The clouds never really left. They seem to be a fixture of life here...but the anxiety had been gone for a bit. In Feb I went through a few days where I was down...and then I had some anxiety about being down, whether I was relapsing, etc. Turns out it was just a standard mood fluctuation. I'm still getting used to this again since my crash in late December. Learning to readjust to having normal changes in mood. Right now, I'm preparing for a transatlantic move. No set date yet, just a window of time. I'm very stressed about it all. And that stresses has manifested into poor self-care and lots of free-floating anxiety. Finally it got so bad this morning that I took some anxiety meds...which I hate doing. Why do I feel like I failed, like nothing I do will ever make my life better?

Bnet member Lapatosu made a comment once that when she has certain thoughts, she knows it is the depression talking. If they go on long enough no matter what she does, then it's time to talk with the pdoc. Her words are comforting me today...as a week and a half ago I felt I was doing great! As these self-defeating thoughts run through my head I'm trying to take a step back and realize that it's the depression talking. They are simply thoughts - not reality. But darn it's exhausting.

My BB friends have been great guideposts and supporters...this winter would have been considerably darker without them, and it was pretty dark to start with! I'm reminded that the fact I can even stress about moving in a few months is amazing, when shortly after Christmas the thought of the next day caused me so much pain that I could only cry about it.

May I know peace, May I live with ease, May I know happiness

And may all of you experience the same things...