Last night, I attended a Christmas Eve service with my family. I was still tired and in a fair bit of pain from my four days of fruitless contractions, but Heidi said she wanted me to go with the family to church. So, unable to say no to such a sweetly innocent request, I went. It was a beautiful service, and I was glad I had the energy to do it. Heidi, on the other hand, fell asleep within about ten minutes of the service starting. All the Christmas festivities caught up with her, it seems.

The service was beautifully done by a small but committed congregation at the Methodist Church. The church was decorated with candles, pine boughs, wreathes, ribbons, and featured a live nativity outside. Attendees were greeted with Christmas carols softly playing into the starlit night, beckoning them to come in for the celebration. Inside, it was standing room only, and the hour-long service was a simple and elegant reminder of what this day means to so many of us.

One of the solos featured was the ubiquitous "Mary Did You Know?". As the soloist sang, a video played that featured images of Mary and a beautiful newborn baby boy. I couldn't help shedding a few tears. My own baby boy is due any day now, and I ache to hold him in my arms. Seeing the images of those small, tender, fragile infant boys brought home the reality that, very soon, I will meet my Jaden.

As the soloist asked the questions of Mary, I was struck with my own set of "unknowns" about my son's future. None of us are given any kind of certainty of what life will hold for our children, and as I watched the video and listened to the song, I considered what life may hold for my own son. Joy and pain, victories and defeats, sorrow and rejoicing...to everything, there is a season. I wonder what we would do if we DID know what life held for our children.

If Mary had known what lay ahead for the Son she had just birthed, what would she have done? If she fully comprehended the awesome magnificence of what she had just brought into the world, how would she have reacted? Would she have wanted to protect Him from what lay ahead for Him? Would she have willingly surrendered to the Father's purposes for her newborn Son's life, or would her maternal instincts to shelter the fragile life she held in her arms lead her to protest the pain that awaited Him?

As I prepare to bring my son into the world, I am also struck with the realization that there is so much about him and the life ahead for us that I do not know. Life can be an uncertain thing. With the circumstances surrounding my son's arrival into the world, I find myself occassinally gripped with fear, and hypervigilant about protecting him from the one who so deeply wounded me. I want my son to be safe. I want him to live securely. I want him to know he is deeply loved, and to never be gripped by the fear I came to know all to well while I was with his father. Yet...I also realize that, whatever comes into my son's life, I have to rely fully on God's grace and trust that whatever comes, it is for Jaden's formation in the person God created him to be.

I cannot always protect my son. Things may come into my son's life that will be incredibly difficult for this mother's heart to bear. I cannot always control that. Even if I am able to protect him from the things I left behind in order to protect us, there is a world beyond the shelter of my home that can be cruel. I am constantly reminded that all I can do is pray for wisdom, teach Jaden to walk in grace, instill in him a lifestyle of living in God's presence and basking in His love...and then, let him go and trust God with him.

Another standard Christmas song that has taken on new meaning for me this year is "Breath of Heaven". While I am not bearing the Christ child, I am certainly in a situation I never imagined I would find myself in, preparing to bring forth a son amidst circumstances that are uncertain, and at times, frightening. I often find myself praying the words of the chorus:

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Hold me together, Lord. When I feel fear starting to wrap its icy fingers around my heart, I remind myself that God has brought Jaden and me safely thus far, and He will not abandon us now. While I am not journeying to Bethlehem, bearing the load of carrying the Savior in my womb, I am journeying into something utterly unknown to me. The journey has been both joyous and painful, and the task ahead seems daunting from time to time. I have to believe that God has gone before us and prepared the way for every step of this journey so far, and He is not going to abandon us now. He is our advocate and our defender, and He will see us safely through even the most dangerous of territories.

I have to remember that just as I hold Jaden in my womb, where he is safe, warm, nourished, and sheltered, God also holds me in His. On this Christmas morning, the journey of Mary and the birth of Jesus means something different to me than it has in years past. I celebrate the birth of the Savior, realizing that He was born to a woman facing difficult and frightening circumstances, who had to make the choice daily to either give in to her fear, or trust in the mercy of God's plan.

Merry Christmas!