pema222
More About Me
My Tagline:
Just Be Yourself
My Interests:
Prayer, Meditation, God, Angels, Afterlife, History, TV, Music, Books, Current events, Art, Environment, Holistic living, Health, Depression, Fitness, Pets, Dreams, overcoming emotional abuse, paranormal phenomenon, hiking, outdoors, skydiving, camping, cycling, nature, the beach, wildlife, sunsets, storms, the night sky, the vast ocean, philosophy, acoustic music
My Favorite Books, Authors, Musicians, Movies, Preachers, TV shows, etc:
The Four Agreements(book), House MD, Mystery Diagnosis, Frequency, A Few Good Men, The Sound of Music, Pay It Forward, Jesus of Nazereth, Cesar's Way(book, by Cesar Milan) Dog Whisperer(tv)
Who Inspires Me:
several people.Wise people that I learn profound life lessons from. What inspires me-Nature, seeing evidence of God's work
My organizations and affiliations:
Self Help & Inspiration, The Kingdom of God Within, Women Today, Finding Beauty in Bipolar
My favorite spiritual activities:
Talking to God, playing my guitar or piano, (God-given natural talents, i don't read music)meditation at the beach, observing God's gift of nature and it's beauty.
Who I'm praying for:
those suffering ...everyone
What is your current spiritual mood?:
Resigned
What's your spiritual type?:
Active Spiritual Seeker - I'm spiritual but turned off by organized religion.
About Me
I've suffered from depression and emotional mood swings all my life. I have a lot of good in me that has sadly, been suppressed. I used to have a great relationship with God but feel like he's mad at me. I am blessed and thank Him for the things that I have that others don't. As long as I live in this house of hate,I just feel God is so far away and I want to find my way back to Him.
I'm currently in an abusive marriage with a retired homicide detective ,who's addicted to narcotic pain killers.The psychological damage of his abuse towards me has become,at times, physically and emotionally demoralizing, immobilizing and draining. As a new year passes and I age another year, I realize I cannot stagnate any longer. I have to start taking care of myself physically ,emotionally and spiritually. I have a seizure disorder , stopped exercising , I'm depressed, scared and my body aches and feels like it's 88. Nothing will change if I don't. He presented a false image of himself and I have g radually seen the real beast inside him from the addiction, the deep seeded issues and failed marriage issues that all got unresolved, I see how they all play a part. I'm just turning in my costume for my life back. I have to learn patience. That is the greatest challenge. I'm always picking up and running away, now I have no one and no where to run to.
I'm starting back to college after 20 years & back to working FT after a year of not working due to seizures . My dogs protect me the best they can, That's one reason I stay besides fear. Also, I don't have family close by and they think he's wonderful anyway. I'm new to the area ,and difficulty making friends.Married less than 2 yrs. There were signs before his addiction escalated , I just chose to ignore it , then it got progressively ugly after the wedding. Now, Im on autopilot, trying to maintain sanity & keep the peace. Even during 'peace time, I am expending energy on not being who I am ;putting the charade on for as long as I can. I'm isolated in the house .He never stated but once or twice I couldn't go out with any friends..He just makes it an unenjoyable situation, it could be a lunch with a friend, a spending some time with a new friend, and the incessant phone calls come in less than an hour after I've left. Then he calls my friends cell phones. he calls their houses. it's a big hassle. He does this only at certain times, like when I'm visiting my mom or brother recently, he won't call.as to make any story I say, look like a lie to them. It's a late afternoon, lifetime movie. I want Diane Lane to play my part.
I hope to connect with others during my self-healing journey, to re-direct the negative energy of pented up anger & resentment of being angry at myself for being stupid by allowing myself to be abused, controlled and trapped ,into more positive behaviors and thoughts to improve myself and revive the happy me and get out of this loveless marriage alive.
I've managed to find great solice in helping others through their issues but feel I can only do that best when I have a better grasp on myself. I want to emerge from the darkness of my pain so I can experience the enjoyment of the littlest pleasures in life that I've missed; the smell of the air, a child's innocent laughter. To open all my mind, heart and awareness to experiences in order to learn the lesson that was intended for me to learn in order for me to improve and release myself from this inner negative prison. Then, I can do what I love: help others in need.
My Basics
Gender: Female
Occupation: student
Relationship Status: Married
Faiths:
Spiritual but not religious,
Faith Description: Spiritually seeking, Believe in God , trying to undo damage done by 12 years of Catholic school nuns who taught me God was an angry vengeful God.I believe in a God full of Love.
pema222's Journal
Posted: Feb 19, 2008 5:55 PM
my favorite book, im sorry, is not the Bible, it's too over the top for me, makes no sense, written in a 'language ' i cannot... (more)
Posted: Jan 26, 2008 4:15 PM
i got in trouble (wow, i typed that instantly as if i really do live with a parent and not a husband,,,,scary) just now...actually a... (more)
Posted: Jan 4, 2008 3:12 PM
I ended up watching Storm Chasers last night for lack of anything else on . I love severe weather, particularly thunderstorms as I've... (more)
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When we are going through a difficult time, we may hesitate to call even our best friends because we don’t want to burden them with our troubles. This can be especially true if we’ve been going through a series of challenges, and we’re starting to feel as if we sound like a broken record. It is important to remember that at times like these our friends sincerely want to be there for us whenever they can. We can always check with them to make sure it’s a good time for them before we start talking, and if it’s not a good time, we can call back at another time, or call another friend.
We know for ourselves that when we have a good friend, we don’t want them to suffer alone when we are just a phone call away. We want them to call us and share their sorrows with us, as well as their joys, because this is what sharing a life through friendship is about. It is at our lowest points that we really need to rely on our friends without worrying that we are a burden. If you are feeling self-conscious about having a tough time, you can bring this fact into the conversation by acknowledging it. Chances are your friend will reassure you that she is happy to be there for you. In fact, rather than feeling taxed, most of us feel better when we have helped a friend simply by listening empathically while they share their feelings.
Without our friends, we would be hard pressed to get through the tough times and celebrate the good ones. If we leave our friends out of our process when the going gets tough, our friendships can begin to feel shallow. On the other hand, when we include our friends in the full story of our life—the good, the bad, and the ugly—we build authentic relationships in which we can be who we truly are. When we do this, we invite our friends to bring their whole selves to the relationship as well.
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/12839.html
When we find ourselves in an argument, we may feel like we are losing control of emotions that have taken on lives of their own. When we can become aware that this is happening, taking a deep breath can help us step back from the situation. Once we can separate ourselves from the heat of the moment, we may find that the emotional trigger that began the argument has little to do with the present situation, but may have brought up feelings related to something else entirely. Looking honestly at what caused our reaction allows us to consciously respond more appropriately to the situation and make the best choices.
We can make an agreement with our partners and those closest to us that asking questions can help all of us discover the source of the argument. The shared awareness can result in finding simple solutions to something physical, like low blood sugar or even a hormonal surge. Maybe we are taking ourselves too seriously, and we can just laugh and watch the tension dissolve. We could also discover that perhaps we are addicted to the excitement that drama brings and the chemicals that our body creates when we are angry. But there may be a deeper issue that requires discussion, understanding, and patience. The more we allow ourselves to step back and examine our reasons for arguing, the easier it becomes to allow real feelings to surface and guide us toward solutions that improve our lives.
When we can be clear about our feelings and intentions and communicate them clearly, we have a far better chance of getting what we want than if we lose control or allow our subconscious minds to manipulate the situation. We might take our frustrations out on the people closest to us because we feel safe and comfortable with them, but misplaced anger can cause more harm than good. Arguing for what we truly believe can empower us and help us to direct our passions toward greater life experiences. Truly knowing our reasons for arguing enables us to grow emotionally in ways that will affect our whole being.
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/12094.html
In many ways, we are taught from the time we are children to give away our power to others. When we were told to kiss and hug relatives or friends of the family when we didn’t want to, for example, we were learning to override our inner sense of knowing and our right to determine for ourselves what we want to do. This repression continued, most likely, in many experiences at school and in situations at work. At this point, we may not even know how to hold on to our power, because giving it away is so automatic and ingrained.
To some degree, giving our energy to other people is simply part of the social contract, and we feel that we have to do it in order to survive. It is possible to exchange energy in a way that preserves our inner integrity and stability. This begins in a small way: by listening to the voice that continues to let us know what we want, no matter how many times we override its messages.
Other examples of how we give away our power are buying into trends, letting other people always make decisions for us, not voting, and not voicing an opinion when an inappropriate joke is made. But with not giving our power away we must also be aware of the opposite side, which is standing in our power but being aggressive. Being aggressive is a form of fear, and the remedy is to let our inner balance come back into play.
As we build a relationship with our power, and follow it, we begin to see that we don’t always have to do what we’re being asked to do by others, and we don’t have to jump on every trend. All we have to do is have the confidence to listen to our own voice and let it guide us as we make our own decisions in life and remember the necessity for balance.
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/13598.html
One of the hardest decisions we ever make in life is leaving a long-term relationship that just isn’t working. When attempts at repairing and working out issues aren’t working, it may be time to examine moving on. We are emotional creatures, and when our heartstrings are tied to those of another, separating from that person can feel like an act of courage. It is not something most of us will take lightly, and many of us will struggle with our desire to stay in a relationship that is unfulfilling simply in order to avoid that pain. We may question whether the happiness we seek even exists, and we may wonder if we might be wiser to simply settle where we are, making the best of what we have.
On the one hand, we almost relish the idea that true happiness is not out there so that we can avoid the pain of change. On the other hand, we feel within ourselves a yearning to fulfill our desire for relationships that are vital and healing. Ultimately, most of us will follow this call, because deep within ourselves we know that we deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy, no matter where we find ourselves in this moment, and we are all justified in moving, like plants toward the light, in the direction that leads to our greatest fulfillment. First, though, we may need to summon the courage to move on from the relationship that appears to be holding us back.
Taking the first steps will be hard, but the happiness we find when we have freed ourselves from a situation that is draining our energy will outshine any hardship we undergo to get there. Keeping our eyes trained on the horizon, we begin the work of disentangling ourselves from the relationship that no longer fits. Every step brings us closer to a relationship that will work, and the freedom we need to find the happiness we deserve.
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/13600.html
Living For Ourselves - April 29, 2008 - 01:05 AM