“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  Neil Gaiman

I agree.  Whole heartedly.

I got an IM today from G.  G is the man I am trying so hard to get over.  He IMed me and he and I were chit chatting as if things were back to where they were.  I asked him flat out if he thinks of me.  I asked him if he still cares about me.... He talks a good game.  I then asked him if he is still dating the girl from before and he said yes - and it is getting serious.  But he wants to see me.  I don't get it.  It ripps my heart out of my chest.  It makes me want to crawl back into the hole I feel like I am finally getting out of.  Why does he continue to contact me....worse yet...why do I respond? 

Is it out of need bc I don't feel like I deserve someone who treats me well?  Is it because he made every nerve end on my body stand on end and I am addicted to the jolt he gave me?  I know I reflect on our time together with rose colored glasses.  I know I do not see the time in our relationship clearly.  I look back and only see the good.  Not the nights out where he didn't come home....the desire to be so near me and then so far....

And yet....and yet I feel like he and I are destined to be in each other's lives.  But not as couple....perhaps as friends?  More like siblings who bicker and fight; tease and play; love and hate.  I so enjoy spending time with him.  I enjoy talking to him, listening to him...he has been SO supportive of me and my dreams...helping me get through some really hard and low times in my life.  And perhaps that is it.  I see him as someone who can lift me up....bc he has in the past....ugh.

The long and the short of it is this....I love him.  He says he loves me - but he cant do the dad thing so he can't be with me.  So that is it.  We can't be a we.  No matter how good WE are together...WE can't be a WE.  And I guess that is what kills me.

I have prayed for clarity....for guidance....for a big bolder to drop on my head...anything to help me figure out what I should be doing.  I still don't know.  I don't know what to pray for anymore....so I pray for everyone else.  I don't know what to do anymore.....

I am sorry for the downer....it is where I am right now.....