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    Devine guidance

    Monday, June 1, 2009, 9:04 PM [General]

    I am beginning to believe that the Holy Spirit, the Lord.....heck, I would even go with my dead Grandmothers are wanting me to heal.  I open Beliefnet today and I find an entry about finding joy, about finding daily successes, about getting over past loves and one other entry...drdeb's entry on divorce and failure.


    I feel like this was speaking directly to me.  Someone wants me to know that I can heal...I can recover...I have the right to be happy.....that doesn't mean it is going to be easy....but I can....


    I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

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    Saturday, May 30, 2009, 9:12 AM [General]

    Take a deep breath, count to ten, and tackle each task one step at a time.

    -Linda Shalaway


    That is what exactly what I am going to do.....


    Deep breath....

    Count to ten....

    One step at a time.

    I hope you all have a blessed day.

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    One IM can change a day....

    Friday, May 29, 2009, 3:11 PM [General]

    Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  Neil Gaiman


    I agree.  Whole heartedly.

    I got an IM today from G.  G is the man I am trying so hard to get over.  He IMed me and he and I were chit chatting as if things were back to where they were.  I asked him flat out if he thinks of me.  I asked him if he still cares about me.... He talks a good game.  I then asked him if he is still dating the girl from before and he said yes - and it is getting serious.  But he wants to see me.  I don't get it.  It ripps my heart out of my chest.  It makes me want to crawl back into the hole I feel like I am finally getting out of.  Why does he continue to contact me....worse yet...why do I respond? 


    Is it out of need bc I don't feel like I deserve someone who treats me well?  Is it because he made every nerve end on my body stand on end and I am addicted to the jolt he gave me?  I know I reflect on our time together with rose colored glasses.  I know I do not see the time in our relationship clearly.  I look back and only see the good.  Not the nights out where he didn't come home....the desire to be so near me and then so far....


    And yet....and yet I feel like he and I are destined to be in each other's lives.  But not as couple....perhaps as friends?  More like siblings who bicker and fight; tease and play; love and hate.  I so enjoy spending time with him.  I enjoy talking to him, listening to him...he has been SO supportive of me and my dreams...helping me get through some really hard and low times in my life.  And perhaps that is it.  I see him as someone who can lift me up....bc he has in the past....ugh.


    The long and the short of it is this....I love him.  He says he loves me - but he cant do the dad thing so he can't be with me.  So that is it.  We can't be a we.  No matter how good WE are together...WE can't be a WE.  And I guess that is what kills me.


    I have prayed for clarity....for guidance....for a big bolder to drop on my head...anything to help me figure out what I should be doing.  I still don't know.  I don't know what to pray for I pray for everyone else.  I don't know what to do anymore.....


    I am sorry for the is where I am right now.....

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    Thursday, May 28, 2009, 10:23 AM [General]

    Goals....I broke up with a gentleman I was dating bc things weren't working out but I think part of it was that I continue to feel like my life is SO out of order it is unreal.  I feel like I am in survival mode and I hate feeling like this.  I hate feeling like I am drowning half of the time.....there is SO much of my life that I cannot control - my job, the mortgage company, the insurance company, my ex.....I HATE feeling out of control.  I am sure there is a lesson in this somehow...but for right now I am going to set some goals for myself and work on getting what I can control in order instead of shutting down and ignoring it all.

    So I have decided that I need to document how I am working towards my goals.  I have made an effort to do something everyday to work towards my goals.  I have a laundry list of goals that I have set for myself....I guess I need to start looking at them in a bit of a different way....Long Term goals; Short Terms goals; Daily goals.  Perhaps that won't make them seem SO overwhelming and I won't just shut down and hide my head in the sand...

    SO, I am here to organize my thoughts this morning.....with a prayerful heart and open mind.


    Long Terms Goals: By August 2010

    1. Lose weight - I am overweight and I need to get healthier so I can be a better mother, daughter and friend.

    2. Organize my house - I need to set a good example for my dd that organization is possible and that life runs smoother with organization.

    3. Declutter my house - I need to remember that I am truely blessed and that I do not need all of the material things that I have been clinging to - I need the important people in my life - friends, family and God.

    4. Get into healthy routines - I need to walk away from the unhealthy things, too much comptuer time, too much alcohol, too much stress, not enough exercise.

    5.  Keep up with housework

    6. Learn to forgive and have a happier heart - I need to be the example for my daughter for how to live.  I want to set the best example I can for her. I want her to grow up learning how to be the best young woman she can be.

    7.  Financial freedom - I want to pay off my debt; get my home into a position where I will be able to keep my home; live well within my own means - if not below.

    Short Term Goals - Summer 2009

    1.  Reorganize house:  playroom, garage, office, kitchen, bedroom, dd room

    2.  Training for dog

    3.  Paint kitchen, playroom and bathroom

    4.  Log daily food intake

    5.  Menu for dinners/lunches to ensure food groups are being met

    6.  Library weekly - as much for dd as for me - I want to read a book this summer - cover to cover - nothing required - something for me!

    7.  Work on photography - I have found something that i really enjoy and I need to spend time doing something that I truely enjoy!


    So now they are in print.  Now the goals are in my face and right in front of me.  I need to work towards reaching them now.  I pray that the Lord gives me the stregnth to continue working towards these goals when things get hard and the path of least resistance would be easier.  I pray that the Lord provides light on my days when my world feels so dark that I feel like I can't go on.  I pray that the Lord helps me to move in the right direction in my life.


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    Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 5:32 AM [General]

    I am not concerned as to how I was wronged....i guess that I am finally seeing through the anger I have felt for the past three or so years of only being able to see that.  I was unable to see my role in it as clearly.  I was so hurt - someone once told me that their divorce was emotionally damaging, but mine was devastating for me.  He was right.  I lost all sense of who I was.  I made awful personal choices in the midst of it all which I regret.  I have begged Our Heavenly Father for forgiveness and I know that he sees in my heart true sorrow and repentance about what has happened.  I do not want to continue on the same path that I have been traveling on - I know the only way to change any outcomes in my life is to change what I am doing.  I want to learn from my mistakes; I pray to the Heveanly Father that I am learning the lessons he intended for me and then move on.

    Terrific commented that "in God's world, maybe your marriage succeeded for exactly as long as it was supposed to."  I have been thinking about that.  Thank you for the perspective!!  I do believe that I was married to my ex when I was for a reason.  I have survived Ovarian Cancer.  I was diagnosed when I was 25 years old and when I went to the hospital the doctor asked me if I wanted to have children.  I cried and said yes. His hand was guided by the Lords bc as he worked and removed the 8+ lb tumor and everything else, he was able to spare my uterus and my other ovary.  I was able to get pregnant and have my dd.  I have had the rest of my surgery by having a complete hysterectomy.  I sadly am no longer able to have children of my own.  That is something that I still deal with on a daily basis. But I digress...if I hadn't been married at the time of the diagnosis and first surgery, I may never of had the light of my life.  I may never know the joy of hearing "Mommy!!"  I know and appreciate this.  I got the best thing that came out of our relationship and marriage - I got the gift of motherhood. 

    Some one once told me that it takes 5 years to recover from a divorce.  5 years to let the emotional hurt heal.  5 years to deal with things and for some people longer.  I never thought it would take me so long since there was such an emotional disconnect and the other drama going on....but it has been 3 years this month since he told me he was moving out....3 years in Sept since he actually did.  I am just now starting to feel like I can breathe when it comes to him.  I am finally starting to feel like I am able to learn some lessons from that relationship.  I am starting to heal from the devistation he created in my life.

    I thank Our Heavanly Father for the blessings he has bestowed upon me and I pray for his continued guidance in my life.  I also pray for everyone who is going through hurt, fear and need God's light in their life....

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    45 thoughts - stolen from someone else

    Tuesday, May 26, 2009, 10:33 AM [General]

    1.  Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

    2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

    3.  Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

    4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
         parents will. Stay in touch.

    5.  Pay off your credit cards every month.

    6. You don't have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.

    7.  Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

    8. Its OK to get angry with God.. He can take it.

    9.  Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

    10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

    11.  Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

    12. Its OK to let your children see you  cry.

    13.  Don't compare your life to others. You  have no idea what their
            journey is all  about.

     14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

    15.  Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don't worry; God
           never blinks.

    16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

    17.  Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful..

    18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

    19.  It's never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is
           up to you and no one else.

    20. When it comes to  going after what you love in life, don't take no  for
          an  answer..

    21.  Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie.
           save it for a special occasion.. Today is special.

    22. Over prepare, and then go with the flow.

    23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

    24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

    25.  No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

    26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will

    27.  Always choose life.

    28. Forgive everyone everything.

    29.  What other people think of you is none of your business.

    30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

    31.  However good or bad a situation is it will change.

    32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

    33.  Believe in miracles.

    34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
           didn't do.

    35.  Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

    36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

    37.  Your children get only one childhood.

    38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

    39.  Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

    40.. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
           grab ours back.

    41.  Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

    42. The best is yet to come.

    43.  No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

    44.  Yield.

    45.  Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

    3.7 (1 Ratings)

    Lessons from Jon and Kate +8

    Tuesday, May 26, 2009, 9:58 AM [General]

    I was watching Jon and Kate +8 last night - along with what I am willing to bet is most of the country - to watch on national tv a marriage falling apart.  I watched like an accident on the side of the road - you know - the type where you can't help but look...and it wan't until this morning that I was really thinking about it...

    I feel badly for the both of them.  Having a spouse be unfaithful is a painful thing - having a marriage be in trouble is the worst feeling in the world.  To have to live that out under the microscope of the national limelight must be beyond intense, beyond confusing, beyond painful.  I know that I have made some AWFUL choices in my marriage - which fell apart - and having the group of people who were scrutinizing MY every move was awful...but I did not have it televised for the world to see.  I did not have my name dragged through the mud all over the internet in the same way that they both are.  I did not have the photographers chasing me around trying to get a picture of something they can make into being something else.  I was able to live out that pain and torture with the support of my friends and family.  I have been able to give myself time and distance....which is more than they can do - with it being all over tv and the tabloids.

    Anyhow, I was thinking about them in the car this morning as I was driving into work.  My marriage feel apart....I was about to say when my dd was 2.5 but it happened long before that.  He moved out then.  My marriage was falling apart for a long time.  We were going in different directions for a long time.  I thought we were going to make it - but I was wrong.  But I realized something in the car this morning....I was married to a wonderful man.  I was married to a kind, caring, for the most part considerate man.  I did not see these qualities through the haze of frustration I was feeling.  When I felt like he wasn't being a good man, I got mean, hateful.  I said mean things.  I did mean, hateful things.  I was an awful person.  I think now that I drove him into her arms.  I made it MORE than easy for him to disconnect from me and when I finally saw it....when I was finally able to recognize was too late.  He was already gone.

    I hold grudges.  I don't mean to....but I do.  When I get hurt, I hold onto that hurt for a long time and that was something that killed my marriage.  I wasn't able to let it go after he apologized....he would try and do things for me, he would buy me things, he would take me places I wanted to go.  But I wasn't able to see the nice things through the hurt.  Through the anger.  I don't know why I am like this.  I don't like this part of my personality.  I almost feel paranoid sometimes with things.  I feel like if someone hurt me once, they will do it again and again and again.  I can't just say, okay.  You did this.  You didn't know it would hurt me. So, I will accept your apology and move on.  I can't do that.  I can't let my heart be open like that....that sucks.  I want to find someone someday that I can be happy with - but I will never find that if I hold grudges against a person.  I wouldn't want to be around a person like that.  I know that I wasn't like that with the one I am trying to let go of - G.  I didn't hold grudges with G and heavan knows there were plenty of things I should of been more leary of.  I don't know if I wasn't as careful bc I didn't think that I am worthy of being loved, so I let him dump on me....I let him treat me like crap because I didn't/don't think that I am going to ever find someone who will treat me well again. He would do things that some people were like - let him do those things and you are okay with it?  For the most part, yeah I was okay with it - I am an odd duck I guess; but there are other things that happened that I was NOT okay with and bc him being didn't work.  I wanted it to work in the worst way. I would of tolerated too much for that relationship - I don't know why.  I wish the best for him.  I know he wants the best for me.  I know he wants me to be happy as I want him to be happy - we are great friends, but as a couple, we couldn't work.  I was able to let go of the hate and anger I was feeling towards him...why can't I do that with others?  Why can't I forgive?

    I am rambling....I guess the lesson I learned from Jon and Kate +8 is two fold:

    1. My ex husband was a wonderful man.  And I am truely sorry that he and I were not able to work on our marriage/relationship in time to try and save it.  I wish for our dd's sake we had at least been able to - I wish I had been able to be a better person so that he wouldn't of felt like leaving was the only way for him to survive.

    2.  I don't know how to forgive.  I want to learn how. 


    As for the tv show....I will keep them in my prayers....prayers for healing for them personally and their marriage...but also that they are able to look to the Lord and make the best choices for their family.

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    Monday, May 25, 2009, 10:20 AM [General]

    "Behold the turtle. He only makes progress when he sticks his neck out."


    I need to learn how to stick my neck out in a good way...

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    A new season....

    Sunday, May 24, 2009, 10:11 PM [General]

    I have been trying to get my life in order - I am giving myself a deadline of sorts....I am going to try and get my act together in 14 months...not this years bday, but the next one.  I am going to commit myself to blog here to tract my results.


    Everyday I want to do something that will make my life was me trying to rest so that i can get better.  I have an awful cold and I feel awful.  My body is done with the stress. It is making me slow down.  I need to prioritize my life and what is in it and go from there - and learn the word NO.  hehehe  That is not likely to happen....hehehe

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    8 years later.....and still going strong!

    Tuesday, March 17, 2009, 8:36 AM [General]

    8 years ago I was admitted to the hospital and was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.  I have been in remission for 8!! 


    Praise God!

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