I was watching Jon and Kate +8 last night - along with what I am willing to bet is most of the country - to watch on national tv a marriage falling apart. I watched like an accident on the side of the road - you know - the type where you can't help but look...and it wan't until this morning that I was really thinking about it...
I feel badly for the both of them. Having a spouse be unfaithful is a painful thing - having a marriage be in trouble is the worst feeling in the world. To have to live that out under the microscope of the national limelight must be beyond intense, beyond confusing, beyond painful. I know that I have made some AWFUL choices in my marriage - which fell apart - and having the group of people who were scrutinizing MY every move was awful...but I did not have it televised for the world to see. I did not have my name dragged through the mud all over the internet in the same way that they both are. I did not have the photographers chasing me around trying to get a picture of something they can make into being something else. I was able to live out that pain and torture with the support of my friends and family. I have been able to give myself time and distance....which is more than they can do - with it being all over tv and the tabloids.
Anyhow, I was thinking about them in the car this morning as I was driving into work. My marriage feel apart....I was about to say when my dd was 2.5 but it happened long before that. He moved out then. My marriage was falling apart for a long time. We were going in different directions for a long time. I thought we were going to make it - but I was wrong. But I realized something in the car this morning....I was married to a wonderful man. I was married to a kind, caring, for the most part considerate man. I did not see these qualities through the haze of frustration I was feeling. When I felt like he wasn't being a good man, I got mean, hateful. I said mean things. I did mean, hateful things. I was an awful person. I think now that I drove him into her arms. I made it MORE than easy for him to disconnect from me and when I finally saw it....when I was finally able to recognize that...it was too late. He was already gone.
I hold grudges. I don't mean to....but I do. When I get hurt, I hold onto that hurt for a long time and that was something that killed my marriage. I wasn't able to let it go after he apologized....he would try and do things for me, he would buy me things, he would take me places I wanted to go. But I wasn't able to see the nice things through the hurt. Through the anger. I don't know why I am like this. I don't like this part of my personality. I almost feel paranoid sometimes with things. I feel like if someone hurt me once, they will do it again and again and again. I can't just say, okay. You did this. You didn't know it would hurt me. So, I will accept your apology and move on. I can't do that. I can't let my heart be open like that....that sucks. I want to find someone someday that I can be happy with - but I will never find that if I hold grudges against a person. I wouldn't want to be around a person like that. I know that I wasn't like that with the one I am trying to let go of - G. I didn't hold grudges with G and heavan knows there were plenty of things I should of been more leary of. I don't know if I wasn't as careful bc I didn't think that I am worthy of being loved, so I let him dump on me....I let him treat me like crap because I didn't/don't think that I am going to ever find someone who will treat me well again. He would do things that some people were like - WOW..you let him do those things and you are okay with it? For the most part, yeah I was okay with it - I am an odd duck I guess; but there are other things that happened that I was NOT okay with and bc him being him....it didn't work. I wanted it to work in the worst way. I would of tolerated too much for that relationship - I don't know why. I wish the best for him. I know he wants the best for me. I know he wants me to be happy as I want him to be happy - we are great friends, but as a couple, we couldn't work. I was able to let go of the hate and anger I was feeling towards him...why can't I do that with others? Why can't I forgive?
I am rambling....I guess the lesson I learned from Jon and Kate +8 is two fold:
1. My ex husband was a wonderful man. And I am truely sorry that he and I were not able to work on our marriage/relationship in time to try and save it. I wish for our dd's sake we had at least been able to try...no - I wish I had been able to be a better person so that he wouldn't of felt like leaving was the only way for him to survive.
2. I don't know how to forgive. I want to learn how.
As for the tv show....I will keep them in my prayers....prayers for healing for them personally and their marriage...but also that they are able to look to the Lord and make the best choices for their family.