It's been almost two years since the loss of my parents. My sibilings and I do not speak to each other, I want to but they do not. It's all because of their love for money, which to me IS the root of all evil. They think one got more than another, one got this possession and the other didn't. Fighting over what my parents left. 

I'm still grieving over their loss, they passed away seven weeks apart, that's hard to handle.I took care of mom after dad passed, she was so sad, she understood he was gone, I told her all four of us loved her so much and it was ok for her to go and be with dad. I'll never forget the look she gave me, she looked deep into my eyes, even with stage 5 alzheimer's she knew that I was giving her the freedom to go. It was not much later she passed. They are together.

I believe with all my heart the only thing and the most important thing in this world is family. My beautiful, wonderful, loving parents are gone......

My brothers and sister are not speaking to each other, in fact they say they hate one another.      What in the world has happened..........

It has been awhile since i last wrote  in my journal. So much has happened I'm not sure where to begin........

A year ago in February my father took us kids on a Caribbean cruise. He had someting to tell us at the begining of the cruise but we did not want to hear it. We had an idea of what he was going to tell us. We decided we

wanted to forget everything and enjoy ourselfs on this trip. Dad quickly 

agreed. We were going to have fun !

 We had a wonderful time ! There was someting so very special about this trip, almost magical.......

Four days after we got home, Dad passed away,his heart had failed him.I dropped everything that I was doing including seeing my children, whom I hadn't seen in two weeks. I flew to Seattle, my brother and I went to work planning a catholic funeral.

My mother was still living in the family home. She had Parkinson's, and Alzheimer's.She was still doing pretty good. She had caregivers but I wanted to stay and take care of her. She was so good to me growing up. I had to do this for her. She had just lost her husband of 60 years !

One day Mom realized that Dad would be gone a very long time. She understood that he had passed away. After this she went down hill. She stopped talking all together but understood when I spoke to her. She was loosing a lot of weight, so,so sad.

I finally told her one day, that us four children really loved her so much, but I could see that she missed Dad with all her heart. I told her to go, go and be with Dad, it's all right. We understood.

Seven weeks later my Mom died. I became numb, just gave up. Showed no interest in my life. I had just lost both parents in seven weeks.

I'm doing ok now, it's been a year........ a long, long year. I still have a long way to go.........

Boy, It's been a long time since I wrote in here. So much has happened since I last posted. My family has completely fallen apart.... no speaks to each other anymore. I guess it was my mom that held us together. There is no more family ! That is something that I cannot fathom. My whole life I was taught that the most important thing on this earth was family. Now, its gone. My dad doesn't speak to us because we don't like his caregiver who has completely taken over. My dad is 81, she keeps his wallet in her apartment ( her husband works for the condo building that my dad lives in ) she keeps all of my dad's  bank statements in her apartment. She has managed to get my dad to not speak to the three of us, my other sibling is very passive. Has had POA changed to another relative and is stealing from his and my mom's bank account ! Yet my dad turns a blind eye ! Why ? He knows she's doing this......... I'm at a lost.

I really need my family at this point in my life. I live far away from home, no one knows this, but I have a tumor in my right eye, very rare. I'm having a biopsy done on the 30th, and I'm scared to death. Deep down inside I know what will happen. I have no friends, co-workers, nobody here, no support system. I cannot hear, and now I have the most difficult time seeing, got glasses the other day, first time in my life, bifocals are a hard thing to get used to. When I have my glasses off I cannot see myself in the mirror. All these changes in the past year. Wow ! And no family !

There are no more tears to shed. I'm numb.

Today I have this feeling of such loss, such helplessness. I know we always have options, I’ve been looking for options for the last several years and still cannot figure a way to get past these feelings of such loss. I feel its all hopeless, and there is so much loss in my life. Maybe too much.I know God gives only the strong the burden to be able to handle all the things that happen in life, but, let me tell you this……..please I have had enough. You’ve tested my strength and you see I am strong.BUT, I cannot handle much more………. What is one to do ? How do I get past this ? I want to feel happy and joyful. I was at one time, I know I can get it back again. How ??????

How can I be so selfish and think of my problems at a time like this ?? I cannot do that. There are hundreds and thousands of people who need prayers and need god at this time. I need to forget about myself and pray for the people in Haiti, pray and pray and pray…………...

I am visiting my family in Seattle for the holidays, I’m staying with my parents. They are both extremely ill. My mother has Alzheimer’s, she’s in the latter stages, still remembers me every once in awhile ! What a god sent blessing when she remembers me………. It makes life whole, like it used to me, I really need my mother, she is still here but just a shell of her is left. She is just waiting to passed, what a cruel, vicious sight for anyone to see. What a cruel, vicious disease………. its robbing everything that my mother once knew how to do on her own. It’s so sad and hard to see. It is also ripping my family apart, no one knows what to do, everyone has different ideas, we cannot get along ! We need MOM !! But she is gone…….

I just don’t know what to do anymore….. I’ve never, ever in my whole life feel like I do now and have felt in the last few months. I just feel so alone, empty, I feel like no one cares. I want to reach out and I believe I have tried to reach out, yet no one seems to get how bad I feel. Maybe I really don’t let them see how lost and empty I feel. I don’t know, I honestly don’t know….. Something needs to be done, how does one take the first step ? I’m so afraid, I really need a push, actually a shove. I want a friend to help me……… HELP………...

I received wonderful news today ! I was chosen as one of the featured artist at Imagekind.com today ( Dec. 22 ). What an honor ! I feel very humbled. This is the first time that I have ever won anything, or was noticed for my accomplishments. I emailed everyone that I could think of, I was so proud ! Only one person responded with a “ congratulations”. Am I being selfish in that I was expecting at least a few more people to congratulate me ? I guess we all have our own busy lives and we become quite drawn into living our everyday lives. We are not able to go outside of the box and think of others and what they may be doing and going through with their own lives. What do you think ??

Changes are coming my way, big changes. I’m not quite sure how to deal with them. In the past I just waited till it happened, was never prepared, just went with the flow. Now I would be risking everything if I just went with the flow. I don’t want to do that.But, I’m scared, not sure what to do, which way do I go ……… how do I know if that is the best solution, if it’s the right thing to do ??  I am constantly worried, if I’m not worried then I’m crying because I’m scared to death.

I have been keeping busy with the whatnots of the holidays. I’ve been able to buy a few things for my children. I see them Christmas Eve through Christmas night at 7:00PM. Then I don’t see them until January 7Th for one night then January 14Th for my weekend. I will miss them terribly, they are what keeps me going…….. I have been blessed to visit my family, my parents and siblings from the 26TH to the 6th. They live 3,000 miles from me. I feel whole when I am with them too. I’m never alone, there is always someone there to make sure I’m included. I dread coming back here, where I live now. Except for my children, there’s no one. I have to be strong for them.I too, need a shoulder to lean on, a friend to chat with,someone to share things with. How does one go about making friends, good friends, at a later age in life ? A friend that is single too, like me ? I’m a fun person, I cannot quite figure out what it is I’m doing wrong. Someone, please tell me, then I ‘ll know what it is I need to do…….