An awakening!!!!

    Thursday, May 14, 2009, 9:49 PM [General]

    Anyone who reads my journal posts know that I have been struggling with the death of my daughter and trying to figure out Why?? Well believe it or not, I believe God is sending me the answer to the question I have cried and asked him every night since losing Layla. When in Washington, D.C. I met some incredible people-I call them my angels. They were parents just like me-children in D.C. for heart surgery. One of the couples came from the same town I live in and we became very close. We leaned on each other during times of despair, tiredness, worry, we kept each other afloat. We prayed together and for each others children, who in part became part of each of our families. There was so much love in this group of strangers that became friends for life.

    One of my "angels" called me yesterday to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and to see how I was doing. While on the phone, she informed me the couple I met from my hometown had been back in Washington, she saw the hubby when she took her son for a doctor's appointment. I told her I didn't know and felt so bad because you would have thought I would have known, they live 10 minutes from me. Truth is, like I explained to her, I felt bad,scared to talk to them/see them. I felt bad because their child was home and mine was not-angry. I just couldn't see him home and know he was in worse shape than Layla when he came their. See he had a 50% chance of survival and Layla had a 90% chance. Instead, Layla left and he survived. I was angry that my baby was gone and their son was here. It wasn't supposed to be that way.

    Anyway, this morning I mustered up the courage to call and ask how everything was. I was told since we returned in January they had to rush him back there for emergency surg, his valve was leaking into his stomach. They say he had only a slim chance of survival-he had to be cut open and another heart surg had to be performed. I was so sad and felt so terrible as a Christian and human being. I explained to her why I hadn't called or come by to visit and she understood. As a matter of fact her hubby and her had talked about that last week. That is why they hadn't been around me with their son, they didn't want to feel as if they were throwing him in my face.

    After the conversation, I lay down and thought about what she was going through as a mother- 2 heart surg in less than 3 months and she still had her faith. I thought about her son, 6 years old, once running and very active, now going through this, something no child should have to undergo. It came to me! God spared my Layla from this type of life, spared me. I would never want her to suffer, she was only a baby. I remembered praying the day she passed away, asking God not to let her suffer, I felt even though she was out of it with the meds, that she was not happy. She was an active baby before, laughing, crawling, play fighting. Would I have wanted her to hurt, have all those surgeries? NO!!!

    God made it where she would never go through that pain and inactivity again. I fell asleep and dreamed of her with the tubes in her and awoke crying. I looked at her picture and told her I didn't want her to suffer and that I loved her enough to give her to God, who had given her a little while to me. It doesn't make me hurt any less, but I do now understand.

    Who says there aren't angels or a God?? Look how he let this happen through my angels to bring me some peace!

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    A sad Mother's Day for some

    Monday, May 11, 2009, 12:15 PM [General]

    I awoke yesterday morning with a hurt in my heart, as if a part of it was shriveling up and dying. Happy Mother's Day! While I celebrate this day with a  deep love for my children, I also hurt like no other day since I buried Layla. I look out the window and see Mother's and their children enjoying the day, happy with life and look at myself in comparison. I am in the bed, in solitude with a despair like no other day. The cries I let out of me, deep and hard, from the depths of my spirit. My son, consoling me, making me laugh while we look at pictures, about things we did with Layla and things she did while here with us. It seems so unfair for any mother to go through such a hurt in her life. It makes you wonder what kind of goodness can result from such a tragedy. What God's master plan is from putting this event in our lives. Because even though I hurt, I look at my loved ones-my son, mother, father, Layla's Dad, etc.-and know they hurt , also.This did not just affect me, but a whole group of people now live with the memory and love of Layla. Her brother misses being a big bra bra to her, her granddad , at the age of 74, says he wishes it could have been him, he has lived a long good life, that God could have taken him and left his grand daughter here. It made me realize, yesterday, that this not only affected me, but all of them. I pray for God to give us all the strength to move forward, and give us some type of peace of mind and spirit.

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    3 Month Angelversary

    Sunday, April 19, 2009, 7:51 PM [General]

    Well here goes another month. It came by so fast and it really does seem longer than 3 months since Layla left us. My son and I were talking this morning when we lit her candle, that the time is just creeping by. It seems to us to have happened a lifetime ago, when I remember a month ago it felt to me as if it had just happened.I have handled it pretty well considering, I informed everyone that I really didn't feel like talking or socializing-I just want to listen to my gospel music on my mp3 and play on the computer. They have respected my wishes. While on the internet I found a book called "When Babies/Children Go to Heaven" and I have been reading it and it has helped me alot. I went through Layla's pictures and cried with the sweet memories I have of her and told her that I need her help to keep pushing forward.

    The other day I knew the 19th was coming and I was having a hard time that whole day. The guilt awaken in me again, even after attending bible study and talking with my pastor, knowing I did nothing wrong taking Layla for the surgery. But there it was again like a beast in the waiting. I looked at her pictures and cried and told her how sorry I was until I fell asleep. Then the most amazing thing happened-she was in my dreams. Still in a baby form but able to put together simple baby sentences. We played and I bathed her, changed her clothes, did her hair, read to her. Then I began to cry in the dream, as if I realized it was time for her to go. I told her while crying that mommy is so sorry I never meant for it to happen like this. She said No, no Mommy not your fault. I cried and said its not my fault and she said no mommy. She also said mommy no be sad ,luv you mommy and she jumped in my arms and hugged me so tight and gave me a kiss. It was so real, I could smell her, feel her. I told her that was the best kiss in the whole wide world and I love her forever and she smiled and laughed at me and then disappeared. Next thing I know my son was waking me up to take him to school. I just broke down crying and he asked me what was wrong? I explained the dream to him and he said she knows I am sad and she came to me to make me happy. He also said whenever he has a bad day or is feeling down she comes to him in his dreams also. He hugged me and helped me get myself together again.

    Let me tell you the rest of the day I had such a peace about me. I realized that what my grandma once told me is true that loved ones do visit us from beyond in times of need. I guess Layla since the ulcer I have given myself from worrying about her and the depression I have been in, and wanted to give me some peace of mind. Letting me know that my angel is looking out for me even now from beyond. I love you Layla-Mommy

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    It's been a while

    Monday, April 6, 2009, 11:58 AM [General]

    It has been a while since I have written here. I have been trying to get my mind back together and my body. I was diagnosed with an ulcer this past Tuesday due to stress and worrying. So I talked to Layla and it was if I could hear her telling me to take care of myself. That I need to be here for her big brother and not to worry about her she is fine and happy. It was if I could see her when I had my eyes closed, beautiful dressed in pink. She was still ababy, but she could speak with me. I know I was not dreaming because I was awake, just had my eyes closed crying talking to her. So now I know I have to get it together for Antoneus and myself. I have to accept she is not coming back and she is my guardian angel. I was almost hit by a car Saturday night, it was inches from hitting me, but they stopped in time and I did also. My heart was beating so fast and I began to cry and said thank you Layla cause I know she looked after her mommy to keep me from getting hurt.

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    happier times

    Thursday, March 19, 2009, 5:56 PM [General]

    This is me at happier times and my family!

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    The 2 month mark

    Thursday, March 19, 2009, 5:36 PM [General]

    Wel it has went easier than I thought. This time yesterday until 2 am I was a mess, crying while listening to the songs I once song to my beautiful angel, Layla. I looked at her pictures and  just broke down. Smelling clothes of hers that hadn't been washed to see if I could catch just a whiff of her scent in them. I lost hope until I found one of her unwashed bibs- it still smelled of the milk she spit out when I fed her the last bottle I ever had a chance to give her. It took me back to that moment in the hospital in D.C. She was so fussy that evening-crying and wouldn't rest. I thought maybe she hadn't had enough to eat and gave her a bottle, which most of it landed on the bib. unkowing of what was to come I absent mindledly threw it in my bag and rocked her and sang to her. My mom called during this time and I told her how fussy she was-totally out of character for Layla, because she was a happy baby never cried unless she was hungry or needed her diaper changed. My mom and I thought it was due to her being in the crib with the ekg monitors hooked toher. She was used to sleeping with me. So I held her the rest of the night, I knew I wouldn't sleep the next day was her surgery and I was nervous, not about a possible death, but just being a Mom, not wanting my child cut on and feeling any pain. I think now and wonder if Layla knew what was about to happen and if God was using her to let me know somehow. My mom did say on the phone that night that maybe we shouldn't do the surgery if she that fussy. I went with the doctor's words not my Mom's. Something I will regret forever. I feel I put God's work in man's hands and I made a big mistake in HIS eyes and that is why Layla was taken from me. Everyone there kept telling me his hands were touched by God's, no fatality rate all success stories of children having this heart surgery and growing up healthy and happy. I believed them. There was no way after hundreds of these surgeries he performed would my baby be the one to die. God wouldn't do that to me. I guess I was wrong. Now I am here trying to make sense of everything, trying to move forward, trying to carry on for my son. I know it is not good for him to see me like this, crying and depressed. But for once in my life I want to be selfish and do for me.Tonight I go to a support group with others who have been where I am now. I hope and pray it helps me some.

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    THE AFTERLIFE

    Wednesday, March 4, 2009, 2:37 PM [General]

    I'VE BEEN THINKING ALOT THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS ABOUT OUR AFTERLIFE. WHETHTER OR NOT THERE IS A HEAVEN AND A HELL. WILL I REALLY ONE DAY SEE MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER AGAIN, ALONG WITH MY OTHER RELATIVES, IN HEAVEN, OR IS THIS IT. I WONDER WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS TO US AFTER DEATH. DON'T GET ME WRONG, I DO BELIEVE IN GOD AND LIVING OUR LIVES THE RIGHT WAY IN ORDER TO REACH HIM. I WAS RAISED THAT WAY MY ENTIRE LIFE IN CHURCH. I GUESS LAYLA'S PASSING HAS MADE ME WONDER WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY DAUGHTER'S SPIRIT. IS SHE REALLY AN ANGEL NOW OR IS THAT A MYTH? I DO KNOW AT ONE TIME I WAS AFRAID OF DEATH-MY DEATH. NOW I AM NOT BECAUSE I DO SO WANT TO SEE MY BABY GIRL AGAIN. FOR THAT MATTER MY SON ALSO WHEN OUR TIME COMES. I WANT ALL OF US TOGETHER AGAIN AND I THINK THAT IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING THROUGH EACH DAY, THAT BELIEF.I KNOW NOW I AM RESEARCHING ANGELS, HEAVEN AND HELL, ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH DEATH BECAUSE I WORRY ABOUT LAYLA, NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS ABOUT HER BEING IN HEAVEN AND GOD'S CHOSEN ANGEL, I STILL WORRY. IGUESS THAT IS A MOTHER'S INSTINCT TO WORRY ABOUT OUR CHILDREN.I MISS HER SO MUCH AND CAN NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND THE REASONING BEHIND GOD PUTTING THIS PAIN IN MY LIFE, WHAT I AM BEING PUNISHED FOR.

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    my slideshow

    Wednesday, March 4, 2009, 2:17 PM [General]

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    yesterday was a good day-how about today?

    Tuesday, March 3, 2009, 9:40 AM [General]

    Today is Tuesday. I haven't written in a couple of days. Yesterday was an okay day. I didn't cry at all, just had happy memories of Layla with her family. How about today? So far it is okay, but is just 8:38 a.m. I pray this morning that  God gives me peace today. We went and seen Layla's tombstone that they placed yesterday and I talked with her. Hopefully that will give me peace for the day.

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    DAY ONE

    Saturday, February 21, 2009, 6:39 PM [General]

    THIS IS THE BEGINNING. THE BEGINNING OF LIFE FOR ME WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER AND ACCEPTING IT. SHE HAS BEEN DEAD OFFICIALLY ONE MONTH ON THE 19TH, AND I HAVE REALIZED NO MATTER HOW I CRY, BEG, OR PLEAD SHE WILL NOT BE COMING BACK TO ME THE WAY SHE WAS. SHE IS NOW AN ANGEL. IT IS SO HARD TO MOVE FORWARD, I FEEL AS THOUGH I AM STUCK IN THE PAST, I THINK OF HER ALL DAY EVERY DAY AND I KNOW THAT IS ALL I HAVE IS MEMORIES. THIS IS SO HARD, THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. I LOVE HER SO MUCH IT HURTS ME. IT IS HARD TO SLEEP, EAT, LAUGH ,LOVE WITHOUT HER HERE WITH ME. I MISS HER SMELL, SMILE, LAUGH, EVEN HER CRY. I AM ASKING GOD FOR STRENGHTH THROUGH THIS. I KNOW I HAVE TO GO ON FOR ANTONEUS. HE NEEDS HIS MOM, I AM ALL HE HAS AND HE HURTS, TOO. HE CRIED THURSDAY NIGHT AND IT BROKE MY HEART. ALL I COULD DO IS HOLD HIM AND TELL HIM I LOVE HIM AND IT IT ALL RIGHT FOR HIM TO CRY. HE LOVED HIS LITTLE SISTER AND HE WAS SO PROUD TO HAVE HER. I FEEL AS IF I LET HIM DOWN. GOD BE WITH US TO HELP US THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME.371d36d75e05eda735858f8e467be99c
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