Hi my COMMUNITY friends.  It has been a while since I've been able to (or wanted to) post another journal here.  I've been feeling a sense lonliness and internal conflict so much so... that it doesn't allow me to go forward and push through to get to where I know that I need to be at; a fresh start!

My heart hurts more than I can honestly admit to anyone; not my family, not my mom or my dad ( especially never my dad) and now that I am dating a sweet and loving man, I cannot seem to at times, let go of what hurts the most from my past and try to understand logically, that life doesn't wait for anyone and that even in the most painful of moments.... staying in the past emotionally will NEVER help me to ever go forward.  Sometimes when we go through something, there inevitably is a lesson to be learned from that experience, but what can you take from an experience in your life... when what happened was not a result of anything you could have done, but rather.... something that someone else stole from you... took maybe a part of you inside and left you feeling lost and constantly asking the question to yourself.... WHY.... WHY.... Why did this have to be this way?  What is it that made this person treat me in such a way that I would have never expected nor would have I ever treated this person, in the same cruel, cold and deliberate hurtful way.... and I know that I will never get an actual answer to that one question. 

And so, I am left with the realization that it is I... whom have to find my own answer, learn my own lesson.... from this part of my life, that is now most assuredly part of my PAST life.... though still at times, catches me by surprise when I lose my train of thought and veer out into the nothingness and think about what could have been, what never was and what lesson I am meant to take from this.... to this moment, I've no knowledge of that answer, expect to say that this is very unfair to the man whom I am dating now, as he is very good to me and treats me with respect and care and loves me for the person whom I have shown him, not for someone whom I could never become, nor for any alterior motive... but to simply love and be loved... by me. 

I don't know what will become of this new connection/relationship with this wonderful human being whom I have met in the last few months, but I know that for ever season... there is a reason for things to be either as they are... or for them to change with that new season.  I want to let go... I need to let go of what hurts me more than words can express... I want to cry so hard... for so long, until I am left with no more tears... or at least, nothing left .... to cry about.  I have love for the people whom I've met and loved in my life... and even love for those whom have hurt me... and those whom I have yet to meet and I try to remain positive and realistic at the same time... while knowing that those in my present have nothing to do with what came about... in my past.  I want to be free to love and be loved... to express and listen and be the kind of person... mother... woman... friend... lover.... and maybe even... one day, wife... that I know that I am meant to be.. for the time being... I am for lack of a better word.... LOST... in my own feelings of confusion and wondering why I feel this need to hold on to the feelings from the past.. or maybe the hurt that I know deep down inside, deserves an answer... but will never be. 

There is much to learn from each and every experience.... and for myself, life can be beautiful and amazing... all the while, it can also be painful and this makes me hold my chest and bow my head down... and want to cry.... and cry... and never stop until .... this feeling to cry .... goes away.  I love my friends both online and offline and I appreciate your taking the time to read my rantings on here.  I am a firm believer in the Lord and I am not giving up ... just simply and honestly coming to terms with the fact that.... at this moment in my life, I am filled with so much pain... in my heart.... and afraid to hurt those closest to me... with my own emotions and fears... and worries that I will never be enough ... that my heart will ultimately fall apart into a million little pieces.... and how much does it hurt to know that the hurts of one's past... can sometimes... control the love and happiness of one's future.. even when you know that love is real and can be so very strong... what if your heart doesn't know ... when to let go of this pain.... ?  when...? 

I don't know....

God Bless You .... Thank you for your time in reading this.  Stay safe and warm.

- paulina