I have been reading "Fearless" as of late and I am praying about my fears...and how I am dealing with them and how God wants me to feel about things...

This has been an enourmously emotional journey for me...I have been seeing that there are things that I am SO afraid of....things that are just so...insane that I am afraid of....

But this week-end something came to a head...I was unable to walk yesterday morning.  This is a result of the back problems I have had and the neurological issues I am having but I was SCARED TO DEATH! Holy cow.....I still am. I am able to walk and get around but I am scared that I am going to wake up soon and not be able to move....

Help!!  How do I let go of these fears?  I know when facing the medical crisises that I have had in my life I was able to let things go and have faith that God will take care of my needs/issues...but does any one have any suggestions as to how to do that wth my fears??  I don't want to live like this!!!

Do you think you can like secular things and still be a a devote Christian? 

I recently heard an episode of Joyce Meyer talking about how I have been made perfect in the eyes of God and that he loves me no matter what I look like - icky thighs and all.  And that I have been made in the image of God....I know that but I guess to hear someone besides my mother tell me that God thinks I'm beautiful even if I don't....that really had an impact on me recently.  So much so, that when I find myself being VERY critical of myself (which I do on occassion ~ like daily) I have begun saying to myself that I am created in the image of God and he finds me and my thighs beautiful.  I am perfect in His eyes.

OK...so here is the humor today....I opened my email and I get quotes of the day sent to me - sometimes spiritual, sometimes serious, sometimes funny....WELL....

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
  - Miss Piggy

It struck me as funny....I've been working so hard on changing my self-talk about this and even Miss Piggy has good self-talk about her beauty.   I need to borrow some of her self-confidence!!

I woke up happy and hopeful this morning....my dd comes home today!!   I can't wait to see her!! :0)

I hope all have a wonderfully blessed day!!!

I was reminded again tonight of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me....I had an early meeting with my bible/book study group tonight.  I am so at ease with this wonderful group of women...there are married women, single mothers, widows, divorced women....it is such a great group of women in different seasons of their lives.  Just breathing the same air as those wonderful women breathed a joyful lift into my evening.  THANK YOU LORD for those ladies!!! 

I have been feeling like I am fighting off a depressive episode lately.  I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling do down like this with no energy, not wanting to do anything...not wanting to talk to anyone....sigh.

I am feeling a bit down today...I am not sure why....my little one is gone, my vacation is over....sigh.  I am going to try and get moving and clean and see if moving around helps me kick this blue feeling.....

I have been reflecting upon my life a great deal as of late.  I have been attending church on a regular basis as well as getting additional spiritual food - for lack of a better word...and God has provided me wtih such insight into my life.  It is amazing the blessings he has bestowed upon me...and I get so caught up in the everyday life, that I forget to look at the blessings in my life.  I am praying about finding balance in my life.  Balance being a working single parent, daughter, child of God...maintaining my home, being an active participant in my daughter's life as well as my church family...juggling it all.  I don't feel like that I have been living the life God has given me to its fullest. 

I am praying that God gives me the guidance I need to live my life the way He would want me to....His hands molding me....

Its been a long time since I have been here...I had almost forgotten how carthartic it can be to journal like this....well...hello all!! I am glad to be back and look forward to connecting with so many people again!

What would happen if I just let go?.....


That is a line from my horoscope today....What would happen if I just let go? What does that mean?  I didn't realize how much meaning that phrase held...in so many contexts....


For example.....what would happen if I just let go of him?  If I could finally walk away from all memories of the one who broke my heart and release him and his spirit to a greater good….release myself from these bonds?  Let go of him….let go of the pain that he has caused me….let go of all of it?  What would happen?  Nothing….nothing would happen….no something would happen…..I would no longer be held in  bondage by memories of something that wasn’t….it wasn’t perfect…it wasn’t what I would have chosen for myself….Would anything happen if I let him go?  Would anything happen if I let go….only good things…only blessings…..

What would happen if I just let go of the mistakes I have made in my past?  What would happen if I could stop judging myself so harshly?  Well…okay…thinking about this logically….I would be changing my internal speech patterns and I am much more likely to be kind to myself.  I am much more likely to have more self-confidence – not self-hatred.  I may not feel as much of an overwhelming crush of self-doubt and failure.  I may begin to enjoy the skin I am in bc I am not hearing myself say that I am ugly or fat or stupid.  What would happen if I started believing in myself again?  What would happen if I started feeling confident again?  I may actually start living my life again….putting myself out there…demanding the best for myself…demanding that others meet MY requirements – not me lowing my requirements bc I am afraid that if they knew or when they find out that they will not like me anymore.  I would know that I am a worthwhile person – I am worth knowing – I am worth being alive; I am worth it.  What would happen if I let go…only blessings  - only good things.

What would happen if I just let go of my problems…if I gave them up to God?  I would no long have the ownership of them – I would put my trust in Him…that he would meet my needs because I am doing His biding….bc I am a daughter of Christ…bc I am valuable in the eyes of God.

So….I am going to let him go….I am going to release him and his spirit to a greater good.  I release you….I hope that you find the happiness and joy and peace that you have sought and deserved.  As for me…I am going to let go….I am going to trust in God and let go of my problems….let go of my past mistakes…let go and let God…I pray that the Lord blesses me with the strength and grace to remember to let go.

In this joyous holiday season a dear friend of mine is dealing with many problems but the most immdiate is that the life of her 17 year old son is in danger...he is critically ill and at the same time her husband is also hospitalized trying to recover from his own major medical issues.  Please pray for her....for the Lord to provide her comfort, whatever He sees fit for the outcome to be for her boys. 

Lord, almighty and kind Father....I beseech you, please keep your loving gaze on my friend in this time - she needs you now more than ever.   Please guide the doctors and nurses hands as they care for her son and husband....in Your Name I pray...Amen.

St Jude I pray that you watch over my friend...