My Aunt Rose gave me the name of Little Fastie when I was about 8 years old, because I didn't want to play with dolls.    I have been a caregiver for my sister B.J. for the past 18 years.   She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 1987.  She started off falling.  I thought she was just being clumsy.  She'd say, "My legs feel like spaghetti."  On about the 3rd fall, she fell on a piece of broken glass and it opened her knee up.  I rushed her to the hospital where they were asking me all kinds of questions about what happened.  I said, "she was being clumsy, and fell on a piece of glass."  They asked for our doctors name.  After about an hour, the ER doctor came to the waiting room and told me our doctor was on the phone, and wanted to speak to me.  I was in total shock.  Dr. Robeson (our Dr.) said, "I've made arrangements for her to be admitted, and I'll see her soon."  I said, "for what, she was clumsy and they've put stitches in her knee, why have you done this?"  He said, "well let's hope that's all it is, but I want to be sure."  My heart sank.  Anyway, she was in there for six days taking tests everyday.  Multiple Sclerosis, can you believe it?  She went from a cane, to a walker, and then because of a decubitis that formed on her hip, to the bed.  The time it took for the decubitis to be treated and healed (1-1/2 yrs.) it atropied the muscles in her back, and she was no longer able to sit up.  She has been bed bound for about 14 yrs. now.  She's been through a lot.  We have a health-aide that bathes her each a.m. and a nurse who comes in for six hours per day, and that is a blessing.  I am the primary care-giver.   I divorced over 20 years ago.  Since taking care of my big sister, I have had two serious relationships, and each one started demanding more and more of my time, well knowing that I had to take care of my sister.  They knew of my baggage upon entering the relationship.  I had to let them both go.  I haven't been able to figure out if they were selfish or that they just couldn't handle it.  Needless to say, I get lonely for the comfort of a significant other.    I have been trying to establish an on-line business for some time now.  I just can't seem to get there.  I've taken non-traditional classes, 2-3 weeks, weekends, seminars, workshops, bootcamps, etc. because of the time I have to spend with my sister.  I would really like to be making some money, so that I do something other than pay bills.    I never regret taking care of her, but . . . . I DO get tired, and sometimes bored.  I love her tremendously.  All of my friends work, and have families.  They don't have time to do things for me ????  I do truly wish I could get some relief sometimes.  Heck, I wish I could take a 3-4 day trip.    I do truly hope I am not wearing anyone's ear out, but it does feel good to be able to say this to someone. 

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