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    Another day...

    Friday, January 11, 2008, 1:50 PM [General]

    And another chance to make it good!

    More changes in my world since last posting. I am now officially unengaged, I've restarted cigar smoking (shame on me) and I feel better than I have in months!

    I broke it off with Whatshisface about a week ago after months of feeling depressed and miserably lonely. I couldn't quite pinpoint why I was so unhappy, but as it turns out, it was because I was in an unhealthy relationship and once I made the call to end it, after about five minutes of hysterical crying, I realized that not only was my heart not broken, but that I was so relieved, it was as if the weight of the world had been lifted from me. Sure I miss what good memories we made and it is sad to consider the good memories we never will make, but it obviously wasn't meant to be and I know I'm better off for having the courage to get out of a negative situation.

    As far as my beloved daughter goes, she's more and more of a miracle with each new day. She is currently learning to feed herself with utensils and is beginning to use recognizeable words. She is without a doubt a social creature and an absolute delight! I never in my wildest dreams invisioned such a friendly, happy, well-adjusted and darling little girl. She is truly a blessing in every sense of the word.

    Well, more later, but for now it's time to go run errands and play the part of the domestic!

    Blessed be!!!

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    Back in the saddle again

    Sunday, November 25, 2007, 2:57 PM [General]

    Well, I've officially gone back to my old job. Even though I went in with my head held high, I crawled back with my tail between my legs. I am beyond humbled to go back to what was once my store to have the soon-to-be new manager come in and quiz me on the important basics of her shiny new store. Yes, part of me is very relieved to know I won't be pulling any more 70 or 80 hour workweeks, unless I'm looking into MAJOR overtime, but there's another part of me that mourns for my store. I worked so incredibly hard to get myself into that particular store as manager, and when push came to shove, it was more than I could handle. In some ways, I am truly disappointed in myself, but beyond all else, I know that at least now my daughter knows who Mommy is, aside from some figure that changes her diaper and gives her a bottle early in the morning before she gets up and comes in to give her a kiss on the cheek late at night after she's gone to bed.

    Aaaaaahhh! I hate that my life is so work-involved! It's very true that I could never be really happy staying inside all the time to be a stay-at-home mother, but nothing would give me greater pleasure that to spend time with my family, Tony included, and occasionally go out and involve myself in community events, maybe hold a minor part-time job on the side. All I'd need is a little something that would get me out of the house every so often and I'd be good to go.

    What a nice dream...

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    I've taken the first step

    Wednesday, November 21, 2007, 8:25 PM [General]

    Earlier today, I officially contacted the "perfect" job's headquarters and informed them of their local dm's actions with her employees as well as let them know that should they not take a stand against what she did and make an attempt to rectify the matter, I will be more than happy to get my family lawyer and the local chapter of the ACLU in on the problem. I have a bad feeling that, despite my efforts, nothing will be done to fix the issue and this crooked, disgusting district manager will keep on treating people like crap.
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    Great time to quit smoking...

    Wednesday, November 21, 2007, 1:28 AM [General]

    Well, I've done it. I've officially done it. For a while now, I've been a regular cigar smoker but, as of this morning, I am a non-smoker. And oh boy, has the stress been piling up to compensate!

    My fiancee, hereafter simply referred to as Tony, has had some major stress himself these past few days. His mother, Melody, was diagnosed with a very serious heart condition and had to undergo bypass this past Monday. She came through it just fine and, as of the last report, was about to be moved out of ICU and into a regular hospital room. The prognosis is that she'll be ready to return home to extremely light activity by the end of the week. I'm very pleased that her situation is turning out so well, however it leaves Tony completely alone for Thanksgiving. The other member of his household, his Aunt Linda, will be visiting some of her other family, so the entire holiday will see him by himself.

    I, of course, can't just drop everything and go out to him, even if only for a brief visit, because if I want to maintain my family and my household, I'll have to maintain my job and being in retail means that I'm now in a complete blackout period. No time off for me.

    As far as Tony is concerned, there are times when I wonder if we're ever going to be together and this whole engagement thing is little more than a miserable joke. Even without being legally tied, we bicker and argue constantly and the whole matter of which one of us has to move so that we can be a real family is a major bone of contention.

    I've truly quit smoking, but I can't quit Tony, not even if the constant unhappiness makes me wish I could.

    As for my precious baby Alexandra, she fell against my leg today and bit into her tongue so badly that her mouth filled with blood to the point where it dribbled down her suit. I know it was just a minor injury and will heal quickly, but that's my baby and she got hurt! MY little girl got HURT. I knew she was bound to get hurt sooner or later and I know it will happen many more times throughout her life, but seeing her bleeding and crying just broke my heart and made me feel like the worst mother in the world. My only compensation is that when I was a baby, my mother accidentally dropped me on my head and at least I haven't done that! (Hey, maybe that explains why I'm such a nutjob... hmmmm. :)

    Mom, (Janet), is doing much better with her wounded arm, but still looks like somebody took a butcher knife to her and there's no question that it still greatly pains her. She's a trooper though, no doubt, and maintains her end of our domestic duties beautifully.

    As for myself, I'm an absolute basketcase. I'm going crazy missing Tony and wanting him to be here, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of cleaning that needs to be done in my house and, with each time I stop and think about my work situation, I am so disheartened and truly ashamed. My life is in a true state of chaos right now and my emotions aptly reflect that. I feel as though I'm in a downward spiral; in an eternal circle of distress. Thank Creator for my few escapes and moments of peace! Without these brief interludes, I'd have started screaming long ago.

    It sure seems as though I'm depressed and upset all the time, doesn't it? Truthfully, I am often depressed and upset and with all that's recently been thrown at me I do spend most of my days trying to talk myself out of the gloom. My bright spots, though, are constant - my Creator, my Alexandra, my mom (quarrels and all), my internet ;), and help to hold me up when my "bootlaces" are ready to snap. I recognize and am grateful for the good things in my life.

    I think I'm starting to celebrate Thanksgiving early. Good for me!

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    I'm so alone...

    Monday, November 19, 2007, 6:50 PM [General]

    Another day of bickering in my household and I have absolutely nobody to talk to. My mother has found a wonderful friend in our next door neighbor and, unfortunately for me, I was privvy to part of their latest telephone conversation which was, much to my embarrassment, about the latest disturbance in my home. While I'm very glad that my mother has a nearby friend with whom to "get things off her chest," I was insulted that this other person is now in on our family's problems. As for me, I don't have anybody around to talk with. I refuse to talk to the neighbor, as it would not only create a conflict of interest, but would break my family's confidence. Here, however, where I am an e-identity, I have some solace and can express what weighs so heavily on my heart.

    I know my mother loves me but it seems that I just can't do much of anything right. I don't know if it's the change in antidepressants, the sudden loss of my "perfect" job, the daunting task of truly cleaning my house, the sadness that comes with knowing the father of my daughter is miles and miles away and has no intentions of coming back to be with us any time soon, general distress or, in all likelihood, all of the above, but I'm seriously unhappy with no signs of alleviation.

    I am so tired of feeling alone and lonely and I have no idea what I can do to ease my distress save for prayer and spending all the time that I can with my baby girl. She is, without question, the only person I really have - all the time, no questions asked, no conditions. Thank Creator I have somebody. Without my beloved angel, I would truly be alone.

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    My, how things do change

    Monday, November 19, 2007, 1:17 AM [General]

    So much has happened since last I wrote and I can't help but wonder if there are enough characters allowed here to chronicle it all.

    My latest sob story begins with the simple and miserable truth that after only three days of training, I was dismissed from my perfect new job because, and this is verbatim from the DM, "I just have a gut feeling that you're not right for our company." Wow. As I'm writing this, I'm simultaneously reliving it and I'm still flabbergasted and appalled at the nonchalance of the DM and of the pathetically laughable excuse she gave for firing me. In the end, however, one thing is undeniably true. I have no wish whatsoever to work for a "company" that fires it's employees based on whims. When there's no such thing as even the slightest bit of job security, what kind of job can a person really have? And furthermore, what kind of horrid work environment does that offer employees when one day life is peachy and the next can see you given the boot and an in-your-face lie that "I'm so sorry to have to do this?" Please forgive my rant - I have a great deal of anger and sadness built up in me as a result of this absurdity and I'm working some of it out here and now.

    Fortunately for me, (at least as far as supporting my family monetarily goes), I've been taken back at my old place of employ, but in a less demanding capacity which, while it will certainly give me better work hours and more time to spend with my family, affords me a much smaller paycheck. Despite this, I know my family will survive, and my DM at my old place is going to keep an eye out for me for other store openings so that should a local store need a manager, I can assume that position. I'm grateful that my DM has been and continues to be such an angel to me. She is truly a blessing.

    Also on the plus side is that my fiancee is assisting in the care of not only our daughter, but of my whole family as well. He has been steadfast and true in supporting our little girl since we first came to our amicable agreement, but now he has voluntarily upped his support and is, quite literally, saving our hides. I love that man more than words could ever adequately express and feel our separation with acute pain. I continually pray for his return to our daughter and I.

    I have this upcoming week off, which allows me time to get my household affairs in order and attempt to get myself in order as well. I know that with the loss of the new job, that particular change simply wasn't meant to be, but it hurts my heart to no end to have been cast aside so easily and meaninglessly.

    Another ray of hope has been dimmed for me and all that keeps me going are my loved ones. Thank the Creator for them all.

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    Got to admit it's getting better

    Thursday, November 8, 2007, 7:00 PM [General]

    Well, things have certainly changed since last I wrote.

    For starters, I am officially out of the old job and all that lies ahead is promise and excitement!!! I begin training with my new company on Monday, November 12th and then, after a week of tutelage and guidance, I'm off and running in my shiny new store! For the record, I am the daughter of an old hippie, so I could happily live in my new store and the setting is absolutely perfect for someone such as myself.

    As if that isn't awesome enough, my DM at my previous job has set things up for me to go in the home office system as taking a personal leave of three months so that, should I decide this new position really isn't for me, I can go back to my old job in SM capacity and at the same rate of pay. For all of the problems and unhappiness I've had, my last DM has been just fantastic to me and leaving her is the hardest part of all.

    Things are very difficult with my fiancee and I don't think that much of anything - save for him bridging the distance and coming out here to live with his daughter and I - can change that. I love him more than words could ever express and I feel his absence as a physical pain, but this long distance relationship is killing me. It's very easy to see why so many long distance relationships don't work. It's hell.

    Despite this, however, we've decided to keep going and to remain "engaged," (although he's still awaiting his divorce from his first wife - so I guess I know where I rank in the grand scheme of things!), for the simple reason that we just can't live without each other. It's torture on a daily basis to love him so madly and completely and not be able to see or even touch him. I'm going crazy, but as I'm already crazy, I'm pretty much par for the course!

    My daughter is as beautiful and wonderful as ever, although with each new day, she becomes more of an independent spirit and is bent on testing her limits. Booger! :P

    My mom is doing remarkably well, although still in a great deal of pain from her arm wound. She's such an incredible trooper, though, and is handling both herself and her situation with grace and aplomb.

    Life is still a mess, without a doubt, but it's a mess that's worth working through and is truly getting better all the time.

    Oy gevault, Shalom and Blessed Be.

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    Everything all at once!!!

    Sunday, November 4, 2007, 11:07 PM [General]

    I am so incredibly tired and it appears that this isn't going to change any time soon.

    I'm going through a major life upheaval - I'm completely worn out, scared, sad and unsure of anything. I've just gotten another job as a store manager for a small but awesome retail chain, but I still have one week left at my job from hell and I pretty much can't just leave the horrid job to take a week to collect myself before the new job begins as it would put my family in a relatively serious money crisis.

    I'm theoretically engaged, but the man to whom I'm engaged is still married to the woman he married about a month before I had the daughter that he and I created. He lives approximately 800 miles away and absolutely refuses to come to live in the same city with me until he has all his affairs in order which, at the rate he is going, will never happen. As a matter of fact, I have decided tonight that the time has come to be un-engaged to him until, at the very least, he's legally available.

    I have a phenomenally beautiful and well-behaved 15-month-old little girl who is the light of my life and my reason for living, but I rarely get to see her. Honestly, I'm just grateful that she recognizes Mommy.

    I live with my disabled mother who is both my sanity and my utter craziness. She is an extraordinary woman who has gone through more health complications than there are names for and despite her many hardships has always beaten her awful odds. Most recently, she tripped over one of our cats, slid on a no-skid kitchen mat and impaled her upper right arm on a blunt cabinet knob, which ultimately left her with a jagged, gaping wound roughly five inches across, two inches wide and at least one inch deep. This injury is certainly one of her more impressive ones! Despite these difficulties, she is the only person in the whole world who has always been there for me and while I am chomping at the bit, so to speak, to get out on my own, there is no way I could leave her. We're meant to be together.

    Lately I've been missing my daily dosage of antidepressants and I'm starting to feel the repercussions of that faux pas. I'm on the verge of tears all the time and I just want to be left alone. I want to crawl into bed, under my covers, go to sleep and never wake up. But I know I can't do that. I have to keep going. I have to keep fighting. Not for myself - I haven't the slightest idea what to do to help myself. I have to keep fighting for my daughter and my mother.

    I have to keep going. I have no choice.

    I am so sad, so weary and so lost. My family is all I have to keep me grounded. My head is barely above water. Otherwise, all that's left for me is to drown.

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