Anyone who reads my journal posts know that I have been struggling with the death of my daughter and trying to figure out Why?? Well believe it or not, I believe God is sending me the answer to the question I have cried and asked him every night since losing Layla. When in Washington, D.C. I met some incredible people-I call them my angels. They were parents just like me-children in D.C. for heart surgery. One of the couples came from the same town I live in and we became very close. We leaned on each other during times of despair, tiredness, worry, we kept each other afloat. We prayed together and for each others children, who in part became part of each of our families. There was so much love in this group of strangers that became friends for life.
One of my "angels" called me yesterday to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and to see how I was doing. While on the phone, she informed me the couple I met from my hometown had been back in Washington, she saw the hubby when she took her son for a doctor's appointment. I told her I didn't know and felt so bad because you would have thought I would have known, they live 10 minutes from me. Truth is, like I explained to her, I felt bad,scared to talk to them/see them. I felt bad because their child was home and mine was not-angry. I just couldn't see him home and know he was in worse shape than Layla when he came their. See he had a 50% chance of survival and Layla had a 90% chance. Instead, Layla left and he survived. I was angry that my baby was gone and their son was here. It wasn't supposed to be that way.
Anyway, this morning I mustered up the courage to call and ask how everything was. I was told since we returned in January they had to rush him back there for emergency surg, his valve was leaking into his stomach. They say he had only a slim chance of survival-he had to be cut open and another heart surg had to be performed. I was so sad and felt so terrible as a Christian and human being. I explained to her why I hadn't called or come by to visit and she understood. As a matter of fact her hubby and her had talked about that last week. That is why they hadn't been around me with their son, they didn't want to feel as if they were throwing him in my face.
After the conversation, I lay down and thought about what she was going through as a mother- 2 heart surg in less than 3 months and she still had her faith. I thought about her son, 6 years old, once running and very active, now going through this, something no child should have to undergo. It came to me! God spared my Layla from this type of life, spared me. I would never want her to suffer, she was only a baby. I remembered praying the day she passed away, asking God not to let her suffer, I felt even though she was out of it with the meds, that she was not happy. She was an active baby before, laughing, crawling, play fighting. Would I have wanted her to hurt, have all those surgeries? NO!!!
God made it where she would never go through that pain and inactivity again. I fell asleep and dreamed of her with the tubes in her and awoke crying. I looked at her picture and told her I didn't want her to suffer and that I loved her enough to give her to God, who had given her a little while to me. It doesn't make me hurt any less, but I do now understand.