Mothers day is bittersweet. My own mother passed from this world on May 26, 2003. So for some reason this year Mother's day is bothering me. Previous years it did not but this year it is. I miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss spending time with her. I miss her opinion on matters in my life. I miss her. I was thinking of buying some nice flowers and taking them out to her grave.

The other May Holiday that is bothering me is Memorial day. In 2003, May 26 was Memorial day. So mom died on Memorial day. So this year Memorial days is on the exact same day and everything. Kind of bothering me. But on a selfish note I do look forward to being off that day and my oldest brother is coming in town to. We plan on going to our mother's grave together. 

Well here is to all the Mothers, living or passed on.   

I am on SPRING BREAK I am so happy. I am off for a whole week. I can remain in my PJ's all day if I so choose. I think I will. I also have 2 job possibilities. That makes me happy. I hope one of them comes through for me. Both positions are with the same company and would have me working with disabled individuals. I would love that. I have at admit though that I will miss being off from work off and on like I am with this job. With this job we follow the school calender. Which means, I am off for thanksgiving, 2 weeks at Christmas, spring break and all summer. BUT I don't get paid for summer. I do for the rest. Down side to this job is that I don't get paid enough. I barely make it from pay doy to pay day and if I am sick for a long extended time I don't get paid for when I am off. So due to the low pay and so forth, I am forced to find other employment. I hope I do before summer, I'll not make it during the summer without another job.

BUT right now, I am off on SPRING BREAK.   

I think the title of this journal says it all. I ran a temp thursday, March 20, 2008. I woke up with Friday, March 21, with no temp but with Bacterial pink eye. On Saturday, March 22, I was coughing my lungs up and green-yellowish mucus up to. Now I am miserable and at home. No Easter Sunrise service like I always go to. No nice dinner, I normally cook. I have a doctors excuse for monday and tuesday. I have called and left a message on the machine telling them I am sick and will not be in. I mentioned I have a respiratory infection and a doctors excuse. I bet they call me and harrass me. But at this point I don't think I have a choice. I am way to sick to go to work at least on Monday. I cannot talk that much either. 

OH Well, My pink eye is much better. 

HAPPY EASTER   

well, the Daytona 500 has come and gone. I love that race. I am happy Nascar is back on TV. I have missed seeing it. It signals Spring is right around the corner.

Work has been OK, The nagging of the supervisors continue but I have found away to prevent them from doing me that way when I am off from work. I just unplug and turn off my answering machine. So when they call I look at my Caller ID and if it's them I just don't answer and let it ring. I refuse to allow them to invade my time off when I am not at work anymore. I don't live and breath work. I never have and never will. I work to pay bills, Period. 

I am now back in church. I am going to another church now. I am going to a local church. The other church I was going to was ONLY preaching about families and children. Very, VERY, VERY obsesssed with FAMILIES!!! I don't have a family. So I felt out of placed and a lot of times walked out of  church upset due to that fact. So I left that church. Why go to a church that is not meeting my needs. This new church is local and they seem very nice. 

The other day while on my lunch break at work I had some time and went to Walmart to look around. It was still lunch and all so I had no problem with that. The problem came when I ran into one of my mom's old co-workers. She said HI to me and all and said she ran into my dad. Then she said, "are you married yet?" OK< what a strange thing to say to someone you barely know. A Walmart employee was near by and actually laughed. I tried not to let it bother me but it did. Cause I actually would love to get married. I want to get married and have a family of my own more than anything. Then here is this lady who says, "are you married yet?" OH MY GOSH. Talking about being rude. I find that actually very rude. I don't even know the womans name and she is saying that to me. 

Well, got to go and get ready for church.            

I watched a sermon on TV that asked, "can you say you give a 110% to work?" the answer is NO, I don't feel that. I don't like my job , I feel beaten down and I am just working to pay bills. It sort of hit home and makes me feel I need to change fields all together. Maybe I need to find a job /career where I feel happy and proud at what I do. At the moment, I feel worthless, beaten down and a failure. I feel I wasted all those years in undergraduate college and graduate school. I feel like obtaining my BA Degree and MA degree was a waste. I am not presently using those degrees. I am treated at work as if I don't even have them. Even though they know I do. I feel like a failure. I want to work at a job that has me being happy and proud again. LIke I used to feel like at work. But now I am dreading going into work. I am actually dreading even seeing my coworkers. One is bossy and I'd even call her a bully. I dread it. I want to cry just thinking about it. 

I have been applying to other companies. No luck yet. I want another job. I want to get paid more so maybe I am not struggling so much. So maybe I can go back to school. I want to teach. I want to become a teacher. I think that would be a job I could do and still be happy like I used to be on the job in  my career. I want that back.          

  Well, it is January 1, 2008. I did manage to stay awake and see the new year come in. Which is a surprise for me. Normally I am a ole fuddy duddy and fall asleep. BUT surprise, This year I stayed awake. WOW!! It was fun actually.  I just now finished watching the Rose Bowl Parade. I love that Parade. Infact I think it's the ONLY parade I do like. 

I am hoping this year for a new job and happiness to come my way. To stop worrying about things I truly cannot control. To also eat healthier.  Those are my new year goals. 

For all who like to keep check up on Miss Orbie, She is asleep. She acts like she was awake all night. Well,

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008

It's been way to long since  I have journaled. I don't know why it's been so long. Time has gotten away from me. I don't really like my job. It pays way to low. I am having to beg and borrow from people just to pay gas to go back and forth to work. And to have money to pay for groceries. I swear I need another job. I have been on 2 job interviews. Both would be good jobs and right up my alley. I want the job that has me working with the blind and deaf more. I would get holidays off and weekends. With the other I'd have to work holidays and some weekends. Which I don't  like. But I do need another job. I am so tired of asking people  for money cause I need it just to survive. I am not talking about to spend and over spend. NO I am talking just to have gas to get to work.

Plus I don't like the job that much now. I am so tired of dealing with the co-workers and site supervisor. I swear. For instance. At some meeting last week, the supervisors ask who has been doing this certain form. I raised my hand. It turned out I was the ONLY one who had been doing it. When we are supposed to be doing it. Well, I heard some comments by the other co-workers for that. But the supervisor THIS WEEK acted like I was not doing the form at all when in reality I was the ONLY One doing them. I swear. And the site supervisor changed the time I signed into the site. So petty and silly. I just want to leave. This job does not pay enough for me to put up with its crap. 

Well, today was a typical monday. I was at work. I was complimented left and right friday for doing such a great job and such. BUT today was the dreaded MONDAY!!! OH ME OH MY!!! I was put down and stuff piled high on my list of 'to do'. It was horrible. The kids was incredably loud. Why am I the only one who seems to notice that it's out of line for them to be that loud? Especially with us supposedly teaching them to be ready for kindergarten. Allowing them to be as loud as they want is NOT getting them ready for kindergarten. It's doing them a big misjustice. Period!!! We had screaming and so forth. All inside. Sorry but it's way to much and out of line. The other classrooms I go into is not that loud.

But once agian. I get told one thing by my supervisors and then a few weeks later it is something else. Like my fave, "do what you want with the files in your desk." oK, Sounds great, But then a few weeks later, "you need to mark the files in your desk. Have you done that yet." OK, but you just told me a week ago I did not have to . So which is it?! I am tired of being told one thing then another later. I was informed a few weeks ago (when I first started) I did not have to worry about the newsletters home for october. Well, then I get told I should have done one and November is now due. OK, WHAT!! I hate it when someone does me that way. Plus it's  a low paying job. If it was a higher paying it would be different but this job is so low a   paying I have to beg others for money to survive and groceries. It's that low. So why should I put up with the rest of it's crap?!  

Well, at work today we took the kids on a  field trip. In the area there is this house called the Pumpkin House. It's this victorian style house that is owned by a local business man. He decorates it every year with pumpkins. He and his volunteers carves each in different ways and styles and puts them out. We took the kids to see the house today. We had a lots of parents come a long which was nice. I am hoping to put up some pictures of the pumpkin house. It's really nice and pretty amazing. This year he has 3100 and some pumpkins up and around his house. It's nice.

When we got back to the school/headstart. I said I was going to leave early since I clocked in early and I cannot get over time, the company will not allow it. I then got a 10 minute lecture from the teacher on how I should not and could not and could not do that for now on. She just went on and on. It was horrible. I felt like saying "OK, I get it, now shut up." But I did not. I am proud of myself for not saying it. It was difficult. LOL She even told me that it was ON MY TIME and so there for I could not do that. Like I said, she went on and on. She even said, " YOU are being watched you know>' OMG, can someone please shut this woman up.  Like I said, it went on and on and on.  LOL 

But now I am going to make banana bread and watch halloween cartoons on TV/DVD. I love Halloween.   

life, I have no idea what to do with my life. I know I am unhappy with what I have achieved so far. I know I want to change careers. I don't know how to go about to do the change. I am just not happy with what is going on in my life now. I want to change. I don't like the type of jobs I am doing. I don't like how it makes me feel about myself. The job I have right now is ok. But I am just not happy. I am tired of living like this. I want to change.