Procrastination is usually not a problem for me, but I can't pull myself away from my iPhone apps and my iTunes long enough to finish my work for Wednesday.  What is wrong with me?  I'm afraid of doing bad job?  Or is there just too much to do???

Thinking very hard and doing a lot of reading about conversion to Reform Judaism.  I feel like this has been coming since I was in about the fifth grade.  But why now when I'm so busy I can barely sleep?  It just feels right right now.  I will do more reading, give it a month or two, and call the Reform Rabbi here in town. 

Today I work work, work then go for my yearly mammogram.  The last three times they thought they found something and pulled me back in for another one, but the radiologist never finds anything.  I just keep thinking this is the year.  I have so much going on and I'm so happy, it has to be.  My aunt was only 41 when she was diagnosed and I'm 38.  I know I'll get it soon.

Eight hous at work, two hour nap, two hours of working on references for a paper.  Now maybe I'll sleep.

Yesterday and last night I finished a mammoth chapter in by book for class, took a nap, and then read another huge chapter. 

Then I finally tried Jewish meditation (I'm using a great book for guidance).  I meditated for 20 minutes and I think it was good for me; I'm not meditating for my anxiety problems anymore (it's gone away).  I just like it.

My book for class is 300 pages, and I'm somewhere around page 90.  It's taking me forever because it's so interesting I'm underlining everything and taking notes in the margins.  But there is a larger goal ahead.  I have to keep going, even though all the cats in the bed make me sleepy!

So far today the only thing I've done is go to Barnes and Noble with my husband.  I did get three books that look great:

Jewish Meditation by Aryeh Kaplan

Simple Words by Adin Steinsaltz

The Wisdom of Maimonides: The Life and Writings of the Jewish Sage by Edward Hoffman

I'm really excited about the last one because it was exactly what I was looking for and I didn't know it existed.  It looks perfect for what I need.

Currently (between reading for work and reading for class) I'm reading Discovering Jewish Meditation: Instruction & Guidance for Learning an Ancient Spiritual Practice by Nan Fink Gefen.  I'm halfway through and haven't meditated so far.  I've just now reached that part of the book.

Has anyone read The Adventures of Rabbi Harvey by Steve Sheinkin?  It's a graphic novel.  They had the sequel at the store but I want to read the first one first.

For my entire life, I've been an athiest.  I didn't even believe in Santa Claus (my father still can't forgive me for that one).  For the past month or so, I've been an agnostic about every third day.  Something has been at the back of my mind for 18 years and I can't get it out.  I'm afraid I won't be able to do it justice here.

When I was 20 (I'm 38 now), I read Night by Elie Wiesel.  There was a passage that really got to me, and I keep going back to it over and over again.  Keep in mind I haven't read the book for 20 years, so my paraphrasing will be poor.

In one of the death camps Wiesel is sent to, the SS officers gathered all of the prisoners together to hang another prisoner for some small infraction.  It was meant to send a message or be an example to the others.  As the man was hanging dead above the rest of the men, I believe it was Wiesel who asked, "Where is God now?" and the man beside him pointed to the dead man and said, "He's up there.  He's up there hanging with him."

One of my undergraduate degrees is in Philosophy & Religion.  I've studied world religions, read religious texts, been to many different places of worship, but this is the one and only interpretation of god that has ever made sense to me.  It hits me in the gut.  And I don't know what to do with it.

I've done the Belief-O-Matic quiz several times, and each time I come up with high scores for "humanism' and "reform jew."  This is interesting to me because I've been to many religious services (several kinds of Christian and Jewish, one Muslim, Buddhist practice) and the only one I ever felt at home in was the Reform Jewish synagouge.  Does this mean I'm going to run out and convert?  No, but there is definitely something there to explore.  I'm part Jewish, and before I was even aware of that I spent much of elementary and jr. high school reading about Jewish history.  Now reading Jewish ethics is a very big part of my life (that I always make room for between work and school), and I'm exploring Jewish meditation.

I'm bipolar I (don't be scared; I'm very well-medicated and very normal) and I find both the studying of ethics and meditation to be very helpful to my well-being.

In an effort to make some improvements to many of areas of my life and a driving desire to be a better person, I'm going to take on spirituality and religion in this process.