I feel rather encouraged to "blog" as it were here, as I don't think my journal entries get much attention (so I can really speak my mind).  

I'm just wondering...

When do broken hearts heal?

do they ever?

I'm going to be self indulgant for a minute and blog (brag?) about my kids... Though I don't feel too bad cause I'm not expecting anyone to see this.  Heh heh heh...

Ok, let's see...the twins just turned 9 and they're still so filled of pure awe and wonder and absolutey mystified curiousity at the world around them.  Today one of them said to me, "How come teenagers don't play?" when I asked her what she meant she said, "I always see teenagers just hanging around chatting and stuff.  When I'm a teenager I think I'll still be playing on the playground, not just standing around chatting."  I asked her what she thought they were "chatting" about and she said, "cell phones."  Meanwhile, her twin sister was off on the other side of the room playing with an eraser, a top, a whistle, and a pencil, giving each one a different character and acting out different scenes with them.

And the baby... She's just blossoming into such a wonderous and funny! being!  She's begun referring to daddy as "hat" (probably because he's rarely seen without his red sox hat on) and she's taken to being quite the shoe bully.  She follows me around with my shoes and throws them at me, shrieking and pointing first at the shoe, then at my barefeet.  When I put them on she giggles with delight and walks away.  "Ball" is "boach" always said in a reverent whisper, "balloon" is "pfff", dropping anything, or thinking about dropping anything necessitates an exaggerated "uh oh!" being said, just to name a few of her latest quirks.

I look at them, and I feel like the luckiest person in the world.  It is such and honor and a privalege to be their mom.

Ok... I recently learned that most dreams only last about 2-3 seconds....

This has had a profound effect on me.... 

When I remember my dreams... when I recount them... they seem to have lasted incredibly long... a lifetime sometimes....

So I'm thinking... what happens is, you see all these images in a flash... like firing the universe into your brain with a shotgun... and then, you remember it in sequential order....

And I think maybe that's how God sees life on earth....

And I also think that maybe that's what the afterlife is.... It's the last seconds of our life... extended...

Anyway, this caught my attention... and made me wonder...

so I thought I'd share.

:-)

One more little story about man's search for meaning...

Once upon a time, there was a young man... perhaps he is the same man from the other story, perhaps not, who wanted to understand the "big" questions... What is the meaning of life?  Why am I here?  And how much wood does a woodchuck chuck?  Things like that...

He decided to visit the wisest man in the village who lived, as all wise men seem to do, at the top of a very tall mountain.

So, he started to climb the mountain.

It was a very difficult climb, as the mountain was extremely rocky and steep.  Keeping his balance took his full and complete concentration.  Finally he reached the top, tired, sweaty and sore.

He found the wise man in a state of meditation.  Not wanting to disturb him, he stood before him, quietly waiting.  Eventually the wise man opened his eyes and looked at the young man. 

"You have come seeking answers."  The wise man said.

"Yes" said the young man

"Did you enjoy your climb up here?"

The young man stared blankly at the old man for a few moments.

"I don't know" He said, "I wasn't thinking about my feelings...I was just concentrating on climbing."

The wise old man told the young man to bend his knees and to stand in a crouched position with his hands raised up to the sky.  "Stay like this all day, until the sun reaches the peak of that mountain" he said, pointing to a mountain across the way

The man got into the crouched position and raised his hands in the air as shown... Immediately his knees started to shake.  His legs, already sore from climbing the mountain, began to tremble.  He started to sweat.  "I cannot do this" he thought, "I'm going to fall"

But he concentrated with all of his might and he called up every single reserve of strength and energy that he had in his body... And he managed to remain in that position until the sun reached the peak of the other mountain.

Finally, exhausted, he collapsed onto the ground.

And in a flash, the answers... all of them... came rushing into his head... He laughed so much and so hard that his stomach ached and tears fell from his eyes.

"I get it." He said, his voice overcome with emotion.  "I understand."

He got up and his legs buckled from underneath him, "but my legs still hurt."

"Exactly" said the wise man.

So... take what you will from that... if there's anything for you in it.

Next time I'll try not to be so cryptic... but that might require me getting more sleep first.  :-)

Well, I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be awake.... I've always loved the idea of "being here now"... of being fully in each and every moment I find myself in...and not worrying about the past or the future... how many times have I longed to make myself like water.  Well, too many to count...

But I think one of the best ways to "be awake" and by this, I mean being completely present in each moment is to pay full attention to the simple things...I think maybe it's not so much about going deeper as it is about staying with the now... for example... spend a few minutes looking at a leaf... notice the obvious.  Really pay attention to it.

Anyway, these are the thoughts that have been circling my head lately.

Ok, so I've been thinking a lot about "gratitude" lately... Perhaps it's the fall weather, the changing of the leaves, that brings up these thoughts in me...

As I was walking with my baby girl yesterday, I found myself caught up in the spinning spiral of thoughts chasing one another round and round in my head... when I saw a leaf, a beautiful orange leaf, slowly falling from a tree.  And as it fell, it spiraled, danced really, in the air.  It was one of the most beautiful and spectacular sights I have ever seen.  And I had one of those "sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, my heart can't take it" (from American Beauty) moments.

And it just sank in, again, and for the first time, that...

I am so very very lucky to be here.

I think I forget that sometimes.. too often.

Life is so precious.

I need to remember that.

I think too often I'm looking behind... or ahead...

But not where I am now.

The present.

It really is a present.  Such a tremendous gift.

:-)