My dear Beliefnet friends, 

I know that I have not been that active on the forums lately and when "annie's" post came with the pictures of her family I relized that I missed coming here.  My life like everyone's this time of year is very busy however, my busy-ness seems to run all year round.  I can honestly say that my life is never boring.   I can also say that this has been a typical fall/winter for me in that many of life's challenges seem to come at this time.  But that is not what I want to post about today.  No today I'm feeling very grateful.  

Christmas has always been a very difficult time of year for me for a variety of reasons.  For the most part I do my best to focus on the wonderful story of a baby's birth and listen to the music that proclaims this birth.  I try very hard not to get too grouchy over all the hype and crazyness that seems a normal part of Christmas now.  I still can't figure our what giant inflated polar bears have to do with Christmas but I guess they make some people happy to have them on their lawns.  I keep very aware of my thoughts so that I don't let my frustrations of what has happened to the celebration of Christmas seep over into the face I show to the world.  It's not my place to dump on their own celebrations.  

This year I have many things to be thankful for.  I've been blessed with many a small miracle and it was looking at annie's pictures that prompted me to look as some of my own recent pictures.  Looking at them reminded me of just how blessed I am.  Sure we've had our struggles this year with ill health, financial woes and some emotional turmoils but we've come through most of all of that and what a perfect reason to give thanks to God for seeing us through.  And so my friends I'm going to share with you some pictures of my family, taken as you can see specifically for this time of year.  The smiles you see are really coming from the heart.  

I am also very grateful for this forum and the opportunity to connect with so many interesting and caring people.  May you all be blessed with joy, peace and happiness that comes with the celebration of the original Christmas.  

Be good to you - Razz 

 Little jay photography is my youngest daughters recent business adventure.  She has found that thing that is her "bliss" and must be what she's destined to do as things have been going very well for her.  This is the picture she took of myself, my husband, our big dog Barney and our little dog Scooter to be used for our Christmas cards.  

  this is our oldest daughter and her dog Oreo... all set for Christmas as well.   This year to my delight she's actually going to be able to come home and share the holiday with us.  

  a very poor quality picture of my youngest daughter, her boyfriend and her dog Shylo.  They were all dressed up to do a photo shoot at a pet store.  She did very well as people are really keen to get pictures of their pets with Santa.  Bless the boyfriend as well for being such a good sport, it's a new side of him we haven't seen yet.  

You've probably noticed a theme in all these pictures by now .... yes we are dog people.  I would dearly love to have grandchildren but until that happens I'll be happy with my grand-puppies and grand-bunnies (not in the pictures - lol)  With such a loving and for the most part happy family how could I not feel that God is indeed generous to me! 

What prompted me to write a journal post today was Therese's blog today :  

blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/   Mental Illness Takes No Holiday.  Here is my response to that post as it pretty well sums up how I feel and what I struggle with each year at this time.  

This brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. Although I have never had the unfortunate experience of being alone at Christmas I’ve certainly had that feeling. While the rest of the world seems to be all “happy and merry and bright” I was shrouded in the darkness of my depression. For years now I’ve hated Christmas. Oh, I’ve put on a good face and go through the motions of creating a happy Christmas celebration but inside of me I want to scream. Even during those years, like this year, when my depression was not too overwhelming the whole big “show” that comes at this time of the year just grates on my nerves.

People have been complaining since I was a kid that it’s gotten too commercialized but that’s not it…. to me it’s become too de-personalized. It’s all about the “perfect” everything and society no longer focuses on the individual. On the people who celebrate Christmas in what ever way they can. Why we even have this celebration has long long ago lost it’s original meaning. To me it’s gotten just way too big…. HUGE even.

What happened to the simple time of celebrating the birth of someone who would change the world in his life time? What happened to the remembrance of his humble birth, so much like our own births. Each of us perfect in our uniqueness and we don’t need inflated fake snow globes with polar bears in them to show off to the neighbors.

This birth of an infant came with a message of love and peace for all mankind. It didn’t come all wrapped up in foil and a “perfect” wired ribbon bow!!!
How much better I would feel at Christmas if only we could focus on the message and share our love and understanding to those we know and those we don’t know. The child whose birthday we are celebrating, long forgotten now among the retail frenzy, came with a message that we are all special in God’s sight. And even if we are physically alone on that date…. we are never really truly alone.

I shake my head at those huge Christmas displays on my neighbor's yards.  So many things that have nothing to do with Christmas..... it's more about winter.  They may feel good about the "show" they've put on but I wonder if they've ever stopped to think of how many hungry people their electricity bill would feed.  

Yep... I could go on for longer but I think you get the general drift.  And so I am often "alone" at Christmas.  I may be surrounded by people but my heart is yearning for that peace that only comes when everyone isn't rushing around in a frenzy trying to make things perfect somehow.  Sit with me awhile and lets read the story of this remarkable birth.  

Razz

You see she's found her "passion" ..... being a photographer specializing in families, babies and pets.  She was here because she had 5 shooting sessions schedule for yesterday and today.  All outdoor family Christmas pictures and one newborn indoor shoot.  To me her pictures are awesome ... but I do have an emotional investment so I'm not sure you can trust my word.  However people are paying her for her services and some of these people are repeat customers.  She can't quit her day job but it must make her feel good to have someone value what you do enough to pay you for it!!!!    

So that's the good news.  The bad news......... aaaaaaaaaack........... she stayed here this weekend.   Oh I have spent an enormous time building healthy boundaries between us and for the most part I feel that we've reached a good point in our relationship.  It's almost the opposite of what it was like in those years before sobriety.  That was like living in a nightmare.    But I digress.  She found all those buttons I was sure I'd gotten rid of or had carefully hidden.  Bing, bing, bing.....it was like a mid-way game.... bells were going off left, right and center.  How quickly I had forgotten how her quirks and her thinking patterns can get on my nerves.  The fact that she had her dog with her, to which my little dog felt inclined to “keep in line”, didn’t help much either.  Was I going to let those “things” that really don’t matter spoil a perfectly good visit? 

No.  I had to keep telling myself to “let it go”…. her irritating habits weren’t worth the upset (no doubt I have a few that set her off as well).  I understood that it was time that I finally accept her just the way she is … and enjoy her happiness with her.  She was only here for a limited amount of time, not setting up a permanent residence.  Surely I’ve grown up enough to be able to look beyond those petty things.  I won’t say it was easy but I can say that as time went on it did get easier.  And what a great learning opportunity for me. 

Come Christmas, when not only she but her boyfriend, her sister and my mother will be here, I’ll be prepared to see all as “who” they are, not what they do.  It’s a big lesson to learn that people do not do things on purpose to upset us.  No, instead it’s our reaction or thoughts about their actions that cause the upset.  We are all unique but we are all also family.  This is a time to share in each other’s company.  It’s a time to put aside all those petty grievances and just “be”.  There is good in all of us and it will be the perfect time to look for and see that. 

So yes, I’m grateful for the “Rehearsal” this past weekend.  Now when all the busy-ness that comes with Christmas is upon us I can remember what I realized and thank God for my wonderful and unique family.  We can all be together and experience the wonder and joy that comes with the celebration of the birth of a very special baby. 

Razz 

It seems the only time I ever post is when I find myself challenged my "life".  I'm very mindful of that as I type this post this afternoon.  That knowledge helps me to understand that not all of my life is a "challenge" and there are many simple pleasures and small miracles that come along frequently.  My next journal post is there for going to be one of "overcoming" and the joy that has brought.  I even have an idea for it as I sit here..... will need some time to let it develop.  

However today's post is about something more serious but also about how we are blessed with miracles just when we need them the most.  OH... nothing as major as parting the sea or raising the dead.... but a miracle none the less.  

I'm pretty sure that I have posted before about what my daughters call my "Spidey Senses".  I have no idea when I noticed their exsistence but it didn't take me long to start to pay attention to them.  When these "senses" are triggered it always means that someone close to me is in trouble or will be in trouble.  I very seldom get a "name" with them but I have on occasion.  What happens is that emotionally I get this overwhelming feeling of anxiety that doesn't seem to come from any trigger.  Soon this is followed by "tingling" in my hands and up my arms.  At times this tinggling can be quite severe.  And no I haven't ever talked to my doctor about it.  I long ago accepted it for what it is.... and I wait for the phone call.  There is always a phone call with news that is not good.  The seriousness of the trouble can vary from "not so bad" to "crisis".  On Thurs. night my "Spidey Senses' started to tingle a bit.  

MY husband was leaving the next morning to drive 5 hours away just to go skiing for a few hours in the mountains.  Naturally my first thought was of him and the dangers or driving on winter highways and the dangers of the slopes.  By the time he was ready to leave at 7;00 am I was buzzing like a hight voltage power line.  I needlessly reminded him to be careful and went about getting ready for work.  Buzz, buzz, buzz.  

At 8:20 am... as I was about to put my coat on to go to work the "phone call" came.  It wasnt' my husband at all but my youngest daughter..... she had just been in a fairly serious car accident!  She was on the verge of hysterical but did manage to give me most of the details of what happened.  At that point she was running on adrenilin that shoots through our bodies at times like this so I was concerned about her physical health even though she "seemed" to be Ok.  Her boyfriend was the first person she called... she was terrified that she was stuck in the mangled mess of her car (the airbag had deployed and her front windshield had been smashed out.  He came to her side right away.  Eventually she discovered that she could move and gradually make her way out of her smashed up car.  

From beginning to end of this experience the hand of God was there.  My belief in the inherint good in human beings has been put to a test and on the other hand confirmed.  There were 3 cars involved in a pile up with my daughter's car being the last one in the row.  She also sustained the more serious damage.  A tow-truck driver who was driving not too far behind when the accident happened immediately pulled over and ran to see if she was OK.  He could see that she was in shock and urged her to sit down with her head down.  Then when he learned that the police had not been called he went back to his truck to do that.  During the time it took him to do that the drivers of the first 2 cars took off.  The woman in the first car didn't even check on my daughter, still "trapped" in her car, but checked the damage to her car and drove off.  The man in the car that she hit was in a hurry to get to work and so just threw his business card at her, she had one of hers to give him and then without any questions about her well being... he took off as well.  ....what is wrong with this picture?????  

With her boyfriend there the tow-truck driver stayed with her as well.  He kept monitoring her physical condition ... asking her questions to see how badly she was in shock or if she had any head injuries.  

The police arrived fairly quickly and thanks to the quick thinking of the tow-truck driver had the licence plate number of the car that my daughter hit and are planning on charging him with fleeing the scene of an accident.  The car was "totalled" and towed to her home. Fortunately my daughter wasn't.  Although things could have been sooooo much worse after being checked out by a doctor the only injuries she has are minor - a strained wrist and a painful headache (they are watching out for concussion).  

She will really need to replace her car soon.  It was an old junker that was reliable but the insurance she had didn't cover damage to it.  I stepped up on her behalf and was able to get a loan ($2000 - 3000) from her grandmother.... that gave her some big relief.  

Both her and I are going through the stages of dealing with a "traumatic' event at much the same rate.  At first I too was in shock and extremely concerned about her welfare.  I was also torn between getting in my car to so to her and leaving it to her boyfriend to give her the support and comfort she needed.  I was able to keep updated by phone and text messages.  This concern eventually gave way to anger...... really primal anger ..... how could people respond the way they did?  How dare they leave my daughter on the highway like that whey it was obvious that she was at risk for some serious physical injuries.... never mind the mental pain.  By the end of the day I was ready to explode I was so angry.  I just kept busy and figured it would subside on it's own.  

Talking to my daughter yesterday she too is filled with anger and indignation and confusion and disbelief.  She is my "compassionate' daughter who is always bringing strays both animals and people.  She can not begin to imagine how anyone could just "leave" ... without any thought for her.  Fortunately for both of us that disappointment it tempered by the fact that the tow-truck driver choose to become involve.  There are indeed "angels among us" 

I'm not concerned about myself, I know that I will work my way through the process and be none the worse for wear.  My daughter on the other concerns me.  She has struggled with clinical depression from the early age of 10.  This could be just the thing to put her into a downward spiral.  She sounded still shook up when I talked to her last and I'm praying the she will see the blessings she was given on that day and will come to a place of acceptance with it.  

She recieved a minor miracle .... and she knows that when she starts to think about all the things that could have happened and didn't.  Unfortunately it's those thoughts that are fuelling her anxiety right now.  Any prayers you could spare for her will be greatly appreciated.  

Be good to you - Razz 

I Just Can’t Keep Doing This!

A conversation with myself:

“I just can’t keep doing this.  I can’t, it’s just too much.  I just can’t.” 

“Road apples!!”  (I actually said something stronger but you get the idea)

“but it’s so hard”

“So.  Life is hard sometimes.”

“but I just can’t keep doing this!”

“Want to bet?  What are your alternatives?  You think you could live with that?”

 “Well of coarse not!”

 “So then I guess you’ll keep doing it.  And stop whining, you’re only making yourself feel worse!”

I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I have this conversation or one similar with myself.  It certainly happened when I was trying to get and stay sober but it happened way before that too. I’m one of those folks for whom life has given many challenges and some of them very serious.  Right now it’s *mother* and I had this conversation with myself yesterday morning, last night, the day before, the day before that ……….. they call it obsessive thinking.  What it is for me is a HUGE RED FLAG. Time to hit pause and look at what’s going on. 

Can’t ….one of the biggest negative words in our vocabulary (ok, not always like when we need to protect boundaries then it’s a positive).   Our thoughts are everything and when we say “can’t” to ourselves our brain will help us fulfill that thought.  For me now that brings depression and resentment.  When I was trying to stop drinking it gave me room to drink.  None of this is good stuff.  This is stuff we want to avoid.  So that means that I have to stop using the word “can’t” and figure how to turn this around.  Not that easy a thing to do at times.  

Today this thinking is fueled by anxiety.  I know that I will not stop taking care of *mother’s* needs no matter how much I don’t want to continue.  I know that the time has come where she is needing me more and more.  I really am not comfortable with that and at the same time I know I couldn’t just not do it.  I am who I am…a compassionate woman….which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just a very tiring thing right now.  It’s also a very lonely thing right now since my brother not only lives a 1000mi. away but so do his thoughts.  Out of sight, out of mind and only if he gets a snarly message from me will he feel obliged to respond in some way.  It’s very seldom in a helpful way.  Which means it’s just me (and my very supportive husband).    

So once again I am faced with a huge challenge. I can fall apart, tell myself I “can’t” OR I can pause, pull away for a little bit and think before I react.  I know that the worst thing I can do it to permit these problems to overwhelm me.  I can choose to calm down and take things one step at a time, one day at a time.  I can choose to accept the reality of the situation.  I can choose to see the good things that are slowly happening.  I can choose to live with what is the reality for today.  I can choose to keep going.  I can choose to stop whining and if I think it might help, I can choose to start thinking of future alternatives should *mother* go on the decline in a hurry.  I can choose to let go of the resentment I feel towards my brother since it’s only hurting me and making me feel more depressed.  I can choose to accept that he will always be who he is and I can’t depend on him for help.  Simple when you think about it.  AND ……..

I can continue to pray.  That’s what I’ve been doing all along, asking God to guide me to know what is the next right thing to do.  But yesterday as I had that “conversation” with myself while driving home with tears in my eyes I understood that God isn’t “leaving me out to dry” on this thing but showing me that I do have options.  I can keep doing this…..as long as I keep the focus on each day and each moment of the day.   I must also remember that I have received one HUGE BLESSING in this past year….. *mother’s* personality has done a 180 degree turn around.  She’s nice to me.  For 56 years she was never nice to me.  Now she tells me that she loves me and she thanks me for all I do.  It is so odd and unsettling at times, this woman who is my mother and yet not the mother I knew.  I am blessed for I’ve known so many families where the opposite change has taken place.  I’m learning to relax around her and that certainly helps makes things less challenging.

 “So stop whining Razz, set a routine that works for you and still gives you the time you need for myself.  Take it day by day since that’s how things are progressing anyway.  Stop saying “can’t” and start saying “I choose to …. “.  And for heaven’s sake don’t let the fear of “what if” control your thoughts….. you’ll just get crazier than you already are.”

Things are very, very slowly improving with her overall health.  She is finally eating.  The other day she let housekeeping in to do her room – yippee!!  I can hold onto those thoughts as well as ….. this situation is not permanent.  Things change daily and God willing she’ll be back to her usual state of limited mobility and level of confusion but also able to continue to do the ordinary things of daily living. 

If on the other hand she takes a “nose dive” I will deal with that then.  I know that with God’s help I’ll get thought that as well.   I can, I can, I can. 

Be good to you - Razz