Of course I then needed to figure out what tools I needed to remove the door. One thing always leads to another. Memories of what my husband did in the past are a huge help.

So off into the garage I go to find a rachet gizmo that'll fit. I wound up bringing in a case with, at least what I think are call rachets, but the case had water in it, some were getting some rust on them.

So for the rest of today, I have emptied and cleaned the case, still working on the numerous mixed up parts to clean and organizing them, adding some w-d 40 to them. I started off using alcohol and q-tips because I figured the alcohol would dry quick and not cause more rust. Then tried rubbing oil into them. I am almost done, then need to find the one that actually fits the darn nut on the oven to remove it. I've got a container to put the parts in so they don't get lost.

If there's a handy man out there, please advise me to anything else that I should know about.

Thanks in advance, Linda

But…

What I would do is get them into a bereavement group as soon as possible, before they even wound up in a very possible confusing situation.

I would say that is being a very good friend, to look up where there are groups and physically take my friend there. Even if I had to sit there with them during the session, but after what I have been through, I believe it to be of VERY HIGH importance to talk to people having been through it already.

 I shouldn't even say dating… but things just happen… people just meet up and during that time you're looking for the person you've lost and your vulnerable. After so many years of marriage… you are lost and simply want to get your life back. You don't want to hurt anyone... and you're not even looking for someone to replace… or at least not consciously? Maybe a shoulder to cry on, a live person to get angry at, someone to share feelings with, just talking.

 Of course it depends on who you are, but sometimes looking to outsiders to talk to is best; meaning people in the bereavement group.

 As much as family and friends mean well and you know that… there isn't a whole lot that anyone can say to really comfort you. Words just come out all wrong at times, lets face it, and we've all done it. And if your mind is racing as mine was, so many people doing their best to help, it's all going around and around in your mind and doesn't make any sense.

 The bottom line to remember is that you're going to change as you go along… depends on your situation too..  As you work your way through the healing steps… You might find that you distance yourself from people that you have known because they are a constant reminder of your loss. Some people/family may distance them selves from you because they can't handle the reminder.

 I remember thinking to myself… Well if someone new won't help me now, then I don't want him later. Because that's love… taking the bad with the good… being there when you need them most.

I hope this helps someone today… Although I feel kind of scattered.

Remember what my husband told me.. do what you have to do, do what makes you happy.

God Bless

1. Denial-- I didn't think that I was in denial, but now I know that I was. I tried to keep it a secret from everyone. After all, if they could have viewed what was going on in my head during those first few months or better, they surely would have put me away in a rubber room. Or at least that was how I felt, no one understands until they've been through it all. When people would say that I was in denial, I would say denial from what? I know that my husband is gone forever. Yet where ever I went, I found myself looking for him.

2. Anger-- Everyone kept telling me that I would feel anger at God, my husband, etc... But I couldn't find that anger. Or at least I didn't think I did because I knew that my husband didn't want to leave me. I didn't think that I was angry at God because I no longer believed that there even was a God... How could God take such a good man like this? How could he hurt us like this? So I couldn't be angry at someone that I didn't believe even existed anymore. Instead, I was angry at a family member that is a nun from the Roman catholic church. I was angry at my pastor from the Methodist church. Eventually I made peace with them, admitting to myself that yes, I was angry at God...

3. Bargaining-- You don't know what you got until you lose it. My husband spoiled me, it had turned into a game actually. I guess this goes with Step 1. Denial, because while I was looking for him, I would say to myself... Please, if I can find him, I will kiss his feet, things will be different this time. I didn't deserve to be treated like a queen. I was supposed to die first, because I was older then he.

4. Depression-- I never thought that I would be able to move on. No matter where I was, there was a dark cloud around me, like I was sitting in a tunnel, It was a mix between a spiraling tunnel and roller coasters constantly. It was when the autopsy report arrived when the bottom of this tunnel opened up and I fell through. That was when I knew I needed to find some sort of therapy. I called the hospital, and was told I could have 2 free appointments, then would need insurance coverage. I didn't have a job, no insurance, but knew that I had to talk to an outsider. It had not clicked in my mind that the hospital was the last place that I had seen my husband and he was gone already. I was o.k., until I stopped the car in the parking lot and then it his, I lost it. With my car windows closed I thought I was safe from anyone hearing me and just let it all out.. When I got out of my car, a man called out to me, asked me if he could give me a hug. Embarrassed, I yelled out NO! and proceeded to force myself into the hospital. Amazingly the therapist/Reverend told me I would get through it and gave me one more appointment. then I was on my own again. Now I feel bad about the man that offered me a hug, how could I have been so rude?

5. Acceptance-- I've finally come to sensible terms now within myself that taking each moment slowly to move on into a new lifestyle is what is helping. I keep on working on it and somehow an Angel appears out of nowhere to guide me in the right direction.  It has been quite a thankful awakening.

I'll come back with an update or a past thought as I remember to do so. Meanwhile, if anyone else out there has a need to participate in my thoughts, feel free to do so. I am here not just for myself, but to hopefully shed some light on why you may feel the way that you do and know that you too will make it. God Bless

Just a reminder to myself that maybe my next post could be about when is to soon to date again?