I'm not sure why I'm here.  I've been in a state of frustration lately and it seems to be getting worse.  I've reached out at my church, soul searched through self-help books and now I guess I'm just trying a different avenue to see where it takes me.  I've always been a person to take charge of my life, make sure everyone around me is happy and secure and I've been kicked in the head by more than one person I've helped in many ways.  I always try to be a good person but I spend a whole lot of time fixing things and jumping herdles and I'm finding it so much harder to do each day.  It's getting harder to be myself.  It physically hurts to do anything and the mental issues go even deeper.  I have always taken care of myself by myself and my two girls by myself, never needing anyone.  I gave more to people in general than I've given to myself.  Yet, in then end, none of it is seeming to matter.  I wonder sometimes why I'm here and I try to believe that God is right by my side but it gets hard sometimes.  So.....I don't know what to say, I could go on and on with a whole lot but can't.  I'm tired and wore out.  Only 44 years old and I feel like it's all over.  I need many surgeries and can't even afford it, I watch society get better looking due to surgery and I can't even fix what's broken after working my whole life to this point.