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    Acceptance

    Monday, January 19, 2009, 12:36 PM [General]

    I'm really realizing lately how critical I am. I just assume when I meet someone that they will be who they showed me they were when we had first met. I now realize that I need to accept growth in people. I accept it in myself so I don't really know why I haven't in other people. I guess I want a solid rock consisting of those things and people I already know and am familiar with while I do my changing. Never expecting them to do the same. God forbid. lol! My new new years resolution is to encourage growth in others. Make sure they know that I will always love them and I will be there through everything. I wouldn't want my family or friends to dump me because I was learning something new about the world and dealing with different circumstances. Anyway, just a small thought that could change so many things for me. If only I apply it.
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    Individual Thought

    Wednesday, December 10, 2008, 11:28 PM [General]

    Wow! A lot of mental transformation has been going on for me lately. I'm natively a traditionalist but I've been forced to see other points of view lately it seems. Not that I'm not open to that but it's like these new theories/ideas are beating me to a pulp. Like they won't leave me alone. And it's not just one person saying it is a variety of people that are unconventional in thought. Basically this thought is that American's are sort of brainwashed into thinking that they cannot change things. Like there is nearly no critical analysis of traditions and cultural ideas and ways of doing things. To stay in season Christmas. It's almost as if people are on crack during this time of year and nobody stops to think why are we doing this REALLY? Why are we spending so much money on things we don't need just to say that we have given to others. Isn't there a more sustainable, more thoughtful way of giving thanks and appreciation to those you love? I'm still not 100% convinced with this theory but I really do very seriously agree with people switching focus from the vain and material views to more whats going on internally sort of rehabilitating and questioning ourselves there, as well as using our creativity to better ourselves rather than destroy ourselves with material means. I feel pretty unsure about this new mindset and need to explore it more. At the same time I don't want to conform to a new idea that I don't have a natural inclination toward. I don't naturally want to explore the non-traditional ways of thinking because I've enjoyed them as a child but I do like new thought and want to individualise myself based on what my mind, heart and soul see on their own. I just feel resistance because I should have thought of this. I shouldn't have just accepted the way things are. Why is this just now coming to my attention? I don't understand how I can be so intuned with so many other things in life and be so oblivious to this. I just wish it was my original thought process and I know again my ego and pride come into play LOL! Undecided

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    At a standstill

    Friday, November 28, 2008, 10:23 PM [General]

    Sometimes I feel like my life is at a standstill. Waiting, always waiting for the next great moment where I'll c be catapulted into another leg of my journey. I feel so motivated to go to school and get on with helping people but at the same time I feel like it is a distant dream and perhaps unattainable. I guess it is good to have two sides of yourself like that. One that is cynical and one that is more optimistic. Sometimes I feel like I'm going at nice pace and I am glad that things aren't moving too fast. Other times I want to be there instantly. I ask myself why are you not living now? Why are you waiting for anything. There is so much to explore in this time period you're at now. Don't waste it. Go help those less fortunate. Or even just give all of your love to your family and friends. 

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    Selfishness

    Wednesday, November 19, 2008, 12:18 AM [General]

    I feel so many things lately. Actually I have felt things intensely my entire life. Just recently (like within the last year or so) I've gone to a different level of selfishness in my quest for self discovery. In my teen years I cared not for anyone else' plight but my own miserable one living with my parents. That was pure, undisputed selfishness. Now that I'm a year or so into my 20's I've found that now I'm looking at everything in terms of how it relates to me. Like people. I ask myself how am I being treated in this relationship, how am I benefiting from this union of comradery. Do I need to discard it because it isn't good for me? Its neverending. I listen to other people to suck out the information in terms of how it can add to my developing way of thinking, being spiritual, philisophical... basically in terms of how I want to present my ideas or how I want the world to look at them. How I want others to see how I look at the world. I know this is all normal for the most part but I feel exhausted being this damn selfish. I wish I was a being of light and could discard my ego, watching the dust of the past attachments and wants and desires fall to the floor in a stream of dust particles. I wish I could find myself through service of others... actually I wish I would just know who I am and then be able to focus on others soly. What if I'm stuck in a realm of forever being selfish? Forever wondering, "How is this going to better my life?". Sometimes I wonder if that is even possible in a society like the one we live in where it a disgrace to be a doormat. I know there must be a middle ground. A place of pure contentment. God willing I will find this peace. I just dislike being so selfish right now.
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