It's been almost two years since my husband's death and being back to this Beliefnet website. Now I feel bad that I didn't start this journal earlier because just maybe I may have been able to help someone else along the way. Maybe we could have helped each other. Simply put, I just was not ready to do that. Now I am ready to slowly add on another step here, putting it in writing, a big step that I've not been able to do, a part of my 5th. step through my grieving process.

1. Denial-- I didn't think that I was in denial, but now I know that I was. I tried to keep it a secret from everyone. After all, if they could have viewed what was going on in my head during those first few months or better, they surely would have put me away in a rubber room. Or at least that was how I felt, no one understands until they've been through it all. When people would say that I was in denial, I would say denial from what? I know that my husband is gone forever. Yet where ever I went, I found myself looking for him.

2. Anger-- Everyone kept telling me that I would feel anger at God, my husband, etc... But I couldn't find that anger. Or at least I didn't think I did because I knew that my husband didn't want to leave me. I didn't think that I was angry at God because I no longer believed that there even was a God... How could God take such a good man like this? How could he hurt us like this? So I couldn't be angry at someone that I didn't believe even existed anymore. Instead, I was angry at a family member that is a nun from the Roman catholic church. I was angry at my pastor from the Methodist church. Eventually I made peace with them, admitting to myself that yes, I was angry at God...

3. Bargaining-- You don't know what you got until you lose it. My husband spoiled me, it had turned into a game actually. I guess this goes with Step 1. Denial, because while I was looking for him, I would say to myself... Please, if I can find him, I will kiss his feet, things will be different this time. I didn't deserve to be treated like a queen. I was supposed to die first, because I was older then he.

4. Depression-- I never thought that I would be able to move on. No matter where I was, there was a dark cloud around me, like I was sitting in a tunnel, It was a mix between a spiraling tunnel and roller coasters constantly. It was when the autopsy report arrived when the bottom of this tunnel opened up and I fell through. That was when I knew I needed to find some sort of therapy. I called the hospital, and was told I could have 2 free appointments, then would need insurance coverage. I didn't have a job, no insurance, but knew that I had to talk to an outsider. It had not clicked in my mind that the hospital was the last place that I had seen my husband and he was gone already. I was o.k., until I stopped the car in the parking lot and then it his, I lost it. With my car windows closed I thought I was safe from anyone hearing me and just let it all out.. When I got out of my car, a man called out to me, asked me if he could give me a hug. Embarrassed, I yelled out NO! and proceeded to force myself into the hospital. Amazingly the therapist/Reverend told me I would get through it and gave me one more appointment. then I was on my own again. Now I feel bad about the man that offered me a hug, how could I have been so rude?

5. Acceptance-- I've finally come to sensible terms now within myself that taking each moment slowly to move on into a new lifestyle is what is helping. I keep on working on it and somehow an Angel appears out of nowhere to guide me in the right direction.  It has been quite a thankful awakening.

I'll come back with an update or a past thought as I remember to do so. Meanwhile, if anyone else out there has a need to participate in my thoughts, feel free to do so. I am here not just for myself, but to hopefully shed some light on why you may feel the way that you do and know that you too will make it. God Bless

Just a reminder to myself that maybe my next post could be about when is to soon to date again?