I am feeling so confused still, and am still either close to tears or shedding them a lot of the time. Sometimes that feeling just leaves of its own free will and here I am, me again. I am sure because of some symptoms I'm feeling today, that a lot of it is hormonal, at least now. I can usually tell the difference but menopause is rearing its head and I now am left wondering what's going on.
Anyone else out there been through it?
Is that what makes me wake up in the middle of the night wanting to kick my husband and our dog off the bed, rip my clothes off, turn on the ceiling fan and then run to the bathroom to throw up? It's so weird. Then, I am exhausted and just want to lay naked under the fan for a half hour or so. That's not so bad in the summer but during the cold of winter...? Not appreciated by my husband, who is and has not been feeling so hot himself.
I'm looking forward to menopause. I want it. I beg and pray for it to be done. I feel I have been tormented enough... since I was barely age 12! Enough. I was blessed with five beautiful little girls and the odd thing is, the last two and I are usually always going through that at the same time! I've heard this is common. My poor husband.
I asked him to do me a favor this morning, and he said what's that? I said, "please, no matter what your mood is, please don't jump on me if you are not happy or if you don't feel well. please make an effort not to instigate an argument and I will do the same." It was a wonderful day. Neither of us felt good today, and off and on that's been the case all through this cancer adventure that started on Father's Day of last year.
During the chemo we have spent almost as much time together (due to him not being able to work from the side effects) as we did when he was actually going through the cancer biopsies and then post surgery, and it's not as easy as one would think to just co-exist peacefully during stressful times. We have been cranky for a few days. I have felt like I was coming down with something, and that scares me because I'm obsessed with him not getting sick right now due to his compromised immune system.
As I mentioned in my first blog, the girls have not been helping out so I have been overburdened with laundry, chores, tasks I really don't feel up to doing. I am torn between wanting to cuddle in the bed with my two little white dogs or going outside and playing. I want to do yard work and work with the flowers that I have planted here in our home we've had for three years. That is another reason for my sadness lately...
We are in a bad situation right now because of his not being able to work much through the chemo, and we don't even know if we are going to be able to keep our home. We are waiting to hear from the mortgage company, who refused to work with us previously and said we would be foreclosed on by April 1 if we didn't come up with some ridiculously high sum of money that we don't really even owe... but after contacting HUD and FHA to determine whether we can have a mortgage modification done, we are optimistic. Guardedly so. We just can't pay the house payments right now, and with the new Govt. program for modifications, we are hoping that we are able to qualify, which it seems we are.
PLEASE keep us in your prayers that if it is God's will, he will allow us to stay here just 'til my husband is through with the chemo which is really my only concern. He will NOT be able to help us if we must move and I think the girls and I could do most of it together except for the furniture, and all, but I'm concerned that my husband will try to help anyway. He is really very weak with little reserve right now... and very stubborn. I don't want to see him collapse from exhaustion.
Well, that is it for now. We are hanging in there. He is having an okay day today following chemo yesterday but tomorrow will probably be much worse. It usually is, after the steroids wear off.
(His photo after having his head shaved yesterday.)
Thank you everyone that has visited and encouraged me and shared hope.
Blessings to all.