As I sit here I find there is no one I can call. There is no where to run to. I have no place to hide. Yet all this poison still festers and grows destroying me from the inside.

I am and have always been one tough chick, I had to be, I am sure you have all been there. You pretend so long that you forget the truth.

But for me I have my mother. She is a reminder of all the secrets that live within me. She reminds me of every pain imangineable in my life. She has been the root of all my character's walls. I have walked the line of forgiveness for her. I have looked from her side of the fence. But her words and actions dont fit, they dont match.

She dare throw scripture and God at me, as if I was not worthy of His love. Why because I cant love her as she wishes it to be.

She taught anger when she beat me with those hangers.

She taught me to fear the world when she kept me from it.

I have learned no social skills from her, I have learned how not to love from her.

I have fought so hard to move forward in my life. I kicked the drugs all of them, well except the one. But I did it, me alone. when I was homeless walking the streets for my addiction she never even thought how I was surviving, she actually told my aunt after she asked her what do you think Dina is doing out there how do you think she is living, her words were "I never thought about it" HOw COULD YOU NOT??????????

I was just a cchild. A child, I was being violated in everyway right under her own roof, as was my older sisiter HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW!

Everyone and anyone that did befreind me as a child and young adult was trash not good enough for her. And now she claims to love everyone. I must have missed somerhing.

She is always the victim, I am always hurting her. Hell I dont even have to try I just look her way and she is in pain I guess.

She demands respect from me, yet offers none in return. She only offers what she calls advice which is nothing more then a way to stuff the pain and hide from the truth.

I am tired of keeping the secrets of this family, they are eating me alive from the inside out. She gos on and on about how she doesnt understand me, or how I got to be this way. Is this some sick comedy?

SHe writes me emails always stating this is not to hurt you I dont want to hurt you. I can not remind a time when anything she did didnt hurt me.

Was she loving me when she threw me out because I would not abort my child?

Was she loving me when she told me my unborn child was doomed because of who her parents were.

Was she loving me when she carted me from this doctor then to that doctor simply because there had to be something medically wrong with me I just was so wrong.

Was she loving me when she was beating the daylights out of with that plastic hanger or whatever she so happen to have in her hand at the time?

Was she loving me when she told me lies about my father?

Was she loving me when she pawned me off on anyone that would have me?

Was she loving me when she would accuse me of horrible things in front of many poeple?

Has she ever really loved me, or has it always just been about her?

I have been torturing myself to get it right with my kids, so afraid I will ruin it so it can never be mended. And she still refuses to admit whats real things thatr actually happened to me, they are a part of what makes me who I am. And if she cant even acknowledge these truths then how can she even begin to love me or know me.

We had afight the other day, she got all bent out of shape simply because I said I didnt need to spend money on a recipe book if Justin does turn out to have diabetes, I lived with a diabetic for 5 years, if she knew me shed know that. Then When I told her her much loved mechanic is a heroine addict/dealer she lost it yet again. My daughters life was doomed from fertilization for this very fact and suddenly it no longer makes a difference to her. laughable I say!

I have been taking my therpists advice and not reacting not falling into her traps. The last time (time before this) that we argued (she argued) I just laughed and said I cant do this and hung up the phone. It is killing her now because I dont call her, I cant. SO she keeps creating reasons to call me. And just like this time it ends with me hurting her somehow.....

SHe feels she has a right to say her peace, and blah blah, wheres my right? I dont have any thats right I forgot I am the child.

So now I am tangled between anger and pain. I want to release myself from the demons that haunt me, I want to for once in my life tell her what exactly I have been through, right under her nose. I want her to know about these people she thinks so highly of and how great they are, just what they were doing to me and my sister. But am I doing to hurt her or to be free. Or maybe both??

Knowing it would hurt her, should this stop me? Or should my freedom be more important. Should it even matter. Am I supposed to die with this so she can stand before Her God and let HIM show her exactly how I got here?

I am tired of being sympathetic to her. I hear her defend others, yet not once has she ever defended me ever! I was the guinea bastard, I was Pats Kid.

I need advice, what should I do, finally free myself and rid my mind of the things she should have known. Or do I continue to suck it up and let her tear me up whenever she feels the need.

I am so sick of her poor me crap. She had three kids who needed her and we were never her number, her first priority.

She wants respect she does not deserve.

And in her email she describes herself as "the types of people God will return to get" Funny that she actually believes she will be one of them. I dont even have that delusion. This coming from a woman who swears she never told a lie yet lying as her mouth is moving.

I am so sick of pretending. I am not part of this family I never have been. I was just the thorn in their side.

She broke me before I was even old enough to be whole.