Politics

    Monday, September 8, 2008, 11:44 AM [General]

    Can't stand it... have only cared about a very select few local races and even those race outcomes have proven to me that its the morons leading the blind and stupid.  Before ya start about if ya don't vote you can't complain... I beg to differ.  If you vote in the Idiot you should not be allowed EVER to condemn the man/woman/goldfish you voted in.  only those that did not vote the person should have any right to bitch whine and moan.

     

    Short little rant but hey... there ya go.

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    Sick

    Wednesday, July 30, 2008, 5:51 PM [General]

    Sick of feeling guilt for taking time formyself.  Sick of feeling guilt when I do something for myself.  Sick of feeling sick of it.

     

    Sick of being told "Oh I want to still be independent" but then in the same breath get accused of "Not taking care of them and helping them"

     

    SIck of being the worst person in the world because I can't magically add 40 more hours to a single day to get everything done that everybody needs from me.

     

    SOOOOO...

     

    I quit.  I walk away from all of that and promise myself to find a way to end the guilt and a "nice" way to tell them to get over it and if they ask for my help and advice to take it or QUIT ASKING!

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    Music based Ranting... Enjoy

    Thursday, July 17, 2008, 12:41 PM [General]

    Music induced ranting

    I sit here listening to Lennon's son The Brake of Your Car and I can't help but agree with one of the lines from the song and really it seems that She has articulated  quite well something I have always thought so here is the part of her song that sums it up pretty well.

    And I don't understand
    and I don't give a damn 'cause it's making no sense to me

    I don't understand alot of the "Expected Norms" of society. We scream bloody murder about human rights issues all over the world but we willingly hand over prefered trade agreements with a country that has opressed and slaughtered another country's people for 50 years.  The world turns a blind eye to the TIbet and China issue.  Personal opinion.  If they feel might makes right.  then show them there are bigger dogs on the block and best case senario. Use money to make them release Tibet.  Worst case senario.  GLASS THEM!! Blast them back to the stone age!  Now I know that goes against the peaceful approach of the Tibetan people and while I have the utmost respect for them after 50 years I think Peaceful should go out the window.

    I don't understand why Families can be wired so differently.  There are families out there that help each other no matter what and there are those that if you do one little thing they don't like and they turn on  you like a rabid dog or they turn their back on you.  Everyone wants to help themselves to improve.  Sometimes that may take a little outside help adn people sometimes take help like that better from family than a stranger.  DO some familiese care that charity begins at home and helping your family is not an unforgiveable sin... NO they don't.  I see it all the time in various friends and in various aspects of my own family but hey.  I really don't care any more like the song says I don't understand and I don't give a damn.

    Enough of my soap box

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    Distrust and Apathy

    Thursday, July 17, 2008, 12:39 PM [General]

    Distrust... Its easy to do.  Its hard to stop. Its a part of everyone like it or not.  Distrust of an impending medical report...  Distrust of a spouse...  Distrust of a friend... Distrust of family.  I feel there should always be a level of distrust about everything and if there is reasonable doubt everyone.  But thats just sick twisted psychotic me.

     

    Apathy  The lack of carying about anything.  Another easily done hard to stop fact of life.  Distrust can lead to apathy.  The distrust of a spouse can lead to an apathetic outlook on the marriage or desire to do anything.  The distrust of an impending medical report can lead to the apathetic outlook of pointless to do anything about it.  The distrust of friends and family can lead to the apathetic outlook on not caring if they lie like a rug to your face or still genuinely care about you.  But Apathy is so much more.  The loss of desire to do anything or go anywere beyond the well worn path in your mind and muscle memory that leads you to just what you feel is anything anymore in your life.  A strange little bug Apathy is but again its a part of life so deal.

    Truth be known I deal with apathy as well.  I am eternally apathetic when it comes to so many things I have lost count.  And I really see no problem with it.  Apathy in its own way frees you from disappointment.

    If you are never really dissappointed then you never really have to have hope or faith in anything that has not proven itself unwaveringly loyal.  and nothing nor anyone is that loyal.

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    Objectivity

    Thursday, July 17, 2008, 12:37 PM [General]

    Objectivity

    Webster defines Objective in reguard to  people as ~ Without bias or prejudice; detached- Being  or reguarded as being independent of mind; real; actual

    Few people can pull off true objectivity or a truly objective stance on matters without serious training or "programming" through work or life.  If the training is through life it can start as early as childhood as it did in my case.  Yes I know that my "objectivity" can make me come off as a cruel heartless bitch and I try to temper that with aping the sensitivity and compassion that everyone expects of all humanity.  While it is not that I don't care my outlooks on problems that people bring to me can stress me out more due to my having to keep my objectivity in check and candycoat whatever I say to them.  Except with my family.  They created this objective person they reap what they sewed.

    Objective... to most in a persons personality and basic attitude makeup means they are 24/7 detatched and unaffected by the situations around them that require them to be objective.  In my family it seems to be me that is the objective one and is expected to always be the objective one.  I am the one that has been on the outside of even my own family for so long I am not expected to really have any emotional ties to any matter in their lives.  I partly feel that this is a part of my aunt finding out my Myers Briggs Personality test results in comparison to the rest of my family.  My Mother Grandmother and Aunt all match in their scores while I am near "Polar opposite" to them.  marking me as being the least burdened with emotional attachment.  They would never suspect that I can have emotions on the matter due to how well I do hide them as programmed to do so to speak.  This "programming" over time has left me fairly cold to many situations of National global and local importance to the majority of humanity.  It has also left me fairly cold and careless about the state of humanity feeling that the worst is what we have all fallen to why harp on it.

    Matters of family for example being my Grandmothers required move to a place that can better assist her and closer to family that can care for her.  While yes the Objective outlook is that she is getting care that I do not have time or energy to give and it takes the burden off my shoulders with raising a Special needs child as well as caring for two special needs parents,  one diognosed and one undiognosed.  Still there is an emotional side that I have not been able to voice due to my expected objectivity and detached and "logical" outlook on life in general.  With my Aunt accepting of my assistance in helping prove the logical points and benifits of the move and my mothers "Hatred" and anger at my "Lack of understanding" her emotional state over her loss it has not once accured to them that I may as well have an emotional side in this matter as well since I was nearly primarily raised by my grandmother due to my mothers psychological damage.  One side of the family hailing my logical understanding and objectivity and one side condemning for the same traits and cold indifference to the situation neither are capable of thinking that because I am more logically based that I can't also hold emotion as well.  Just because they have not or can not see it does not mean it does not exist. 

    Another time when I am expected to be more objective than anything would be in relation to my daughter and her condition in reguard to what I feel should be or am comfortable with in comparison to what she wishes to do or people want her to do or feel she can do.  It has taken alot for me to be able to allow her to interact with the kids in the neighborhood both younger or older than her as well as any that  might be her own age.  Overprotective prehaps but when raised around two people that were special needs and always protecting them when I could it was an unfortunate programming that I have had to grow past.   What damage was spawned from earlier actions and overprotective nature on my part is unknown right now but I do hope that it has not added to her condition.  I have to be so objective on her condition and whats best for her and such ignoring the motherly emotional side of the matter as if it does not exist.  While with my personality its not impossible for me to do it does take alot for me to be able to do so. 

    Objective with my father requires me not to let his jokes about my having to go to the store with him at his age get to me.  Yes I fully admit in the right situation I can be a pitbull of a person but to be constantly told that I am and how he is 65 and can't go to the store on his own due to a nurses orders and has to take me along and all the "spies" I have at the store and such as that and then listen to him tell anyone who will stop and listen.  I know he says its all in fun but still after nearly a year of hearing it at times it can... hurt.  Yeah I know I am not the emotional one but still even though I am damn good at ignoring them they do still exist.  Not that my "emotionally" based opinions have ever mattered or even acknowledged and I have grown accustomed to that fact it still does not change that I do still suffer the unfortunate creation called emotions.

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    Three Generations Fish

    Thursday, July 17, 2008, 12:37 PM [General]

    An article I wrote once for a local nature mag that got my daughter a segment on their TV show.

     

    Three Generations Fish

    Written By Wendi Bardill

          Father, Daughter and, Grand daughter... A day in nature with the Soft slithering of the Norris Dam Waters.  A day of togetherness, relaxation, and fishing.  A slow process that teaches focus and patience to all that find the lure of the waters' siren song irresistible.  Being a family with a special needs child, the teaching of focus and patience is an ongoing battle.  Lack of Focus is rampant in Aspergers Syndrome.  Even with Medication, the long waiting for the fish to bite can tax the nerves and patience of even a "normal" person.  But a child with Aspergers, at times it can be near impossible to just stand or sit there and stare at the bobber floating on the water.  Nothing to do having to be still and talk softly.  NOt something easy either for a child anyways without the special condition to keep noise levels down some and just watch and wait quietly and still. With our family, however, it has in a way brought my father and daughter and I closer. 

                My father had spoken with me after my daughters' medication dose size had to be increased.  He was wondering what the medication was supposed to help her with and what affect they were hoping it would have on her.  When I told him it was to help keep her calm and help her focus better in school and on any task, he said he may have some suggestions and would get back with me.   Two weeks later he approached me, wondering if I thought she might like fishing since she talked to him alot when we would go out about the Fishermen she saw on TV on the Tennessee Wildside Television program that TWRA delivers on PBS.  I said that she might and we have all been fishing ever since.  My boyfriend James My father and I all help her with the worms and reminding her to watch the bobber and focus on fishing.  They say slow and steady wins the race... if there is an ounce of truth to that with the slow progress made with her concentration and focus with fishing she will perhaps beat at least the Focus troubles of Aspergers before she is out of elementary school. 

                Sometimes the fact that you don't always catch a fish does not even seem to enter her mind she merely has fun sitting or standing there with us and getting help from her grandfather and spending time with him.  Other times she gets a little down about not catching a fish but it is usually short lived as Grandfather asks where she wants to go for lunch.  I really think that after her great grandfather passed away and how she did not always get to spend time with him, or him really be able to hear her all the time,  she seems to seek to stay close to her grandfather.  Wanting his help over anyone elses when fishing and talking to him while we fish.  It has given me many a photo opportunity to get momento photos of the two together for her when she is grown.

                It really is good that her grandfather is such a patient person.  He is very good with her and loves teaching her and she seems more eager and attentive to taking instruction from him than anyone else about fishing.  Even if I told her the same thing ten minutes earlier to no avail if he tells her  she does or does not do what was asked of her or she was asked to stop doing.  They get along great and with his requests of "Do good in school this week if you want to go fishing this weekend, she does manage to bring home good daily reports from school.  However when she does not he will tell her that he knows she can do better and that her teachers are just there to help her by teaching her things that she will need all through life.  She has even stated that she wants to become a vet and attend the college her Grandfather works for,  He has told her that she has to do very good in school for a Job like that so she seems to try more for him and herself than anyone else to do good in school and fishing.

                There is something to be said for the calming affect that something like Fishing and nature does for the soul.  Though for now and with her condition she is too young for that affect to really phase her, I do hope that in time as she sees how it calms and relaxes those around her.  That perhaps the soothing sound of the river flowing past her and the calm relaxing time with family on the banks watching the waters slowly lazily ripple by and the bobber float and dance as the fish nibble the worm, that she will be able in time to truly be able to calm.  Her own soul and mind maybe just maybe will be able to find a way to recognize and overcome some of the affects and symptoms of her Aspergers Syndrome.  Or at least find a way around them a mental strength that can help her in later years dealing with a world of people that may not always understand and may not always be able to handle and relate to her and her condition.

                It seems to take a special kind of person to handle raising or helping raise an Aspergers Child,  and a special kind of soul in that child to just roll so well with the punches life throws and the stumbling blocks that Aspergers can cause.  Having to "battle" each day with the inability to focus or the inability to tear away from one project for another, or the seeking to figure out what is real and what is imaginary, or the emotional ups and downs of trying as hard as you can an not quite doing what you set out to do no matter how hard you try.  Most people can let failure like that simply roll off them but in many cases the Aspergers Child can not let go of that "I failed"  "I messed up" I did bad...wrong...etc"  So finding something like fishing that you can show the child that no one catches a fish every time they try is also a good lesson for  the child to better be able to handle the inevitable failures in life that we all go through.

                Fishing bringing a family closer and teaching a special child to slowly learn better focus almost makes a parent even on the worst of days think that nothing is impossible.  I find myself so often in the more trying moments of dealing with the little quirks and at times seeming total lack of comprehension and understanding on her part, thinking back on the fishing trips and her slowly learning something that simple that will help her in so many other aspects of her life, All through her life.  Those of us with no "Conditions" like Aspergers or Autism or the countless other"conditions that plague so many... We really have no clue what true determination is.  To look into the eyes of an Aspergers child that wants so desperately to do something and get it right can really make you think.  It can really make you look at your own life and realize that forgotten trip to the post office is nothing... that misspelled number on a check may yes be an annoyance but its nothing, really and truly nothing.  I admit that even without any such condition that the waiting and staring at the bobber in fishing sometimes can grind on my last nerve.  What do I do when that or something like that happens... I look at my daughter and I see her staring intently at her bobber or watch her watching her grandfather fish and that stress and annoyed feeling fades. 

    </O:P>

                I freely admit that an Aspergers child can fill your life with more stress than if they had not been born with it I have learned that over the years with my daughter,  but She  also bring the most pride and happiness when she do something as simple as color a picture all inside the lines or catch a fish and remind us that we should release the little ones back into he water to grow up or to catch and release as the "Expert Fisherman" says to do on her favorite Wildlife show.   The little things that seem to become sealed in their minds is fascinating at times.  Remembering something a teacher told them 2 years ago but unable to tell you what you just asked them to do is something that is sometimes very frustrating for a parent but again Fishing with the family she will sit and talk with us and remind us of things we have said to her or to each other and ask questions about things that happened long ago. 

                There is a fascination, at least with my daughter of wanting to learn history,  She would live sleep eat and breath museums if we had the money to go to everyone she saw or read about.  Fishing, Going places with family, History and animals hold her mind almost constantly.  Talking of wanting to go to the Zoo or some museum and then going fishing afterwards not realizing that the adults may be tired after walking all over the zoo and or where ever we found for her to learn history.  There is never a dull moment with her at home out traveling or "in the wilds" She tries so hard to get her grandfather to laugh and smile while they fish and talk, or calling to him every five minutes in a museum or the zoo to come look at something.  He also seems to get a real treat and true joy out of getting to share it all even though he seems quite tired when its all over.  No matter what on the way home they will sometimes talk and plan what we are all going to do next week if schedules will allow it.

                Children naturally have tons of energy to spare if they are doing something they like but the Aspergers Child seems to have reserves that normal kids could only dream of on energy to go and do.  That is why at least in the case of my daughter that fishing has been the most trying and at times the most rewarding and helpful.  Learning how to with the aid of her medication contain an control that energy and know when to have little bursts of energy "escape" to keep herself at a calmer state.  We all need those little "pressure valves" and watching an Aspergers child really "buckle down" and find his or her pressure valve release is a heart warming experience and for our family I doubt it could have been don without My fathers insight and careful deliberated thought on using something he could teach her that he had learned as a child to in turn help her for life in here and now and in the long run slowly and steadily.

                I too have found an escape from my lack of patience for extended times of fishing something that my  father taught me when I was just a little older than my daughter... Photography.  I try when we are out with him to get pictures of the two of them together.  Pictures of him teaching her and helping her and her listening so attentively to him.  Pictures that she will be able to treasure and that on the "bad days" I can look at and remind myself that the bad days will not last forever.  They also remind her that she can listen and learn and do better if she does listen to instructions.  so the Photos not only document the events but aid us both long after the trip is forgotten or just past.  I doubt she will ever forget her fishing trips with her Grandfather ever, and it gives him the expected bragging grandparent stories to tell friends and coworkers.  If she fully understands what her condition is at this young age I don't know but in time I am sure she will understand and be able to recognize and remember  the focus she has to have in fishing for other aspects of her life in general.  Especially in school and when she is old enough to get a job.

                I do not know if fishing would work for all Aspergers children just that it seems to work for mine.  It however is something I would highly recommend for parents of Aspergers Syndrome Children to check into for their child.

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    Geneology Insanity

    Wednesday, July 16, 2008, 12:30 PM [General]

    I have been researching the four families that makes up this insanity called Wendi.  I hve been told I look like I have native AMerican heritage but all I can find is 7 generations back at the closest though there are gaps on three of the family sides so there could be more.

     

    They call it the "Geneology bug" BULLSHIT!!! Its the Terminal cancer that gets in your brain and makes you stay up to all hours of the night because you THINK "its relaxing" to do the reading and research and a fun game to see what all you can find.  There is NO drug more addictive than wanting to willingly begin doing you family geneology...

     

    You have been warned.

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    One down one to go

    Thursday, July 10, 2008, 1:38 PM [General]

    Well one of Dads eye surgerys has been done today and now we see when the dr wants to do the other one.  a fairly peaceful day for having to go through Semi ((Tractor Trailers)) Hell on the highway in a down pour.  Dr said the surgery went great and everything looked good so we will have to wait and see.371d36d75e05eda735858f8e467be99c
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    A dance in Hell

    Thursday, July 3, 2008, 4:43 PM [General]

    From Jekyl to Hyde I danced through Hell today.

    Music too faint to hear swirled while round and round we went.

    Hours slithered past us like  the rivers we rolled past.

    The end though brought a strange yet harmless "joy" for Jekyl and Hyde

    The anger and constant flinging round and round of the dance however left me...

    There.

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    Is whats given up worth finding again

    Friday, June 27, 2008, 3:02 PM [General]

    This will be an ongoing post and I would LOVE for people to add comments and personal experiences in this matter to the post.

     

    I have given up every dream I have ever had for my life... and yet I have a child I never thought I would have and a good marriage allbeit my second marriage, but out of 35 years of life thats all I have to show for it.  No Music/Lyric writing job... No federal Security job... No way to travel and live life freely as just packing up and going... but... I'm still somewhat happy...  THe Security job still smacks me in the face from time to time but beyond that... life is still good so is it really worth working for the lost dreams or would they just mess up the current life and what damage could they have on it if I did go after them so long after they were lost?

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