I was going to try to take a break from so many medical appointments this week, but it didn't work out that way. It 's going to be super-busy with another 8 appointments. Hopefully, I'll be skipping the ER this week.

I'm keeping up with my meditation and that seems to be helping relax me before bed. I've been waking up prematurely, though. This morning I was up at 4:30, so I got on the computer. When Gary woke up at 6:00 I ironed his shirt for work, then I started gardening in the cool of the morning. It has already started getting too hot for me by 11:00 or so, and it takes quite a while to cool off in the evening. That means mornings are the right time to garden and pull weeds...and boy, there are lots of weeds this year. I hate Gary using chemicals like Round-Up, so I volunteered for weed duty. I spent 75 minutes doing gardening and weeding this morning.

After I ate some oatmeal for breakfast, I did my 30 minute yoga routine. Then it was time to make lunch for Gary. After he went back to work, I had a dental appointment, then did the grocery shopping. After I put the groceries away I did 30 minutes on the Gazelle. Now I am definitely pooped and looking forward to my evening meditation and bedtime.

Oh, I did get the greatest deal today that Gary readily approved of. I got a certificate for a haircut and color for only $10 at a salon that normally charges a minimum of $100 for those services. That's a definite WooHoo!

When I was at the physical therapist last week, this poem was posted on the wall. I had seen it before, but had forgotten about it. Perhaps you have seen it before, too, but it's worth the read again.

DON’T QUIT

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

- Author unknown

To those that have lost their mother:

Your Mother Is Always With You...
Your mother is always with you...
She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.
She's the smell of bleach
in your freshly laundered socks.
She's the cool hand on your brow
when you're not well.
Your mother lives inside your laughter.
She's crystallized in every tear drop.
She's the place you came from,
your first home...
She's the map you follow
with every step that you take.
She's your first love
and your first heart break...
and nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, Not space...
Not even death...
will ever separate you
from your mother...
You carry her inside of you...
Author Unknown



For our mothers who are still with us:

As I Look Back...

As I look back on my life
I find myself wondering...
Did I remember to thank you
for all that you have done for me?
For all of the times you were by my side
to help me celebrate my successes
and accept my defeats?
Or for teaching me the value of hard work,
good judgement, courage, and honesty?
I wonder if I've ever thanked you
for the simple things...
The laughter, smiles, and quiet times we've shared?
If I have forgotten to express my gratitude
For any of these things,
I am thanking you now...
and I am hoping that you've known all along,
how very much you are loved and appreciated.

Author Unknown


To those who are mothers:


Mother’s Day Poem For a Friend

I’m proud to have you as my friend,
A wonderful friend for me;
You’re also a great mother, too;
I watch you admiringly.

Observing you, I often think
How blessed the world is now
To have you in it, friend and mom,
Happy Mother’s Day; take a bow!

By Joanna Fuchs

Wishing my Beliefnet family a Happy Mother's Day!

Judi


Me and my mom in February of this year.

Thank You Mom

I know how often I took you for granted
when I was growing up.
I always assumed you'd be there
when I needed you...
and you always were.
But I never really thought about what that meant
till I got older and began to realize
how often your time and energy were devoted to me.
so now, for all the times I didn't say it before,
thank you, Mom...I love you so very much!

Author Unknown

I woke up with another migraine yesterday morning. I went back to sleep until around 7:30, and I still felt no better when I climbed out of bed and into the shower. I thought I had an eye doctor appointment yesterday morning and drove way across town. It turns out wires got crossed somewhere and my appointment turned out to be yesterday and I missed it. A nurse had made the appointment for me and I don't know if she told me the wrong day or whether I wrote it on my calendar wrong.

Driving all the way across town with a migraine and the traffic and the price of gas really got my goat. I allowed myself to get so angry, while I was driving at home I started screaming at God, "Why? Why? Why? Why are you continuing to let me suffer in migraine pain? You know I have anxiety and depression and you allow things like missing my appointment to happen. Why? Why? Why am I being punished?" And the rant at God continued on like that. Then I got caught behind a terrible traffic accident that took me 30 minutes to get through the traffic jam it caused.

While I was stuck in traffic, I called my primary care doctor and she agreed to squeeze me in at 11:00 for my first round of shots. Gary came home early for lunch in order to get me to the doctor. Due to my being stuck in traffic, he arrived home ahead of me, we jumped in his car and I made my 11:00 with barely a minute to spare.

I took a cab home, ate lunch and spent a little time on the computer. Then I had to go to my appointment with my new neurologist at 3:00. She is going to put me through a sleep study. I am to keep a headache calendar / journal for six weeks and see her at the end of that time. She says I am on way too many medications and she would like to get me off some or most of them. I don't think I could be any worse off, except if she takes me off my antidepressants. She will probably leave those alone, or at least I hope she does.

Due to my many bouts of critically low blood pressure that sent me to the doctor and ER 3 times in one day and a total of 5 times for the past week, my primary care doctor and I figured we should lower the dose on two medications we suspected of being the cause. The Diamond Headache Clinic in Chicago had raised the dosages, and I have been having bouts of hypotension ever since. It appears going back down on the dosing has worked to eliminate the hypotension, at least so far.  I'm still trying to figure out just what benefit came from going to Diamond, besides an empty wallet. 

By the end of today I will have gone to 8 doctor appointments since Monday (I'm not counting the eye appointment I missed the other day because I thought it was yesterday.) I am getting a really bad taste in my mouth from so many doctor visits and hospital ERs.

I did resume meditating again. I have done so three nights in a row. That's a very small streak that I must keep alive. It was also not enough to keep me calm and tranquil today. My attitude was really bad until I ate lunch. I also resumed exercise the day before yesterday. Now I must start getting myself to the yoga / Pilates / pole dance classes I have a gift certificate for (a month's worth of unlimited classes. If I can lay off all the doctor appointments I can make time for the classes and go to the gym as well.

April was such a bad month for me health wise, I did not meet many of my April goals except for drinking enough water, eating at least 5 fruits and veggies a day, and controlling my spending. So, I am carrying over my April goals into May. They are so ambitious they will probably get carried over to June as well. I have set 7/31 as my target date to reach final goal, and even that is pushing it. However I will take one day at a time and keep moving forward until I get to where I want to be, no matter how long it takes me to get there.

MAY GOALS

1. I am going to keep my streaks of drinking 8 or more glasses of water and eating at least 5 fruits and veggies a day alive.

2. I am going to aim for a weight loss of 2-3 pounds a week in order to fit back into my wedding dress by the end of June.

3. I want to go to the gym for strength training at least 2 days a week, and to the Pole dancing /yoga/ Pilates classes (belly dancing too!) 3 days a week.

4. I am going to take good care of myself in an attempt to minimize my migraines.

5. I am going to reintroduce meditation into my life, I have two days under my belt, and I need to make it a streak and keep it alive.

6. I am going to do Pilates training on the Reformer once a week with a personal trainer as part of my physical therapy.

7. I am going to set up my Wii "New U Mind Body" yoga and pilates workout and break out of my comfort zone with this new training.

8. I am going to aim for some form of exercise at least 20 minutes a day, 7 days a week...a real challenge with my migraines and other health issues.

9. I am going to continue to control my spending and work on rebuilding my husband's trust in me.

10. I am going to maintain my gardens as needed.

11. I am going to work on mending my relationship with God and start back doing my daily devotionals.

12. I am going to find a way to stop my increased emotional eating.

13. Get AngelBoxes.com website developed and up.

14. I am going to stay calm because that is what is best for me and for my marriage.

15. I am going to get a regular sleep schedule going and stick to it: 10pm - 6am.

I almost forgot to share: I want a gazebo badly, but in the interim, my mom bought us a gazebo bird feeder for our anniversary:




This is how green the grss should be, and hopefully it will get there soon.

Now watch me pull a cat out of a bag:



Or maybe I'll leave her be so she can be a happy, laughing cat:

 

Yesterday was Gary and my third wedding anniversary. We are really watching our pennies because of his impending job layoff on July 31, so we celebrated on the cheap. I wrote Gary a poem and made it into a greeting card using Photoshop, including photos from our wedding. Gary brought me home some flowers and a store-bought card, apologizing for not making me one. In the past he has written me quite eloquent and very sweet love notes, but he is trying to catch up at work after being on vacation. We went to the Olive Garden for dinner, and that was plenty good.

When we got home we had a bottle of champagne and read our wedding vows to each other, We "renew" our wedding vows to each other every anniversary.

This morning I woke up at 6:00 with Gary and grabbed a shirt to iron for him to wear to work. On my way to the ironing board, I crashed into the wall then fell on the floor due to dizziness from extremely low blood pressure. I literally crawled back to bed on all fours. I went back to sleep, because I felt so lousy. When I woke back up I took my blood pressure elevating medicine and went back to sleep until 10:30.

I got up to have lunch with Gary, as he tries to come home every day to have lunch with me. After he left to go back to work, I took a leisurely shower and got ready to go to the dentist. Today I picked up my dental splint that is supposed to relieve my TMJ and, therefore, my migraines. We shall see. I had two more metal fillings removed and replaced with the white plastic amalgam. Next week I have one filling left to go and the fit of my splint to be checked. I have to wear the splint 24/7 except when eating. It's not too uncomfortable, and I think I'll get used to it quickly. I just pray it works in relieving my migraines to any extent, if not altogether.

I haven't exercised in days. I was planning on doing my yoga tonight, but I feel less and less like doing it. I do have an appointment for 1/2 hour of Pilates on a Reformer with a personal trainer tomorrow morning. On Friday morning I am hoping to go to the gym and take advantage of a free personal training session. Everything depends on how I feel. I am anxious to see how quickly, if at all, this dental splint provides relief.

Tuesday morning Gary and I drove my step-son Garth back to Gillette, Wyoming, after Garth's short visit. From there we set off for Yellowstone Park. We got a hotel room in Cody, which is less than an hour away. We asked the desk clerk for info on the park and she told us the park was closed due to snow, unless you planned to do snow mobiling. That's us, no planning and winding up with our heads up our butts.

I do say it was a beautiful drive there, with snow flocked trees on the mountain pass that looked like a Christmas Card.

Since we couldn't go to Yellowstone, I suggested Thermopolis: the biggest area of developed hot springs in the US. Gary agreed to try that. We are on this long stretch of road without another car in site, and I asked Gary if we could go a little faster. It wasn't long before there was another car in site...a police car. Gary got an $82 speeding ticket, and I feel it was my fault.

We continued on to Thermopolis, but by the time we got there, neither of us were in a good mood. We looked around, thought maybe we'd come back someday, then headed home. On the way home my migraine began kicking in. I had been taking migraine abortives already, and I took some more to no avail.

By the time we got home it was about 6pm. I was tired, cranky and in pain. I went to bed around 7pm. Due to the migraine I just kept on sleeping until about 2 this afternoon. I had an important dentist appointment to go to, so couldn't go get migraine abortive shots. I am set up to do that at 10am tomorrow, which is Friday.

The dentist replaced a filling. Last one he did caused me no trouble. This one hurts like heck. I'm wondering how long the pain will last. I was supposed to get my splint, but the dentist decided to wait until next week to try and fit me properly.

Thus came the end to a lousy day with me still having a horrid migraine. I don't have high expectations for tomorrow.

Yesterday morning my husband started his vacation. He went to go pick up his son Garth from Gillette, Wyoming, which is a six hour drive from where we live in Colorado. He wanted to leave at 4am so I woke him up at 3:20am. He wanted to drive by himself so he could have some one-on-one bonding time with Garth. Unfortunately, I could not fall back asleep.

I had this great deal for a cut and color for $39, but it was a bit of a drive,and I HATE driving. Anyway, the girl did a wonderful job on my hair and Gary loved it. He asked me if I was going to go back to her since she did such a good job, and I told him I'd love to, but we couldn't afford the salon's regular price of $135.00. Yikes!

Today I am paying for the lack of sleep and driving around with a migraine and a relapse of my bronchitis. I feel awful. I actually think the migraine started setting in late yesterday afternoon, because I welcomed Garth with an explosive episode. Gary has been trying to quit smoking, but whenever he's around someone that smokes, which Garth does, Gary gives into his compulsion to smoke as well.

Gary came inside first while Garth was outside smoking. I kissed Gary and said, "Cigarette Breath!" Gary thought he should warn me that Garth smoked two cigarettes in the car, so it might smell like smoke. I went ballistic. Gary knows that even the lingering smell of cigarette smoke can trigger my migraines. He should have known better than to allow Garth to smoke in the car. So poor Garth walks in, I give him no , "Hello" or any welcome greeting. I just yell at him, "House rules: NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE; NO SMOKING IN THE BASEMENT; NO SMOKING IN THE CARS; NO SMOKING ANYWHERE AROUND ME! YOU GOT THAT?"

Poor guy. It wasn't his fault that Gary allowed him to smoke in the car. Later that evening he told Gary I made him really uncomfortable by yelling at him like that. What was I thinking? Of course, I apologized, but you can't unring a bell. I just hope I can make it up to him over the rest of the visit and demonstrate that I'm not really a monster, at least not all the time.

We met Gary's mom, sister, and niece at Red Lobster. Although I had a snack of fruit and yogurt a little earlier, I found myself starving and I scarffed down more calamari than I had planned on and two biscuits, which are extremely caloric and fattening. I hardly ate my dinner, but that couldn't make up for the damage already done. I have felt so bad today, that I haven't done my yoga either. Maybe I can bite the bullet and still fit it in.

Today we started out having coffee on the back porch, as it was a beautiful morning. Then we went to a hobby shop so Garth could pick some gifts out for his girlfriends boys, whom Garth loves dearly. Next we went to a pawn shop to browse around. Gary then dropped me off at his mother's house so he and Garth could go check out the local go-carting track and find out if they are racing this weekend. It turns out there is a race, so Gary and Garth are going to drive to another track about an hour away, because Garth wants to drive Gary's racing go-cart. Gary used to race his cart the first two summers I knew him, but he got heat stroke one weekend and gave it up. Thank goodness! It was dangerous and expensive. Right now the boys are out in the garage prepping the cart for tomorrow.

Oh, Gary's mom loves jewellery as much as I do and she gave me a beautiful pairof earrings while I was there. I also got a couple photos using my phone's camera of her and her newest puppy, Fred. Now all I have to do is figure how to upload the photos to my computer.

We had lunch at Burger King, because Garth wanted a burger. I found a salad with a grilled chicken breast on the menu with light dressing, so I don't feel too bad about lunch. Dinner is going to be small ribeye steaks with brown and wild rice and honey-gingered carrots. If I only have a few bites of steak, that's nothing to feel bad about either.

The boys are still out playing, and we haven't been to the grocery store yet. I want some fresh ginger for the carrots, and we have a couple of other things to pick up, so I'm going to end here and rest up a little. I have a feeling I may be doing a whole lot of resting tomorrow, but first I'll have to go to the ER. The boys can drop me off on their way to play and pick me up on the way home. I'll let them figure out tomorrow night's dinner.

This morning I got up with DH at 6:00 and ironed a shirt for him to wear to work. Next I Sparked a little bit, then I did 1/2 hour of yoga, took a shower and went to physical therapy where I did another 1/2 hour of Pilates.

Gary starts his vacation tomorrow and he is driving to Gillete, Wyoming to pick up his son.
(His son has no driver's license due to 5 DUIs.) Gary also was out of his son's, Garth's, life for about 21 years because his wife forced him to give up his parental rights when they divorced when Garth was 5 years old. Garth sought Gary out 2 years ago when he was incarcerated for the DUIs. We made several trips to visit Garth while he was incarcerated, and a lot of letters and phone calls have been exchanged, but this is only the second time Garth is visiting us. The first time he came with his girlfriend and we put them up in a hotel. This time it will just be Garth and Gary is looking forward to a lot of bonding time with him, while I make myself scarce from time to time. It's a six hour drive, one way, so they will have lots of visiting time on the drives here and back.

I have been cleaning all day, and will continue to do so tomorrow. The house isn't in too bad of shape. What I get done, I get done and what I don't; I don't. Garth is coming to see us and not the house, after all. I have been working so hard today, i went over by 40-50 calories today. I started tracking my food again because I have been so bad about eating lately, tracking will keep me accountable.

DH is ready for my company, so I will end here. Have a great sleep, everyone!

I haven't had a cold or flu in over 5 years. I think this one is making up for all those I missed. My cold is really a bad one, going into my chest and turning into bronchitis. One of the worst things is that because I am on an MAOI for depression, I can't get relief from any modern day cold medicines. I have been doing more sleeping than I imagined possible, so I didn't wake up until quite late this morning.


When I finally got up and got myself going, Gary and I went to Lowes to pick up some peat moss and sprinkler parts so we could get the gardens planted. The hydrangea and dahlias are in. The rose bush is fertilized and the front garden is fairly weed free. What drives me crazy is that at this early stage, I can't tell the difference between some weeds and plants. When in doubt, I'm just letting the stuff grow until I can differentiate it.

On the side of the house there is an area where no grass is growing. When we first moved into this house, there was no grass growing anywhere at all. There was a lot of rock. It seemed we endlessy moved rocks one entire summer. We had the front yard sodded, and got the back yard going with bags and bags of grass seed. We also had a sprinkler system put in. Anyway, on the side where grass has never grown, we spent some time removing more rock. Gary is now out there speading home made compost and soil across the are so we can seed it. He is also ammending the soil in the back garden bed. I am taking a well-earned break since I'm still sick.


When he is finished, we have 6 blueberry plants, marigold seeds, and a bunch of wildflower seeds to plant. We bought varietals to attract butterflies and hummingbirds, which I hope actually will do so. Last year we had tons of ladybugs in our back yard. If they don't return, we are going to buy a bag of them from a nursery.


Tomorrow is supposed to bring rain, and I think the front is already starting to move in. Guess I better go check on Gary's progress and get that back bed planted.

Today I did some housecleaning and laundry. I tried to do my "New U Mind Body" yoga and pilates workout. I only made it through 4 exercises because I am still so weak. Gary and I went for a walk this evening and I had to cut that short as well. I hate being sick! Because I am on a MAOI antidepressant I can't take any cold medicine to make me more comfortable. I think I am grinning and bearing it well, though.

I had PT this morning and then had to go to the pet store for kitty food. They had hermit crabs for sale. I currently had two, but I read that the minimum you should have is three. Ironically, hermit crabs aren't hermits. They enjoy socializing, so I am up to three now.

I know it's just Thursday, but I still can't wait for the weekend. Gary and I have been getting along quite well. I want to see this trend last.

I think I'll hit the sack pretty early tonight, and hope I wake up even better tomorrow. Trying to decide if I should tackle the gym (I am still sore from the last workout) or try to get further along with "New U."

Today I started tracking my food again since recently I seem to have an endless appetite. Now I have to figure out what I can eat tonight and stay in the low end of my calorie range since I didn't get much exercise today. Maybe some diet hot chocolate to calm my chocolate cravings...I can even have two because they are only 25 calories each.

Wound up having a homemade triple berry smoothie and stayed in the low end of my calorie range

Monday night DH and I went to our first marriage counseling session. I was, and still am, so sick yesterday that it slipped my mind to blog about it, and everyone has been asking.

DH said that he is drained and spent and doesn't have anything else to give to our marriage. That surprised me because to me it appears that he is still trying hard to better our relationship, as am I. Yet I confess he is a difficult person to live with and I am so impulsive I often do things inadvertently that displease him.

I am working hard to control my spending and not lie about or hide anything I buy. It's actually gotten a little easier because all my recent medical expenses are catching up with me and I don't have much money left over.

I caught myself yesterday ready to do some compulsive spending, and I am delaying the purchase to a time when we are on more solid financial ground. DH is being laid off from his job on July 31, maybe even before then, and we should be saving moey and paying down our bills for that rainy day if he remains unemployed for any great length of time.

I don't know if DH has forgiven me for my previous lies regarding my compulsive buying. It is for sure he hasn't forgotten about it. However, he is not holding it over my head or constantly reminding me about it. He is giving me the opportunity to rebuild his trust in me, which will naturally take some time.

You know that old story about there being three sides to every story: his, mine, and the truth? We both have different recollections of how events, disagreements, and past hurts have happened and to this day can easily start an argument about the past. Our counselor told us to own our own feelings, and not beat each other up that we don't feel the same things or that we remember events from our own perspectives.

The number one issue the counselor identified is that we both have to stop threatening each other. Gary has to stop threatening to divorce me and I have to control my emotional responses to bad situations and quit becoming suicidal. In essence we are each telling each other that if we don't get our way, the marriage is going to end in one fashion or another.

We were instructed to communicate our needs only twice to each other and then lay off the subject. The first communication is that one of our needs is not being met, and the second communication is for clarification. If neither one of us is willing to meet the other's needs for whatever reason, then we have to determine if it is something we can live with or if it is time to dissolve the marriage and go our own way.

Instead of giving me hope that marriage counseling could help us identify and work on our problems, I left feeling that there were more and bigger problems in our marriage than I recognized and the experience left me feeling fearful of our future. We both agreed to keep attending the counseling together, and I will go individually. Gary admitted to being really depressed, yet he is not ready to face his issues as an individual in couseling.

So where does that leave us right now? I think we are both walking on eggshells to keep the peace until we learn better communication, anger management, and self-management skills. I have had so much therapy before that this should be just like a refresher course for me. I am still optimistic that we both want to do what it takes to save our marriage...at least we are paying it lip service. But in reality, can we both change enough and go far enough towards meeting each others needs to stay together? Can we address our issues as adults and not like children? Right now we are treating each other with respect and trying to behave as we are indeed one. I am trying to remember that marriage is a parternership and not to exclude Gary from any of my decisions nor act impulsively in a way that would harm our marriage.

We pray each day for the good Lord to heal our marriage and give us strength to overcome any obstacles. All things are possible through God, if we just let go and Let God. Still, we have free will and must chose the right path in order for us to stay together. There is no magic bullet here, just like there is no magic bullet for my health issues that have become quite burdensome on the marriage.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.