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    WELCOME

    Friday, April 10, 2009, 5:44 PM [General]

    Thank you for stopping by, This is my story, while I am searching for help  myself.      My hope is that along the way maybe I can help someone els

    My story part 1,

    I was born in October of 1963 during my mom and dads second time being married to each other. Sometime in 1965  my mother developed a brain anurism which ruptured.

    That is when it all began! (There are parts to the story that are based on hear say because I was so young I have no memory of my mother when she was well, only sick which I'm sure is part of my problem) One day I was a happy little toddler with no worries and the next somthing was missing MY MOM! One day she's there and the next she's gone  From what I understand my mother was in a hospital for a couple of years. I don't know! Well it was 1965 and technology just hadn't caught up to this kind of medical condition as you might immagine. I've been told right after she went to the hospital she had like 20 something strokes, I do know they had to drill holes into her skull to relieve the pressure and that damaged her frontal lobes causing brain damage. As you might immagine she wasn't expected to live, However she did, for more than 35 years. you might say praise  God, but thats not the end of the story. I had a full blooded sister two years older than me, two half brothers from my moms side, a half sister and brother from my dads side. I have never realy known any of them as the story goes on I think you'll understand why. (with the exception of my sister) My dad brought mom home eventualy, built an add on to the house to accomodate her. He tried to take care of her and raise me and my sister at the same time (ages 2 & 4), My two half brothers on my moms side lived in the house still but I have no memory of it. They were several years older (I think one was about 11 & the other 13) I've been told that mom stayed at the house for several years, Once again I have no memory of it. according to what I've been told my oldest brother would watch after me and my sister during the early years while she was in the hospital so dad could go to work then come home briefly and then go stay at the hospital with mom. Once she came home they worked it out some how but I'm not sure exactly, I know my oldest brother was very helpful to my dad for  sometime. Eventualy my dad told my oldest brother that he needed to get on with life and so he joined the army. So, First I was abandond by my mother (not intentionaly of course) Then by my brother (once again no fault of his own), I was young I didn't understand, once again one day he was there and the next he was gone. We (my sister and I plus my mom and I think the younger of my two brothers) had a lady that dad had hired to be our baby sitter and my mothers care giver so he could work. Understand my mom had brain damage and also as a result of the strokes became paralized on her left side so she was confined to a wheel chair and was totaly dependant on others to do everything for her. (I mean everything) From what I understand our care giver was being paid by social security. Eventualy my other brother got married. I can remember one real moment about that time of my life and that was my brothers wife teaching me and my sister to dance to Elvis in our front living room. When I try to remember mom living in the house all I can see in my mind is BLACKNESS absolutly nothing. But I know she was there. One day my brothers wife had this great idea (Yea right) to set my dad and a friend of hers mom up on a blind date. (Why my brother went along with that to this day I don't know!!!!) The next thing I know this strange woman was moving into my house with her son and two daughters. Yes my mother was still living in the house, Then before I know it my brother and his wife were divorced and ONCE AGAIN I was abandond, My brother the one I looked up to the one I idolized had joined the navy and again, one day he's there the next he's not. By now some serious damage was taking place in my little mind. So for a while this woman lived in my moms home wore her close (so I'm told )and was sleeping in her mans bed. All the time my mom was in the living area my dad had built for her. Well as a little time went on I'm told my mom was well aware of what was going on, she might of been in a wheel chair, she even talked a little funny but her brain was working a little better than they gave her credit for. Every time this lady would get within arms reach (the one that worked) my mom would go balistic, grabbing ahold of her calling her every name in the book. My mom was fighting the best she could for her family. Well this lady was able to convince my dad to divorce my mom and put her into a nursing home. The story I got was it was at the advise of his shrink.( I realy don't know and honostly I don't think it matters)Don't be angry with my dad I love that man(God rest his soul) I believe he was caught at a very vulnerable time in his life. He tried to do what he thought was best for me and my sister. I know he never stopped loving my mom. I just know! Well as you could imagine this move didn't go over real well with a lot of people. My oldest brother was furious and when he found out that my other brother was at the heart of the situation their relationship ended immediatly. Me and my sister were kept away from my mom we were taken to see her only once that I remember(by my dad) and yes I rember that. I remember balling my eyes out when we were forced to go home. I just didn't understand. I guess thats when dad decided with a little help from my new STEP MOM to keep me and my sister away from the nursing home. so from that point on we were never taken to see her again by my dad. over the course of my life I might have been taken there about 5 or 6 times mostly by my oldest brother when he would come home on leave. I tried to go see her when I grew up but by this time the damage was done to me she was already dead. I guess it was some sort of self defence mechanism. I don't know. My step mom was a bit mentaly abusive to me and my sister. She treated us as second class compared to her son.(by the way her daughters moved out real soon after moving in they went to live with their grandparents from what I've been told they saw the wrong that was taking place and couldn't deal with it) Boy I wish I could have just packed up and left like everyone else but I was just a child and had no choice in the matter. so I grew up went rebelious for a while dropped out of high school so on and so on. I finaly got married in 1985 had three girls of my own and raised my wife's son who was only three months old when we got married. Life has been a total wreck for me mentaly I have never fully healed I know. It has affected my marriage, my work my being a father just about everything possible it has damaged in some way. My dad passed away on October 22 1992 Guess what thats my birthday, so HAPPY FREAKIN BIRTHDAY. once again here one day gone the next. actualy theres more, can you believe it. My step mom who treated me like a black sheep (at least in my eyes) became ill about 14 years aftrer dad passed. Her kids had all abandoned her, I had tried to honor my dads last wishes to me and take care of her you know mow the lawn help out that sort of thing even though she had done so much wrong to me (theres a lot I just didn't get into due to my emotions right now) I was doing it out of compassion, you know love thy enemies and to honor my dad. But she always even to the bitter end thought I was out to take something from her and never could treat me with any dignity, or understand the pain I had suffered. Oh no she did nothing wrong. Then she became ill it got to the point that she could no longer take care of herself. I could have done to her what she did to my mom and just put her away, But because for some reason I can't just turn my back on people my wife and I took care of her for a total of three years on two different occasions, we moved into my child hood home (The one my dad had purchaced for my mom to raise me and my sister in and she ended up with and tried to give it to her son)and did everything for her, the way my dad did for my mom until finaly I had to make a choice and she got so bad we did finaly put her in a home. SO now here I am all screwed up, totaly confused, depressed, my marriage is not good, I'm unemployed due to a recent lay off, no relatives to speak of (except my sister who is just as screwed up) My daughters and three grandchildren are all thats keeping me going right now. LIFE JUST PLAIN HURTS you know!!!!!

    The good lord never said it would be easy, IT"S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

    Well thats a little of my story in a nut shell,

    Theres more details but you get the picture.

    I'm not a writer, if I was this would probably make a good book. (lol)

    If anybody wants to talk I'm here,

    I could sure use a friend!!!

    I have none,

    Over the years, I guess I've pushed them all away. I wouldn't want to be around me either.

    Thanks for listening,

    Brian

    3.7 (1 Ratings)

    My poem

    Friday, April 10, 2009, 5:27 PM [General]

    This is a poem I wrote myself a few years ago

     I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!

     

    MY TEACHER

     Oh Lord, will you please be my teacher?

     Will you help me to understand?

     I pray you will give me knowledge, also a helping hand.

     My life it has been so confusing;

     It has been full of suffering and pain.

     Forgive me for being so selfish.

     I know others must feel the same.

     I met you when I was a child;

     at the time I wasn't real sure.

     But now Lord, I know more than ever

     you are the only true cure.

     The pain, Now I know is so minor;

     in fact it can't even compare, to the

     day upon that cross oh Lord, and

     the suffering that you had to bare.

     Please forgive me for being so weak

     and take me by the hand, and if

     it be your will oh Lord, I will find the

     promised land.

     

     by

     Brian N. Floyd

    0 (0 Ratings)

    You have to listen to this song

    Thursday, April 2, 2009, 9:14 PM [General]

    This ia a song sent to me by the only friend I have so far on my site

    3.7 (1 Ratings)

    WELCOME

    Wednesday, April 1, 2009, 4:06 PM [General]

    My story,

    I was born in October of 1963 during my mom and dads second time being married to each other. Sometime in 1965  my mother developed a brain anurism which ruptured.

    That is when it all began! (There are parts to the story that are based on hear say because I was so young I have no memory of my mother when she was well, only sick which I'm sure is part of my problem) One day I was a happy little toddler with no worries and the next somthing was missing MY MOM! One day she's there and the next she's gone  From what I understand my mother was in a hospital for a couple of years. I don't know! Well it was 1965 and technology just hadn't caught up to this kind of medical condition as you might immagine. I've been told right after she went to the hospital she had like 20 something strokes, I do know they had to drill holes into her skull to relieve the pressure and that damaged her frontal lobes causing brain damage. As you might immagine she wasn't expected to live, However she did, for more than 35 years. you might say praise  God, but thats not the end of the story. I had a full blooded sister two years older than me, two half brothers from my moms side, a half sister and brother from my dads side. I have never realy known any of them as the story goes on I think you'll understand why. (with the exception of my sister) My dad brought mom home eventualy, built an add on to the house to accomodate her. He tried to take care of her and raise me and my sister at the same time (ages 2 & 4), My two half brothers on my moms side lived in the house still but I have no memory of it. They were several years older (I think one was about 11 & the other 13) I've been told that mom stayed at the house for several years, Once again I have no memory of it. according to what I've been told my oldest brother would watch after me and my sister during the early years while she was in the hospital so dad could go to work then come home briefly and then go stay at the hospital with mom. Once she came home they worked it out some how but I'm not sure exactly, I know my oldest brother was very helpful to my dad for  sometime. Eventualy my dad told my oldest brother that he needed to get on with life and so he joined the army. So, First I was abandond by my mother (not intentionaly of course) Then by my brother (once again no fault of his own), I was young I didn't understand, once again one day he was there and the next he was gone. We (my sister and I plus my mom and I think the younger of my two brothers) had a lady that dad had hired to be our baby sitter and my mothers care giver so he could work. Understand my mom had brain damage and also as a result of the strokes became paralized on her left side so she was confined to a wheel chair and was totaly dependant on others to do everything for her. (I mean everything) From what I understand our care giver was being paid by social security. Eventualy my other brother got married. I can remember one real moment about that time of my life and that was my brothers wife teaching me and my sister to dance to Elvis in our front living room. When I try to remember mom living in the house all I can see in my mind is BLACKNESS absolutly nothing. But I know she was there. One day my brothers wife had this great idea (Yea right) to set my dad and a friend of hers mom up on a blind date. (Why my brother went along with that to this day I don't know!!!!) The next thing I know this strange woman was moving into my house with her son and two daughters. Yes my mother was still living in the house, Then before I know it my brother and his wife were divorced and ONCE AGAIN I was abandond, My brother the one I looked up to the one I idolized had joined the navy and again, one day he's there the next he's not. By now some serious damage was taking place in my little mind. So for a while this woman lived in my moms home wore her close (so I'm told )and was sleeping in her mans bed. All the time my mom was in the living area my dad had built for her. Well as a little time went on I'm told my mom was well aware of what was going on, she might of been in a wheel chair, she even talked a little funny but her brain was working a little better than they gave her credit for. Every time this lady would get within arms reach (the one that worked) my mom would go balistic, grabbing ahold of her calling her every name in the book. My mom was fighting the best she could for her family. Well this lady was able to convince my dad to divorce my mom and put her into a nursing home. The story I got was it was at the advise of his shrink.( I realy don't know and honostly I don't think it matters)Don't be angry with my dad I love that man(God rest his soul) I believe he was caught at a very vulnerable time in his life. He tried to do what he thought was best for me and my sister. I know he never stopped loving my mom. I just know! Well as you could imagine this move didn't go over real well with a lot of people. My oldest brother was furious and when he found out that my other brother was at the heart of the situation their relationship ended immediatly. Me and my sister were kept away from my mom we were taken to see her only once that I remember(by my dad) and yes I rember that. I remember balling my eyes out when we were forced to go home. I just didn't understand. I guess thats when dad decided with a little help from my new STEP MOM to keep me and my sister away from the nursing home. so from that point on we were never taken to see her again by my dad. over the course of my life I might have been taken there about 5 or 6 times mostly by my oldest brother when he would come home on leave. I tried to go see her when I grew up but by this time the damage was done to me she was already dead. I guess it was some sort of self defence mechanism. I don't know. My step mom was a bit mentaly abusive to me and my sister. She treated us as second class compared to her son.(by the way her daughters moved out real soon after moving in they went to live with their grandparents from what I've been told they saw the wrong that was taking place and couldn't deal with it) Boy I wish I could have just packed up and left like everyone else but I was just a child and had no choice in the matter. so I grew up went rebelious for a while dropped out of high school so on and so on. I finaly got married in 1985 had three girls of my own and raised my wife's son who was only three months old when we got married. Life has been a total wreck for me mentaly I have never fully healed I know. It has affected my marriage, my work my being a father just about everything possible it has damaged in some way. My dad passed away on October 22 1992 Guess what thats my birthday, so HAPPY FREAKIN BIRTHDAY. once again here one day gone the next. actualy theres more, can you believe it. My step mom who treated me like a black sheep (at least in my eyes) became ill about 14 years aftrer dad passed. Her kids had all abandoned her, I had tried to honor my dads last wishes to me and take care of her you know mow the lawn help out that sort of thing even though she had done so much wrong to me (theres a lot I just didn't get into due to my emotions right now) I was doing it out of compassion, you know love thy enemies and to honor my dad. But she always even to the bitter end thought I was out to take something from her and never could treat me with any dignity, or understand the pain I had suffered. Oh no she did nothing wrong. Then she became ill it got to the point that she could no longer take care of herself. I could have done to her what she did to my mom and just put her away, But because for some reason I can't just turn my back on people my wife and I took care of her for a total of three years on two different occasions, we moved into my child hood home (The one my dad had purchaced for my mom to raise me and my sister in and she ended up with and tried to give it to her son)and did everything for her, the way my dad did for my mom until finaly I had to make a choice and she got so bad we did finaly put her in a home. SO now here I am all screwed up, totaly confused, depressed, my marriage is not good, I'm unemployed due to a recent lay off, no relatives to speak of (except my sister who is just as screwed up) My daughters and three grandchildren are all thats keeping me going right now. LIFE JUST PLAIN HURTS you know!!!!!

    The good lord never said it would be easy, IT"S NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

    Well thats a little of my story in a nut shell,

    Theres more details but you get the picture.

    I'm not a writer, if I was this would probably make a good book. (lol)

    If anybody wants to talk I'm here,

    I could sure use a friend!!!

    I have none,

    Over the years, I guess I've pushed them all away. I wouldn't want to be around me either.

    Thanks for listening,

    Brian

    0 (0 Ratings)

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