children's Grandmother died early yesterday morning. It was actually a blessing for all. I say that because she has been in and out of the hospital and rehab since December when she fell and broke her hip. She was 86.
I know she had a long life, but she and my son Bill were exceptionally close. I am so worried about him because he is holding everything in, trying to be strong for his dad. I fear for him when the full reality hits him. My daughter is doing the same. She and her Gram weren't that close until the last couple of years because Bill was always Grams favorite. She showed that throughout her life by NEVER denying him anything, while my daughter has had to basically had to struggle most of her life. She always asked my why Gram didn't love her. It was heartbreaking to watch. In fact Gram was probably 50% the cause of my divorce from her son because of her interference in out lives and the way she treated my children so differently.
Through the years, we kind of made peace and she always told me that I would always be a part of her family, even after I married my beloved 2nd husband. I had a lot of resentment towards her and it was hard to care for her. I guess I just learned to tolerate her. I feel bad for my ex-husband because he was an only child and she also loved him dearly. He is going through a rough time with her death and he blames himself for everything because the night she fell, he didn't help her into bed, but I think he will be OK eventually. Please pray for all of them, especially my children. The funeral is tomorrow, and it will be very small, just us, with dinner at my daughter's after the funeral. As it often happens with someone of that age, all of her family and friends have predeceased her. It's kind of sad that there is no one left to mourn her death.
a very Wilted_rose
Sunday, April 12, 2009, 6:30 PM
To all of you wonderful people. My day has been mediocre so far. I went to my daughter's house to have Easter dinner cooked by my ex-husband. Yes there is a first husband, and yes, we get along pretty well, which is good for the kids and grandchildren. And, NO there is no way in hell that we would marry again!
After dinner, I went to the cemetery, of course, sat and cried, begged Chuck to hug me, and let me feel him around me. Well, it is a windy, cool sunny day here, yet I felt a warmth around me. I just sat there and cried as usual. Then I went and looked for my Grandma's grave that I haven't seen since my Dad died in 2003. I found it, and I am going back and clean her headstone that is almost covered by grass. She was my dad's mother and my only Grandmother. We called her Bup, our version of Bubka. My Bup was wonderful to me, so loving and she never got mad at me, ever. Even when I screwed up, she never raised her voice to me. I miss her so much too. This was the best part of my day, especially when I felt the warmth that I believe was my Chuckie.
Now I'm going outside to do my favorite thing, cut the grass. Good thing I have a riding mower because i could never walk it. I do have a very nice self-propelled mower from Sears. It's a one pull start and great. Unfortunately my son borrowed it several years ago and won't give it back. :-(
Again, Happy Easter to all and may our Resurrected Jesus bless all that believe,
p.s. Of course I'd pick a picture with a dog. ;-)
Christian Glitter by www.christianglitter.com
Thursday, March 26, 2009, 12:35 AM
What great replies! You don't know how your comments and stories have helped me. It's amazing how similar our stories are. I too, didn't get out of bed for 2 days. Well, to be honest, from the bed to the couch all day, then back to bed at 9:00 pm. When I am upset or depressed, I always become sooo very tired, and find it difficult to stay awake. I started having nightmares too which I haven't had in many years. I don't understand, but our history was always a caring one. Over the years we changed, and our lives went in different directions and since Chuck died, our friendship changed a lot. She and her husband go camping every weekend. She lives in N. Carolina and the camping there is endless. She still works and doesn't answer her phone at night, so, our contact was emails, where before we talked at least once a week.
I'm just amazed that we are all going through the same thing. And here we are in different parts of the country. . . I thank you again. It will help me sleep better tonight.
Love and Blessings to you all,
Saturday, March 21, 2009, 10:43 AM
I recently lost my best friend and my "adopted" sister. I don't know if I was right or wrong, but on my anniversary she sent me an email, subject was;" Look what my husband did for me." and she added a photo of a cabin he was building for her for her candle making. I wrote back and told her how wonderful it was for her and what a great husband she had and I was happy for her. I had just come back from the cemetery after putting flowers on Chuck's crypt and I wasn't in the best of moods. I was very sad, depressed and crying. Then i made the fatal mistake of writing that since it was my anniversary, I wished she had waited a couple of days to send me that email. She wrote me back an email that blasted me with a fury and hatred I had never seen from her in the entire 35 years we had been friends. She told me not to ever contact her again, she had blocked my email, and told me to "lose" her phone number and address as she wouldn't accept any contact from me. Five days before I had sent her a "friend" greeting card that she refused delivery on and it was returned to me.
I was so shocked, upset and depressed over losing her friendship I cried for days, and considered sending an email from a different account in hopes that she would read it. I decided not to do that because I couldn't take any more of her hateful comments. I talked this over with my very wise son and he advised me to forget about her and get on with my life. That if she would get so upset over my comment, she had a problem and I couldn't fix it.
She was the only friend who stood by me after my husband died. She was also my maid of honor when I got married.
Right now I am over the inital shock and decided that if she felt that way towards me, there was nothing I could do to about the situation. I have come to terms with her "dropping" me from her life, but I am, and will continue to miss her phone calls, cards and emails.
I feel so alone and sad that she would go off on me like that, and i wish I could "fix" our friendship, but, after the things she said to me, I don't think we can ever be friends again and I will miss her. It is like a death for me that I need to get over.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009, 2:42 PM
2 years before Chuck died, he wanted to go to Ireland and take me and his brother. Well his brother died before we could go. Every time I mentioned going on the trip with just us together, he just said,"Someday" He lost heart after his "baby brother" died from a heart transplant in 2006. I think at that point is when my love gave up his fight to live. He neglected his health to the point it was dangerous. He was an uncontrolled diabetic, and he did nothing to get it under control. Wouldn't test his blood, wouldn't take his shots correctly, sometimes skipping them completely, he ate whatever he wanted when he was out of the house.. I guessd he wanted to be with his brother, mother and father more than me. Oh, he would have died from his cancer eventually, but I think he helped speed it up.
Anyway I came across this poem, and I thought it was a good analogy of his death. He went to Ireland without me.
How can you be so happy knowing we are so unhappy without you?
Not that I begrudge it. This is one time when misery does not love company! If I didn't think that you were not happy, that would be the most miserable thing of all. But still, it's hard to understand your being happy-you who were always so tenderhearted, you who felt so sorry for the dog when we brought her home in a cast, you who were so empathetic. If it were the other way around, could I be happy when you were not?
I've thought about it a lot, and still haven't come up wit any answers, just analogy.
It's like you arrived early in Ireland, while my flight has been delayed for some time. (And still longer, I hope the arrival of the rest of the family!)
So there you are, in some wonderful place, running into people you knew and loved and haven't' seen for years.
Meanwhile, here I am, sad and sulky among my suitcases, because you caught that earlier flight.
Then along comes a tour guide and gives you a choice. Would you like to wait in Ireland for the others to arrive? Or would you prefer to rejoin them in Ohio?
I know what I might say, thanks, but I'll wait here.
So you may as well enjoy yourself. And time probably seems as much different where you are. For all I know, it's a matter of days to you.
Your sense of time was different, even here. For 30 years I nagged you about being late. And now the one-the one thing-I wanted you to take plenty of time in doing, you have to rush.
So, remember, Gráím thú (I love you) and Slán, Slán go fóill (goodby) for now my love. I'll see you in Ireland when my flight is called.
There's a dear little plant that grows in our isle,
'Twas Saint Patrick himself, sure, that set it;
And the sun of his labor with pleasure did smile,
And with dew from his eye often wet it.
It grows through the bog, through the brake, through the mireland
And they call it the dear little Shamrock of Ireland
Wednesday, March 4, 2009, 8:15 PM
Wedding Anniversary, again
Well, Monday, February 23, was my wedding anniversary. Today was the first day that that I could sit and compose myself to post to my journal. I went to the cemetery and changed the Valentine's Day arrangement, and put up a smaller version of my bridal bouquet with a wedding picture of us. It was a very hard and sad day for me. It always is. I will never get over his death, nor will I ever marry again. My husband was one of a kind, and there isn't a man on this earth can fill his shoes. He was such a good person, and loved by so many. He was so handsome he could have been a moviestarbeen a movie star he was so beautiful, but he had a beautiful heart and soul also. He never took himself seriously and always had a bunch of jokes that kept everyone laughing. He also had an open wallet for anyone who asked, and he never asked for anything in return.
My beloved Chuck was a 20 year member of AA. I took all of his coins he got, one for each year, and put them in his suit breast pocket. His sister was standing next to me and asked why I was doing that. I told her "He earned them, they belong with him. Then I put my bridal bouquet in the coffin with him and she asked me why I was doing that. I told her "Why not? I'll never need it again, and I want it with him. It was part of me, and a symbol of the happiest day of our lives." She didn't say anything. I don't know why but I have this nagging feeling that they were removed by his daughter when she took the cross and bible (that I bought him for his birthday the June before he died) and she also removed his wedding ring which she was going to keep. Thank goodness that one of Chuck's sisters talked her into giving it back to me, or there would have been hell to pay, and it would not have been pretty. She also took all of the flowers, and money that was donated, plus a beautiful cover with the 23rd Psalm on it that was sent for me by his co-workers.
I still miss Chuck so desperately, and I still hurt as much as the day he died. No amount of prayer has taken any of the pain away. I am still so mad a God; I'm starting to doubt his existence. In the past 1 ½ years, I've gone from being a believer to being an agnostic.
About me: I ended up going into the hospital on the evening of Friday the 13th. (Ha, go figure) and kept until Valentine's Day. They were going to admit me, but after laying on the gurney in the ER for 18 hours, I couldn't take the pain anymore. When my doctor's substitute came in, I looked at him and told him he had been my husband's doctor. He looked at my name and his eyes got big and his mouth dropped and he whispered, "Chuck" and I said yes. He just shook his head and kept saying what a good person he was, and how hard he had fought the cancer, what a hard worker he was. He said he was really so sorry that he died, because the world needed men like him. I'm sitting there sobbing and nodding my head yes. Then I begged him to please let me go home and told him the rotten, non-care I had gotten from the staff. He asked me if I was having anymore chest pains and I shook my head vigorously no, and said I felt great, (Not) and to please let me go home. He discharged me with the promise that I would go and see my heart doctor for a stress test as soon as possible. I swore I would. I told my kids that I would lie down and die before I ever went back to that hospital again. Right now I'm experiencing some nasty pain in my right side. I had kidney surgery there about 10 years ago, and now I'm having pain again. I think it is the kidney stone that I have had for years and it is just acting up. I've been drinking gallons of water and cranberry juice, but it's not helping. So I guess it's off to the doctors for me. As Bette Davis said "Getting' old ain't for sissies." Whoever called them the Golden Years must not have had a long life, because for me it is a b!+(h.
So that's been my life for the past couple of weeks. I can only hope it doesn't get any worse, even though I know it can.
This picture was taken 12 days after our 1st. marriage. We were young'ns then. I sure would like to know what happened to that shirt. I can't find it anywhere. There is an Irish shop here and they never heard of it. Maybe I can have one made somewhere.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009, 5:34 PM
Well I certainly had a crappy Friday, 13th and Valentines Day. I spent it in the ER. I made the mistake of telling my son I was having chest pains and he hung up on me and called 911. Here comes the ambulance, siren going, lights flashing. It was dark, so it was enough to get all my neighbors attention. I spent the next 18 hours on a gurney in the ER while waiting for a room in Cardiac Care. When my doctor's substitute finally came in to see me, it was 2:00 pm on Saturday afternoon. Turns out he was my husband's doctor. When I told him that, his eyes got big and his jaw dropped. He whispered "Chuck" I started bawling and told him yes. He said "what a good man he was, and such a hard worker. He kept saying what a good person he was. I begged him to let me go home. He made me promise I would go to my cardiologist for a stress test and I promised. Of course after laying on that gurney, getting no response when I pushed the call button when I had to go to the bathroom, I lied when he asked if I still had any pain. I told him no, I felt great. My pain patch had fallen off the day before and I was in withdrawl, and no one would give me anything. I had to get home and get another patch on, plus take my medication that they wouldn't give me. I was also in extreme pain from laying on the gurrney, and I'm still in so much pain, I wake up crying. I do have an appointment with my heart doctor. He use to be gorgeous, but he put on a LOT of weight, so he isn't so cute anymore.
I do have to say about my care in the ER, it was the worst! I got up and disconnected my oxygen and heart monitor to go to the bathroom myself. Then my IV got backed up with blood to the bag, and I finally had to disconnect everything again and walk to the nurses station and show it to them. Sheesh! I have never seen such a miserable group of people in my life. I think that nursing, like teachers, is a calling, and you need to at least like your job, if not love it. If they are in it only for the money, then get the hell out and find another job because you aren't doing the patients any good, or giving even the minimum care. Well that was my weekend. I do believe that it was just stress over my upcoming Wedding Anniversary on the 23rd of this month. Pleas keep me in your prayers to help me get through this pain. Thanks for listening/reading
Thursday, January 8, 2009, 1:13 AM
It's been a long time since I've written in this journal. I have a hard time keeping up with my journal at home. So much has happened since then. another Christmas, New Year, and soon another wedding anniversary on 2/23/09. It would have been 2 years for me and my beloved Chuck. I've been seeing a counselor and last time I saw him, he told me it was time to take down the "shrine' in my house. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I see him again on the 12th and we will discuss that. I joined a dating site to try to force myself to get back into a social life but I unjoined today. I had several contacts, but after emailing and chating with them, I've decided i'm not ready for any king of relationship with a man. I don't think I ever will be ready or even want one. I'm going to be 64 in May and I don't think I want that kind of "drama" in my life of getting to know another man or having him in my life. I live alone in MY house, do what I want when I want. Stay up all night sometimes and sleep until 2 in the afternoon. Some days I cook, well, microwave, some days I just have cereal to eat. I have my dog Shadow, who has been my lifesaver, and bedwarmer for these past 16 months. I don't think I want the bother. Is that wrong to be so selfish?
I have a lot mor to tell after these past months, but it's late and cold down here and I want to go upstairs and crawl into my warm bed and sleep.
Goodnight all, and God Bless
Friday, August 1, 2008, 3:19 AM
Here it is August 1. I had 23 days left with my Chuckie. I'm getting so scared, and it's just like I'm back there. I have had 1 year of this lousy grieving and there is no change in my heart. I still miss him desperately, can't get through a day without crying. I want him back here with me! We didn't have enough time, it was over so quickly, 6 months and 1 day and then he died in my arms. If we hadn't gotten a divorce the first time , we would have celebrated a 20 year anniversary, and that really pi$$e$ me off! I'm just so afraid I won't be able to make it through that day. Please keep me in your prayers on that day. It will be the only support I'll have.