Shirley,

I go to therapy every week or so praying this time Ill have the answers I seek. You say I know nothing and that I am garbage, well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. The difference between you and I is I know the truth to which you choose to turn a blind eye to. Whats even funnier is the truths I could tell would never be believable because you have made sure no one would ever believe a word I said. What kind of mother calls her self a Christian and then tells her daughter she is garbage, one who already suffers from enough emotional damage caused by YOU, if I had not had God in my life today I would have committed suicide many times over the things you have called me. You have never had a kind word, I still remember the time you and Lisa came to see me in PA, the car hadn't even stopped yet and you said I looked liked a dead person. Your words hurt people. Yet you continue to abuse me even in my adult life. And expect respect from me. 

I am sorry I wasn't the son you wanted to save your marriage I am sorry he left you anyway. GET OVER IT! And your precious Lisa while her husband was at home she was here so drunk she couldn't even finish my perm ruined my hair so she could give some black guy whom she invited to my house oral sex in my back yard. Oh but I don't know anything and I'm just a liar. While she tells her husband she is watching my kids she is out at parties all night and comes here the next day still drunk and stoned from night before, more then once.

Or how about the night before my wedding in Fl how she slept with my best man in the same bedroom as her children? Oh but I'm just a liar I make these things up just to hurt you, my sole purpose in life.

 Tommy wasn't perfect but he never cheated on her, and he was trying. Everyone believes Lisa's lies, while she got her emergency custody order that she didn't even need since her husband was in the hospital that very day in NJ having a heart attack. He never intended to take the children and she knew that but she had to play it off to get what she needs, thats what she does. While telling everyone else she had a restraining order. I know who Lisa really is you'll never be able to accept the truth I am about to tell you but I'm tired of keeping secrets for this family they are killing me.

Your precious uncle spud was a child molester, and Lisa knows it, of course she will deny it but thats what led to her sexual abuse towards me, all those showers you had us take together to save water. You don't have to believe me I don't need you to believe me, but in order for me to heal I need to let these things out and they need to be told. If you have a problem or feel this is in some way me just being the garbage I am you can feel free to call my therapist cause she knows the truth.  I bet that kills you tpo know a total stranger knows just how twisted your family is.

All I could think as a child was how could you not know, all the times you let Lisa stay with him, he'd rub himself up against us so we could feel his erection. He was a foul man. Lisa could tell you the worse things he did to her but she wont, she refuses to face the past and deal with it, this is how we heal. All things in darkness will be brought to light. And this is part of the reason why sje struggles do much in life she refuses to face the truth, he was a child molester and he molested her!

But I have a feeling you know that deep down inside. You make excuses for your mother left and right oh you gotta love her but I guess no one ever had to love me. You were my mother it was your job to protect me and Lisa but you didn't your life was always most important. I'm sick of hearing how you worked to keep a roof over our heads and all that. you always had nice brand new clothes and could afford a night out at the white elephant. Oh and don't forget the pot yea Lisa and I both found the marijuana in your side table drawer you and cookie were a hoot. Your so innocent. I have paid my dues, I have done nothing to hurt you or your family. But I'm just a compulsive liar so you can not believe me but on judgment day God will reveal all the truths and you will see. YOU WILL SEE! I do not deserve how you treat me and never did. 

Make sure you save this and make copies for all to see so you can further prove just what a liar I am. 

You will only see this as me trying to hurt you. Since everything is always to or about you. But this I'm doing for me so I can finally be free from these secrets that have been killing me all these years. I am tired of being treated like trash and ignored. Well you cant ignore this one mother! These are the facts the cold hard truths GOD AS MY WITNESS!

I hope YOU & YOUR FAMILY had a happy easter.

If you have seen some of my recent picture posts and like them you can go to

imikimi.com/

And create your very own or if your not that puter savvy just send me the pics you want and an idea of what you want done and Ill make them for you.

I just wanted to share this with you, it was a project by a very old friend of mine.

Something has got to change in this world we live in today. I was a lucky one, I only spent a little more then a year of my life being homeless. Sometimes I still ask God why I was spared?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q...

As I start my day today I think on the feelings from yesterday. The anger and resentment, the pain and rejection.

I acknowledge her as the source of my inner evil. I know the pain I feel is real, my anger is valid. I dont need her to accept me, or even see me for who I really am. I know she has no clue as to my relationship with God. She can never understand what it is to lose everything even yourself to this world. And yet have a saviour so awesome that loves you so deeply, so purely without HIM I would be lost.

I have decided I will not respond to her emails, I will not return her calls. Her need to say her peace is not my problem, not my job to ease her mind. My desire to hurt her, to cause her to feel the pain I feel is not going to free me from the poison within. Even though it is the truth, she couldnt handle it.

God has healed so much of my soul. And still after all these years there are pieces of me I can not let go.

I want her to see my bruises, my wounds shoved in her face and then dare her to say her peace.

Havent you known that person who when they are around other people they put on the face, you know the I love everyone face, I am so righteous face. But still you can feel their poison in the pit of your stomache? This is my mother.

I know my God can see my heart, and hers. He will not be fooled.

I keep telling myself she has not had a very good teacher in the mothering dept. I keep telling myself she is just a victim of the enemy, and her own fears. I can no longer allow her the right of way in my life.

As I sit here I find there is no one I can call. There is no where to run to. I have no place to hide. Yet all this poison still festers and grows destroying me from the inside.

I am and have always been one tough chick, I had to be, I am sure you have all been there. You pretend so long that you forget the truth.

But for me I have my mother. She is a reminder of all the secrets that live within me. She reminds me of every pain imangineable in my life. She has been the root of all my character's walls. I have walked the line of forgiveness for her. I have looked from her side of the fence. But her words and actions dont fit, they dont match.

She dare throw scripture and God at me, as if I was not worthy of His love. Why because I cant love her as she wishes it to be.

She taught anger when she beat me with those hangers.

She taught me to fear the world when she kept me from it.

I have learned no social skills from her, I have learned how not to love from her.

I have fought so hard to move forward in my life. I kicked the drugs all of them, well except the one. But I did it, me alone. when I was homeless walking the streets for my addiction she never even thought how I was surviving, she actually told my aunt after she asked her what do you think Dina is doing out there how do you think she is living, her words were "I never thought about it" HOw COULD YOU NOT??????????

I was just a cchild. A child, I was being violated in everyway right under her own roof, as was my older sisiter HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW!

Everyone and anyone that did befreind me as a child and young adult was trash not good enough for her. And now she claims to love everyone. I must have missed somerhing.

She is always the victim, I am always hurting her. Hell I dont even have to try I just look her way and she is in pain I guess.

She demands respect from me, yet offers none in return. She only offers what she calls advice which is nothing more then a way to stuff the pain and hide from the truth.

I am tired of keeping the secrets of this family, they are eating me alive from the inside out. She gos on and on about how she doesnt understand me, or how I got to be this way. Is this some sick comedy?

SHe writes me emails always stating this is not to hurt you I dont want to hurt you. I can not remind a time when anything she did didnt hurt me.

Was she loving me when she threw me out because I would not abort my child?

Was she loving me when she told me my unborn child was doomed because of who her parents were.

Was she loving me when she carted me from this doctor then to that doctor simply because there had to be something medically wrong with me I just was so wrong.

Was she loving me when she was beating the daylights out of with that plastic hanger or whatever she so happen to have in her hand at the time?

Was she loving me when she told me lies about my father?

Was she loving me when she pawned me off on anyone that would have me?

Was she loving me when she would accuse me of horrible things in front of many poeple?

Has she ever really loved me, or has it always just been about her?

I have been torturing myself to get it right with my kids, so afraid I will ruin it so it can never be mended. And she still refuses to admit whats real things thatr actually happened to me, they are a part of what makes me who I am. And if she cant even acknowledge these truths then how can she even begin to love me or know me.

We had afight the other day, she got all bent out of shape simply because I said I didnt need to spend money on a recipe book if Justin does turn out to have diabetes, I lived with a diabetic for 5 years, if she knew me shed know that. Then When I told her her much loved mechanic is a heroine addict/dealer she lost it yet again. My daughters life was doomed from fertilization for this very fact and suddenly it no longer makes a difference to her. laughable I say!

I have been taking my therpists advice and not reacting not falling into her traps. The last time (time before this) that we argued (she argued) I just laughed and said I cant do this and hung up the phone. It is killing her now because I dont call her, I cant. SO she keeps creating reasons to call me. And just like this time it ends with me hurting her somehow.....

SHe feels she has a right to say her peace, and blah blah, wheres my right? I dont have any thats right I forgot I am the child.

So now I am tangled between anger and pain. I want to release myself from the demons that haunt me, I want to for once in my life tell her what exactly I have been through, right under her nose. I want her to know about these people she thinks so highly of and how great they are, just what they were doing to me and my sister. But am I doing to hurt her or to be free. Or maybe both??

Knowing it would hurt her, should this stop me? Or should my freedom be more important. Should it even matter. Am I supposed to die with this so she can stand before Her God and let HIM show her exactly how I got here?

I am tired of being sympathetic to her. I hear her defend others, yet not once has she ever defended me ever! I was the guinea bastard, I was Pats Kid.

I need advice, what should I do, finally free myself and rid my mind of the things she should have known. Or do I continue to suck it up and let her tear me up whenever she feels the need.

I am so sick of her poor me crap. She had three kids who needed her and we were never her number, her first priority.

She wants respect she does not deserve.

And in her email she describes herself as "the types of people God will return to get" Funny that she actually believes she will be one of them. I dont even have that delusion. This coming from a woman who swears she never told a lie yet lying as her mouth is moving.

I am so sick of pretending. I am not part of this family I never have been. I was just the thorn in their side.

She broke me before I was even old enough to be whole.

Let me tell you about a disease

This was my disease, one I carry no more

It started with a hurt

Before you know it nothing left to smile for

Rage moved in sent any hope of joy fleeing

I had no direction only chaos

For it controls every part of your being

The thumping of this constant pain gripped me

I medicated myself with drugs

The drugs drove the demon deeper within me Pumping anger and hatred thru my veins

Like bolts of lightning when it rains From there I was tormented day and night

Wishing for a way to just rip out the darknessFind some light

I threw it all away no telling what my future could have been

I walked the streets cold and alone Except for the darkness within

It never left me; I began to cater to its every whimShoving out any light that would come

Now I feared a life with out the pain

Who would I be, who would keep me safe I walked the streets selling my body

This was my means to an end Then just before dying completely

There came a will I had never known

The will to liveFor sure this will was not my own

I came in from the dark I had vowed to live right

Or so I thoughtAfter all this life inside me had a right

But I tell you it was not until I truly discovered

The one true light from the darkness In a man they call Jesus Christ

I was simply harboring the darkness below the surface

Far from sight I tell you from the labels the doctors tried to give meI belong no more

I tell you from the death satan tried to sell me

I barter no moreI was society’s mentally unstable freak

And satans funniest toy I gave up enough

And Jesus made me his friend

I have no shame in the things I have done

Not any more

He washed me clean as only he could’ve done

Yet I know satan waits outside my door

But I have no worries

For Jesus is my friend Forever More!

I have kept it safe
you made it!
I love you!
I promise we'll never forget
they haven’t gotten to me yet

Luke 47-48 

47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.”48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”

She never knew what Love was for

Maybe it was just a foolish metaphor

She knew how it was supposed to look maybe even feel

Never thought it could happen to her for real

Then you walked through her door

All her best pretending could never compare

She knew by the way you ran your fingers through her hair

Made her feel unlike anything she ever felt before

Now she wonders is this really what Love was for

The moment you walked through her door

You know people talk of found memories of being a child I only remember a few that were found anyway. In the car with the radio on we’d be driving somewhere and you would put your hand on my leg, and in my head Id tell myself I hope she doesn’t ever move it, I didn’t want you to let go of me. And the smell of your perfume hen I would come home from school I could still smell it today. <> I loved my mother and I still do but she is not the person I was wanting, needing to love. I needed you to come and console me when I had a nightmare but you didn’t come, I wanted you to catch me when I got caught maybe then wed talk about the world out there that you so desperately smothered me from knowing. I learned to be afraid of everything, I’m still even afraid of the dark but now it’s not just the dark it’s what’s lurking in the dark. I need you to comfort me, then and now.