As my bio says, I am married.  I have 4 children, a daughter, Susan, age 40, twin sons, Steven and Sean, age 38, and another son, Zachary (Zach) who is 28.  I have Grandchildren whom are the light of my life.  My husband, now retired, was disabled, but prior to that he worked in the Sugar Factory as a Sugar Boiler.  I was the bread winner of the family, and the nurse.  I have always been a nurse.  I took care of everything and everyone, from a very tender age.  That has been my role in life and now I can't hardly take care of myself.

On December 5, 2007, I went through a life changing event.  I had a heart attack, triple bypass surgery, a brain trauma of some sort that left me unresponsive for the better part of a week.  I thought I was on my way to recovery when a month later, 2 of the bypasses failed.  The doctors got one back to 50% by placing a stent, and "the other one you didn't need." from the doctors. 

Two things I haven't told is that (1) I didn't have any health insurance and (2) while I was going through my brain event, people kept trying to send me to hell.  I journaled my memory's from the event, and I would like to pass it on to others.

I have been struggling every since then with the devil.  I can't seem to get my or my families life back on track.  We just seem to be carrying targets that say 'take a shot, everyone else has.'  One of my doctors and best friend told me the other day, 'if it wasn't for bad luck, you'd have no luck at all.'  I don't think luck has anything to do with it, I am being tested and tempered. 

People keep encouraging me with the phrase, "God won't give you more than you can handle," I did complain the other day in my prayers, that He must think me much stronger than I really am, because the load was getting to heavy to bear.  I prayed for forgiveness, because I had been given an article to read that said one reason prayers are not answered is because of hidden sin.  I have prayed and prayed.  I asked God to show me a path, because I was in Hell after my surgery, and I don't want to go back there ever, but I feel like I'm still there.  Could something be pulling me back from that time.  I have searched my heart, soul and mind, and I can't come up with any answers.  Maybe someone will read my memiors and find an answer.

I awoke, after a very restless night, at my usual time. I started getting ready to go to work, but something was off. I had, what I thought, was severe epigastric distress. I took some Pepto-Bismol, and some Zantac, and of course, since I hadn’t quit smoking yet, a couple of cigarettes. I had been up and down during the night, I just couldn’t settle. Finally, I broke down and told my son, Zach, that I needed to go to the emergency room. He got his dad and they got me in the car. I remember I was in my nightgown and robe and my bedroom slippers.

When we got to the ER, they took me into the monitoring unit, and started checking me. They told me that they thought I was having a heart attack and wanted to do a heart catheterization to check my heart. I had told Sean, the youngest of my twin boys, "Tell them to keep me comfortable and just to let me die. We can’t afford the expense of a heart attack." I didn’t realize at the time the position I was placing my son in. Never place that type of burden on anyone Write it down and give it to someone who can share it with the doctors, but don't place that burden on a young adult. Sean came in and talked to me, "Mom, just let them do what they have to do, and don’t worry about the cost." He couldn’t put a price on my life, and he didn’t want me to either.

Well about a half a million dollars later, we still can’t afford a heart attack. I need to clarify: one heart attack; followed by Triple by-pass surgery; followed by brain trauma from an overdose of medication or a reaction to medication; followed, a month later by the collapse of two of the bypasses, and a failed attempt to get them working,. They did get 50% back in one by placing a stint, "the other one was probably not necessary." (This from one of the doctors).

That was life changing, Right? How many people can say they made a half a million dollars in just over 30 days. It doesn’t necessarily have to be for yourself, right? But, let me get back to how my life was changed.

After Sean talked to me in the emergency room, I remember talking to the doctor about what they proposed to do if the heart catheterization showed damage. I do remember telling the doctor when something was said about sending me to Colorado, that I wanted to go by land, and not by helicopter. The helicopter was very expensive, and I didn’t like being in it. I had had one helicopter flight before, and it lasted 55minutes longer than I thought it should have. He said that that decision would have to be made after the catheterization was completed.

What transpired after this is pretty much a blank, other than I recalled some time after I was out of the hospital, that Pastor Adams visited me in the hospital. I thought I could remember him praying with me or for me at the hospital. This had to be in the hospital at Scottsbluff, before they sent me to Colorado. I asked George, my husband, if John had seen me in the hospital, and he said "Yes. He spent about an hour with you."

As to getting to the hospital in Colorado, the surgery, or most of my recovery, I don’t recall much, only bits and pieces, and snip-its, of things that happened to me, when I ‘Flaked out.’, as my kids refer to what happened after my by-pass surgery.

I said, that I had had some sort of brain trauma. My kids tell me I flaked out on them, and wouldn’t talk to anyone. Well, I’m here to tell you, that if you were being treated, like I was being treated in my psychotic state at the time, you wouldn’t talk to anyone either. Val, the bookkeeper from my job, said that when she came to see me when I was in, whatever state I was in, "It was so scary because you were so blank. You would watch me but would not respond whatsoever."

As I said, I remember bits and pieces of what transpired, during that time period. I remember my old ADON, Liz, who passed away 4 years ago, was there at the hospital. She was setting up an action to take my sister, Thelma and my, nursing license’s away. Thelma works in a nursing home in Alliance, NE, called ‘Good Sam’s". However, during my episode, she was working at the hospital were I was at, in fact she was in the room with me from time, to time. She didn’t really take care of me, but she was there. Usually near the corner, by the sink where they washed their hands.

I don’t really remember any one who "took care of me," except one male nurse, who I thought was Sean. I will tell his story later on. As I said, I don’t really remember those that took care of me, I just remember things happening around or to me. Well, that’s not true. There is one night I remember.

One of the nurses’ came in and said, "I want you to meet, (she said some name). She is from telemetry, but I think she will work out. What’s her name, the aide, has worked here for a long time, and can help her through anything that comes up." Now why the nurse was giving me, the patient, this information, I really don’t know. (But that is what I remember). Well things kept going wrong for the ‘nurse from telemetry’, and ‘the experienced aide’ really wasn’t much help. I tried to help, but I never liked ICU or CCU or any type or acute specialized nursing, so my help was limited to general nursing duties, and advising the ‘nurse’ to ask the ‘experienced aide.’ As I recall, sometime during the night, something happened, and the Supervisor, took the ‘telemetry nurse’ aside and gave her a dressing down for something. The ‘experienced aide’ just hung in the background and didn’t do much to help the situation, which is what she had been doing all night. Anyway, the ‘telemetry nurse’ came back into the room, you could see she had been crying, and apologized for not taking care of me properly. I think that was the morning I got things screwed up about when my daughter was coming down.

I thought she was at the hospital because she was released from jail to visit me. The hospital staff had apparently been instructed by the Judge in Montana, to test her urine for drugs and alcohol, when she got to the hospital. Remember, this is happening in my psychotic mind. I could hear her talking to security and saying that she had not been drinking and had definitely not taken any drugs. She was crying and upset, and they, security, was holding her in a room. When I overheard the conversation, I called out, and asked Susan, if Jacob, her son, my grandson, had come with them after all. She said, ‘Yes." I told the staff to question Jacob about giving drugs to his mom. Eventually he confessed, because I heard security talking to Jacob. Susan wanted to know how I knew that Jacob was involved. I then had to tell her about a dream my mother had had involving Susan taking a trip, and when her baggage was checked, the security people found drugs and alcohol in her bag, planted there by Jacob.

I talked to Susan later that day and she tried to straighten me out about when Mark (her ex-husband) and her would be down. Of course, I expressed some concerns and questioned her about Jacob, and when she asked about my concerns, I had to tell her about Mom’s dream. Mom later called and asked why I ‘Let the cat out of the bag about her dream.’

There was another incident that involved Susan. I received a phone call from her, but it was more like a video. She was telling me about her son, and how she had to stay in jail, because she was sending him to computer school. Once he got his degree he was going to take care of everything. She kept asking me to say something over the phone. After she had told me to say it several times, I finally said it, and she started screaming, "I’m free, repeating it over and over again. Then the picture went to her son, who was actually the son of a man she had been married too. Him and Susan were at a computer and he was putting in this program that he had designed that made people he didn’t like disappear from the face of the earth. As I watched he started entering names, I bet you can’t guess whose name he put in first. Yeap! Right in one. Mine.

There are two other instances when I remember something happening between me and the hospital staff:

I remember tapping on the siderail with my fingernail, until I got George (my husband)’s attention. I kept trying to reach my ear, because it itched, but every time I would try to reach across, someone would put my hand down and tell me ‘Not to pull on the tubes. ' Finally I got George’s attention, and got him to understand that my ear itched and hurt. So they rubbed it and it felt good.

The other time I remember is after they, (the hospital staff, the lady from the credit bureau and the Mayor from Bayard, NE., the little town where the nursing home I worked at is located, had had me sent to prison; executed my husband; and sent us, my husband and myself, to ‘HELL’! Some people entered the room, one was a nurse, her name was Heather, and she looked a little like my niece, Heather. The spokesman of the group asked me if I believed in God, and I told them ‘Yes." He, wanted to know what religion I was and before I could answer, I got a phone call from my brother-in-law, who wanted to talk to the man. I heard him tell the man, that I was not religious. I said I read the Bible, and at that time Liz walked in with Becky Hohnstein, they had a bible and they dropped it on the bedside table. "If this is the Bible she says she’s been reading, this will prove she lying and should go to hell." Actually by this time I realized I wasn’t really in a hospital, but in a prison. Everyone prepared to leave. They took my husband into this room, which after I regained my lucidity, I realized was the bath room, and they moved the bedside table up in from of me, I was sitting in the chair, and the nurse said, ‘you can leave this to me.’ As the rest of the group left, she smiled, revealing vampire teeth, then she said, ‘get ready, it’s going to get awfully hot in here,’ turned something and then began to laugh maniacally.

I want to stop here to clarify some things. Lloyd Steele is the mayor of Bayard, Nebraska, where Chimney Rock Villa, the nursing home I worked at the time of my heart attack is located. I had met Lloyd a few times, in fact he was the Administrator of the nursing home at the time I was hired, about 12 years ago. He retired shortly after I began to work there. Now as far as I know, Lloyd and I had never had any problems, but he was instrumental in part in getting my husband executed, "because I didn’t like the S—O- B------ when he worked at the Sugar Factory." (When I told George about this, he said, he hardly knew Lloyd, only of him when he was administrator at the nursing home, when his parents were in there.)

As for why Lloyd had me put in prison, it had something to do with his Granddaughter, Heather (whether this is her real name or not). I remember I had worked with his Granddaughter when she was employed at the nursing home, and I believe she had applied for a job recently at the nursing home. I can’t recall the specifics of the allegations he lodged, but that was why I was in prison instead of a hospital, although it was like a hospital.

Now about Becky. She a very good friend, I have worked with her on and off, since I started to work at the Villa, and she is a very good photographer. Her picture of Chimney Rock, near Bayard, was used for the illustration on the Nebraska state quarter. One of her photographs was placed in the Governor’s Mansion or in the State Capital, I am not sure which, and she was honored for this. Apparently in my delusional, psychotic state, I was back in Bayard, but no one knew it was Bayard, because Chimney Rock had collapsed. The citizens got together and decided that they would blow up Becky’s picture of Chimney Rock, and place it outside Bayard so they would have their landmark back.

I was in Bayard after they had placed the picture with a helicopter. I was telling my son Zach that he could find Bayard by looking for a hugh picture of Chimney Rock. Why I was in Bayard, Why Zachary was trying to pick me up and why he didn’t know how to get to Bayard without being able to see Chimney Rock I don’t know, but that’s the way I remember it.

What follows now, is my recollections of how George came to be executed. As I recall, the lady from the credit union in Scottsbluff, Val, brought some papers over for my husband to sign. I can remember her saying, "it’s going to be way more than one hundred thousand dollars, so just sign the policy over." Later on she made a remark like, " we will give you time to get things settled up, before we take further action.." At the time it didn’t make sense, but later on my husband came in with a duffel bag. In it was a change of clothes. When I asked him what they were for he said that was the clothes that he had picked out to be buried in, after they killed him. (Pretty scary, huh? It gets worse.)

Are you starting to get an idea of why I didn’t want to talk to anyone. There were bites and snatches, about things with my former DON, Vickie. When I asked George if Vickie knew they were going to kill him, he said ‘Yes, she is one of them behind it.’ (Now Vickie is the sweetest, most loving, caring person I know; besides me and my sister.) But this is what I was told. Vickie also had something to do with two other issues I had to deal with in my FLACKY TIME.

One had to do with a glucometer. That is a machine that diabetics use to check their blood sugar. Anyway somehow one of Vickie’s children who had been born dead was in the future with me, or one of my children, I’m a little foggy on that, but I think it was one of my children. Anyway, they, Vickie and her family, wanted the child home by Christmas. To get him home, someone had to take his place, meaning me or my child. The glucometer was the way he would get back, and his dad had taught him how to program the glucometer while he was in the womb, so that when the time came he could use it to get back to them. Weird, huh?

The second one kind of goes along with my ADON trying to take my nursing license away. Vickie was telling someone, that "they" had filed against their, Vickie and Greg’s house deed, to get money. "WE" thought we had them, after I (Vickie) found that (? What ever that was) in her, (meaning me) desk at work. I never would have found it if I hadn’t programmed her phone that day. It showed up just perfect in the drawer. She had it hidden under the New Testament in the desk draw. The real give away, was when she didn’t know anything about the safe."

Now I have no idea what this was about in myth or reality, other than a few of the things play into some of the other FLAKY episodes I had. However it played out, Vickie had proposed legislation, that prohibited any nurse in the world from reinstating her license, if she had been accused of child abuse. Now the child abuse, I assume came into play with the first episode involving her child, because this is how Liz, my ADON was going to get Thelma and my license’s. One other thing that goes along with the phone and New testament, was the fact that I always parked in the back in the ‘handicapped area’, which I wasn’t, but the fact that I did, raised questions with Liz. When she investigated why I parked in the ‘handicapped’ area, she found ‘evidence’ that I was ‘not legitimate’. Whatever that meant, and this was part of the leverage she was using to get my nurses license.

Following the theme of the New Testament/Bible. I can recall one time, it was at night, because the room was pretty dark, the words on this Erase-a-board, kept moving. Someone kept asking me to read the board, but every time I would look at it, the letters would start moving, and the words made no sense. Finally, they formed the names of people from the Bible, and referenced a text. I believe it was a passage in Philippians, but I can’t remember for sure.

Somewhere in this whole episode, I had died, or was going to die, or maybe I was just going to be burned alive (this last option is what I think was the ‘reality’.) However it was after "they" had gassed George. I was sitting up in the chair. The television was on, and there were two separate things I remember about the programs. First there was an episode of MASH. Trapper John and Hawkeye had to find a replacement. While they were working on this, George was trying to get across this river in Vietnam, however he couldn’t get across the river, because there was a child missing. To balance ‘nature’, I had to make a decision to send one of the twins back in time to Vietnam, to take the place of this child. When I made my decision, someone screamed "NO, NO, I’m pregnant. If he goes, then I can’t have the baby because it will be like we never were." The scene switches to George following someone across this river. The someone I believe is the twin I had relinquished, a shot rings out, then it switches back to Trapper John and Hawkeye, and George has taken the place of the person they were looking for. So very weird.

Confusing enough? Well it gets better or worse, depending on your point of view. Next, I believe this was during the MASH episode, there was a commercial. It had started with "in 3 days" then "2 days" , then "tomorrow night" and then "later tonight." , a movie was going to be shown. It was like ‘Lord of the Rings, Return of the Kings" but it was different, because it was about these kids who had to travel in time, to defeat the devil, fight a war and safe the world. Again with the time travel, children, and saving something. Bet you can’t guess whose kids? Right in one. Mine. This time, our horse was involved and this calf we had about 20 years ago called, Bustermoo. Budgie, the horse, had a colt and her, the colt and Bustermoo were put into the movie, along with my children. They were part of the army. Their purpose was to be "cannon fodder" for the enemy. Like I said most of what I remember is scary. Everyone was Hell bent on killing off my family or taking them away from me in some way.

Speaking of Hell bent, I have already related the episode when they turned the HEAT UP. Other worrying snip-its I remember was this spring came out of a mountain and cascaded over some boulders and became a stream. The stream was washing away snow, and as I watched a school bus was washed down the mountain in the stream. The bus was headed toward the interstate, when it turned over. I watched through the window as rescue units converged on the bus, and began rescuing people. As I watched this, Liz came into the room and said, "No wonder they can’t hear you, their ears are full of coal." Now where did that come from?

One of the people they rescued was my son, Zach. He had been fighting a fire in the Grand Canyon, for real, but not in December, it would have been in August or early September. But in my delusional psychotic state, he had been at the fire, and became lost and the search had been abandoned. Somehow, he came to be on this bus with some other people, and when he found out I was in the hospital, he came off the mountain. Now don’t ask how he came to find out I was in the hospital, when he was lost and I assume presumed dead, because it wasn’t revealed to me. He heard, and when they pulled him from the bus, he began running towards the hospital. (To back up a little, when I became rational again, I could see the mountains in the distance, but there was no interstate within view.)

Back to Zach. He ran from the point of the accident to the hospital, and the next time I saw him he was sitting on the couch by my bed, telling his Dad, that he was taking Tyler, our grandson, away, because he didn’t want, this, to happen to him. He hugged his Dad, then stood up and walked towards the door. I asked George what was going on, and he told me to ‘Watch Zach.’ I watched him walk to the door, turn around and lean against it, and then he winked at me, like people do when they share a secret. I still can’t figure out what this signified.

As you can see, I experienced several unsettling episodes, and there were more. I kept referring to one of the male nurses as my son, Sean. He was sent into the room, to reprogram my family into the computer in the room, so that security would let them in. Only he wasn’t Sean, because Sean was dead, he was Steven pretending to be Sean, because they didn’t want me to know that Sean had been shot in the head at work, and died while I was in the hospital. Of course, none of this happened, but I believed it at the time.

When I finally came back from wherever I was, the doctors, nurses and my family, really kept an eye on me, to make sure I was in my ‘right mind..’ To say that I had worried them is an understatement. I know they even had me worried, because when Dr. Himes, the neurologist from Scottsbluff, came into the room and asked if I knew who he was, I was afraid to answer, because I didn’t want them to think I was Flaking Out Again!

Death, losing my children, other peoples lost children, people who I loved betraying me, people who I knew were dead coming back to persecute me, no wonder I would not communicate with anyone. I mean really, who could I trust. The people who I thought would help me, seemed hell bent on doing me and the members of my family in. I have no explanation for the things I thought were happening around me, but I do know even now almost 8 months after wards as I am writing this, some of it still comes back to me.

The purpose of this was to explain how my life was changed by the events that happened to me starting on December 5th. After all I had been through, with people threatening, then actively attempting to send my to hell, I made the decision, that no one would ever be able to question my loyalty to God again. I have dedicated myself to His service, and I hope my remaining time will reflect His work through me. Whatever happens I know that God will get me through. He did it before, and I didn’t even have to ask. He just did it because He wanted me to know he could.