Well here goes another month. It came by so fast and it really does seem longer than 3 months since Layla left us. My son and I were talking this morning when we lit her candle, that the time is just creeping by. It seems to us to have happened a lifetime ago, when I remember a month ago it felt to me as if it had just happened.I have handled it pretty well considering, I informed everyone that I really didn't feel like talking or socializing-I just want to listen to my gospel music on my mp3 and play on the computer. They have respected my wishes. While on the internet I found a book called "When Babies/Children Go to Heaven" and I have been reading it and it has helped me alot. I went through Layla's pictures and cried with the sweet memories I have of her and told her that I need her help to keep pushing forward.
The other day I knew the 19th was coming and I was having a hard time that whole day. The guilt awaken in me again, even after attending bible study and talking with my pastor, knowing I did nothing wrong taking Layla for the surgery. But there it was again like a beast in the waiting. I looked at her pictures and cried and told her how sorry I was until I fell asleep. Then the most amazing thing happened-she was in my dreams. Still in a baby form but able to put together simple baby sentences. We played and I bathed her, changed her clothes, did her hair, read to her. Then I began to cry in the dream, as if I realized it was time for her to go. I told her while crying that mommy is so sorry I never meant for it to happen like this. She said No, no Mommy not your fault. I cried and said its not my fault and she said no mommy. She also said mommy no be sad ,luv you mommy and she jumped in my arms and hugged me so tight and gave me a kiss. It was so real, I could smell her, feel her. I told her that was the best kiss in the whole wide world and I love her forever and she smiled and laughed at me and then disappeared. Next thing I know my son was waking me up to take him to school. I just broke down crying and he asked me what was wrong? I explained the dream to him and he said she knows I am sad and she came to me to make me happy. He also said whenever he has a bad day or is feeling down she comes to him in his dreams also. He hugged me and helped me get myself together again.
Let me tell you the rest of the day I had such a peace about me. I realized that what my grandma once told me is true that loved ones do visit us from beyond in times of need. I guess Layla since the ulcer I have given myself from worrying about her and the depression I have been in, and wanted to give me some peace of mind. Letting me know that my angel is looking out for me even now from beyond. I love you Layla-Mommy