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    Flawed & Impatient=Human=Never give up
    Spiritual Mood: Resigned
    Status: So many issues in my home right now living w/an active addict.

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    I have so many books on my bookshelf that are supposed to be "SELF HELP" books, I have skimmed through all of them. I have yet to read with the voracity I read one of my Twilight or similary themed books Maybe I should, Maybe I shouldn't. I often wonder how I would apply any lessons learned from these "SH" books to my own life. My own life, a life filled with many, many issues. My own mental illness that often prevents me from leaving my own home or living the life I have often daydreamed about... Now I must live with my significant others brother whos been here for over 5 years w/us and has not been able to string together any real clean time in the same amount of time he has been here. I put up with his extremely selfish & incredibly slovenly behavior because I felt bad for him, I too was once an addict (still am but am not using), I liked him/considered him a "brother" of sorts, etc. I can only take so much. I am considered a Saint by many who cannot believe I did not blow my top any sooner. Almost 2 weeks ago I finally blew my top when he dared to complain about washing a few dishes when I have been cleaning every single thing for 5+years without him once lifting a finger. am struggling to not be a nasty, cruel person to him. I know how bad crack can make someone, I know how it totally alters who you are & drugs make you selfish & if you're already selfish to begin with it makes you doubly selfish. I try so hard to understand but my patience & sympathy is wearing thinner than thin. How am I supposed to put up with the lunacy when it directly affects me? I can only white knuckle it so long, bite tonge so long, clean up after his messes & look the other way so long. Anything that stresses me out to the point I am literally shaking like a leaf is not fair or cool. My sig other is supposed to be on my side & supporting me yet he is kissing his brothers ass because he needs his weekly check to pay the bills so he rationalizes the behavior away & acts as if he (the brother) needn't be concerned with my anger & issues with his behavior because I am overreacting? a bitch? PMS'ing? I can only imagine what my Sig Other tells his brother when I am out of hearing shot! This IS my home dammit & if all you ever do is complain & never roll up your sleeves & pitch in to make problems better IMHO you're a part of the problem too. Now that he knows I am no longer "supporting" his BS or falling for his phony nice act to me & that I will smash to bits any contraband I find in my home he wants a lock on his door! On his door?! He has NADA I want. My Sig Other has all kinds of $$ from rent collections in the safe, I have prescribed drugs a w/street value & he wants to protect his used crackpipes from my foot stomping them into shards!? I have made it crystal clear a flimsy door lock will NOT stop me if there is illegal activity in my home.

    August 22, 2010
    3:43 PM
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