Last thursday morning my daughter-in-laws Mother called me to tell me her brother who is 28 has died.  She asked me to pick her up and bring her to my house.  I do this and try my best to minister to her knowing exactly how she is feeling.  We learn it is a heart attack that has taken his life.  I handle what I can for her and try to console her until her other sons can come to town to be with her and drive her home.  I gather my thoughts and ask my prayer group to pray for her and the family.  I gather some food and my children and go to her house to serve her family.  I call her daughter-in-law and ask if I may come and serve them the next day.  My prayer group organized enough food for both households, we take the food to both families so that they will have enough food for the long weekend without being burden with cooking.  I spend the visitation time with my daughter-in-law and her family taking time to have alittle one on one with Heather(daughter-in-law) she needed some clothing so I took her shopping.  She was released from rehab for her brothers funeral.  She is amazing, strong and clear minded.  I am amazed at her growth and the strenght that she now has and is able to share with her family.  My sons death 4 and a half years earlier shattered her life and now she is this wonderful strong woman who is going to help her family through this walk of grief, I am amazed by her glory.  After the funeral she tells me that she loves me so and I tell her I love her more, so much more.

Then the very next day my sister comes to my house and raises cane an disrespects me in my own house, so I ask her to leave and after asking her a second time she is yelling and cursing at me but she leaves and now she has blown this whole thing up on the internet and with our family!  How can something so wonderful and moving happen one day and the very next your shot down to a place where you just want to hide.  To retreat and lick your wounds.  My daughter in law and I have a new beginning and I feel like my sister and I have come to the end of our road.  Is it wrong to want to close the door on her and never look back?

Just a few minutes ago I sent my 9 year old and 3 year old adopted boys off with their GJ(Grandmother) for a visit with their biologicial Mother.  The 9 year old is my son's(deceased) son the 3 year old is his brother, their birth Mom is locked up in State rehab.  I'm so happy for her to get to see them but at the same time I am having a hard time explaining to the 3 year old who she is.  The 9 year old knows that she is his Mother and that I'm his Grandmother but he calls me Mom and I have had him for over 2 1/2 years, the 3 year old only knows me as his Mommy I have had him since he was 7 months.  All day I have been preparing him for going to see Heather but he keeps asking me why? I asked him didn't he like her and don't you want to spend some time with GJ and he said yes but why are we seeing Heather.  I have never planned to keep the truth of who his birth parents are but at what age do you say that's your Mom and I'm your adopted Mom?  I don't want to confuse him and I realize when she is out of rehab that the subject is going to come up more often, she is my daughter-in-law and I love her very much.  The fact is that he is my son I adopted him and we(my husband and I) did all that CPS asked us to do and spent 14,000 dollars to keep them out of the states system all the while she used drugs and fluffed it all off like it wasn't real.  The oldest has been through so much with his Daddy(my son's death) and then losing his Mom, I just want to spare the baby all the pain that I can.  Anyone have any insite on this matter I would love to hear it!  Thanks in advance for any help.

Last evening I sat in on the end of a Grief Share recovery group, I have been in a grief group for 9 years.  I decided to preview this program because I've commited myself to start and lead this group for my church family next September.  Wow what an awesome group(Bible based) true recovery!  Not a bunch of people just venting about their grief but really learning to use tools and their faith to recover.  To rejoice in their recovery and not feel as if you let go of the pain you are letting go of the memories.  The pain and the memories do not have to go hand in hand.  Our DASH holds so much more than PAIN its love and joy and happiness...CELEBRATE IT!  Stop defining your loved ones by the moment of their death...use the dash to define them!

Kayla Dec 2,1981-Jan 13,1982

Randy April 21,1983-Dec 1,1999

Donnie May 29,1980-Nov 14,2004

it's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years!

I celebrate you all my beloved children

As I grew sometimes the thought WHY came into play, why me why us?  In 81 I had my second child a girl and she never came home from the hospital.  Six weeks of a roller coaster life and then...why, how could this happen to me.  Is God punishing me for something?  I stayed in my faith for awhile but ended up turning away feeling like God wasn't with me anymore.  Years passed and I had two more boys then my oldest sister died in a car accident in 88.  I started to feel like the answers were not what I needed but Gods silent words were.  I started to read his word but I didn't live in it.  If I didn't go to worship I would send my children with my Mother.  In 99 my life fell apart again my third child a boy 16 had missed the bus and had walked 2 blocks to the main road at the front of our subdivision and as a man came over on the shoulder to pass a turning truck he hit my son.  My son was declared brain dead and we donated his organs.  My cries to God were WHY,WHY,why me?  How could this be happening to me AGAIN?  What could I do?  how could I go on?  I won't lie I fell apart for a while, then I started to realize what I had not only what I had lost.  My children the ones who were alive.  I had two older boys and twins that were only two at this time.  I was at the store with my son who was 11 and someone came up to me and said your Randy's mom aren't you and I said yes.  They told me a story about how my son had touched their life, after we left my son says to me"Your my Mom too".  I realized that day that I needed to be everything that I was before for my children who were alive now.  I pulled myself up and forced myself to have fun to enjoy my life.  You know fake it until you make it.  In 2004 my oldest son died in a car accident forever changing me again.  My son who was 11 was now 16 and someone said to him "Your Moms that woman who buries her children" and "Wonder what God is punishing her for"this caused my son so much pain.  God is good and great and he isn't punishing me or my children He is fulfilling his wish for me!  My gift my talent from him to show others that Faith,Hope and Love can get you through anything.  I have faith that they are with God, I have hope that someday I will see them again and I love my God my life and my family and No tragic event is going to change that!  So as I walk with death so close but My God is holding my hand...AMEN

This is my first entry and I would like to share my walk.  As a little girl I grew up in a large family which was great your never alone.  I was raised in a christian home and as they call us I'm a Church of Christ pew baby it is all I've ever known.  At the age of 9 my father went into the hospital to have some dental work and when he came home it was in a coffin.  He was a stay at home Dad so our world was forever changed.  He walked me to school everday and came to school to pick us up for lunch too!  Since my routine changed I started going to my Mothers work and sitting on the steps and cried during lunch, children were not recognized as Grieving back the in the early 70's.

I had many dreams of my Father and he always told me to be easy on my Mother that she was having a hard time with this too.  I started sleeping with her and slept in her bed until I was 13.  My siblings handled Dads death in different ways, my brother who was 13 got a job and became a man that years.  Not sure if he ever really was a kid.  Two of my sister were married already, another blamed herself for Dads passing and my other sister just a few years older than me went to war with my Mother over any and everything.  She was grieving the parent that she felt loved her the most and understood who she really was.

During this time in my life I would look soulfully in the mirror deep into my own eyes and sometime become afraid other times I swear the eyes looking back at me were not my own.  It is hard to explain but eyes speak without words and in a large family speaking without words sometimes is easier to hear.  This was only the beginning for me I have walked with God and death my entire life!