Well for the first time in my life I signed up to volunteer. I signed up for ASTOP. It deals with sexual and physical abuse. Boy what better subjects could I have picked. I haven't heard anything yet but I am keeping my fingers crossed. I ran into an old friend today who used to run it and she said she is going to go in there and ask them about me. I told her that on the questionaire it asked if you are in therapy. I told her I answered it that I was but it's not for that. It's for other things going on in my life. I have a lot to offer so I would like to work the crisis line and do office things. They wanted to know what kind of experience I had after asking me if I knew directly about sexual abuse and physical. Well what more direct experience can you have other than going to school. I think being a survivor of it should be direct enough.

I went to a wedding yesterday. It was beautiful. It was my sister in law and it was an amazing wedding. The bride and the groom sang to each other during the ceremony. It probably was the best wedding I have been too. Other than I get sad because I never got to have the wedding I wanted. We got married in front of the judge. My husband promised me we would after we got married. Well, 28 years later (we just celebrated our 28th on Aug. 7). I wouldn't call it a celebration neither. My husband forgot my birthday which was 5 days before our anniversary and he forgot our anniversary. I was extremly upset. I told him it was really disrespectful to me.

Normally things like that can happen in life. But because we have had problems with him distancing himself since his addiction to methodone this was something that forgiveness isn't going to work. He no longer takes methodone but is on a different drug to keep him away from it. There is no excuse for him to forget other than it just wasn't a priority.

At the wedding yesterday, my other sister in law asked if my husband and I were still as close as we used to be. I was honest and said "no". She couldn't believe it. She said of all people she knew, we would be the ones in love forever. We don't see each other very often so we had to get caught up. I told her hey I have told him exactly what I need from him and he doesn't seem to want or be able to give it to me.

My husband asked me what we were talking about and I was so honest with him. I told him that I told her everything including that the rest of the family didn't know how bad or distant our marriage got. He said that our marriage hasn't changed. I asked him where has he been. I have been telling him for so long about our marriage and it's like he just doesn't get it. That it had changed and has changed ever since the methodone. He insists he hasn't changed. I told him to go ask anyone he knows. Well, he didn't know what to say. So hopefully he will open up his eyes and get it. I am not crossing my fingers though. I just know I have to go on everyday and find out who I am and where I am going. What is important to me. What I need. What I have to do to find the peace I am looking for.

I started reading the bible. I am catholic or raised catholic and never have read the bible. I was reading this book about when your dog dies does he go to the pearly gates. In the book, it talks a lot about the bible. So when I realized that a lot of the things that were being said I had no clue about. So in order to read this book and understand fully what is being said, maybe it's about time in my life to read that book. Who knows, maybe I will find what I am looking for.

So that is what mainly this blog is about. Finding, experiencing, going forward, reevaluating my life.   mzz65401