It's been awhile since I wrote in my journal as I've been distracted by a few things. One issue I've been dealing with for the past 5 months' seems to subside for awhile and then out of blue hits' me like a ton of bricks. One day I'm optimisic and being positive and the next I'm depressed and hate the world. I know this is part of the process of healing but it's so exhausting. My Religious Studies are still on going..and I find that to be very helpful as I stumble thru each day. I've also met someone who has opened my eyes to a few things. I've finally admitted to myself that my recent past relationship was toxic to me and have realized that manipulation played a serious role in it from the beginning. Although I still miss my friend..I see now that maybe it was all one sided. I was just told the other day...that sometimes people see what they want to see and when in reality it isn't that way at all. Hmmm.. I wonder if that applies to the people who were encouraged to love or to see things that aren't really there..?
I'm discovering that manipulation seems to find it's way into my life and causes me to wonder if I'm truly naive and easily controlled. So I add this worry to my list of things I need to pay attention to..and most likely I will resolve this issue pretty quickly...as I don't want to go down the road again I just turned off of. I wonder why some people can't just get to the point...with out the run around of pychological babble? Maybe the babble is the manipulation at work?? I had a dicussion the other day that made me question my beliefs' ...is the butter yellow...or is it that you believe it's yellow? Hmm ..good question. This to me meant this...Does what we believe becuz of sight, smell, taste, and touch have anything to do with who we are...does our beliefs' define us as an individual? I believe it does.
So as my journey continues...and my depression comes and goes...I'm realizing that maybe sometimes ..some people.. create part of their depression out of self preservation. Protecting ourselves from the truth so that the pain is less...and while blind from that truth we are depressed becuz we have no answers.