I am writing this, for my sake. I dont know if anyone will read it, or will understand what they are reading. Its more for my understanding and expression, as is all that I write and feel. I usually write because I am filled with love for Christ/God. And to express that for me, is how I see my purpose in Him. Today I am writing as a healing of a wound. A wound I would have never felt, would end up with a lack of feeling.     

My husband passed this past April 15th. After fighting a long battle for which he didnt want to give up his life. He suffered more than I believe he should have, due in part, because of iron will, to live. I dont think in the end, he had ever considered what was meant by " the quality of life"? Because he was willing to continue, even when his quality of life, rendered him worse than helpless.

I am grateful that he's no longer in pain. For we both shared in the torture of him wanting to come home, without the ability to do so. For me it was torture, because we had always said we would perfer to pass at home. I realize now it was only me, who felt that way. He was willing to do whatever it took, to keep himself alive, even if those measures, to me, seemed at times, inhuman.

So after 50 years with the same man, I would have thought there would be much to remember. What I found was, this man who I loved, loved his body more. And what I think has  happened to me is, that I realize much of our life together was filled with his illnesses. Illnesses that may have made him believe, more in his doctors being god, than in his GOD? After all, he too was a body worker. So it must be even harder to believe in God at the helm, more than in the doctors we all in a way believe are gods!   

What I realized is, that no matter how great the doctor, they cant give you your last breath. Only God can do that for you. And that no matter how hard you fight for life, if it is your time to go, it would be easier for all concerned , if your loved one could " let go and let God".

If not for my love of Christ, at this time, I believe I would feel much differently than I do. What would I have felt now, had I not been alive in Christ? What would I feel, had not Christ lived within my being, filling me with all the love one could need?           Would I have felt differently regarding this man, who took up so much of my love, life and time? I can only suppose I would have felt differently, had Christ not been here, to fill what would have been felt as a gapping hole, a terrible void.

 But all I can say is, that I no longer feel pain. I am at peace, and am eternally grateful, to Christ/God, who has removed my personal pain, and instead replaced it with the strength of His Love.   

Today I sincerely pray for a man of God, who has enriched so many with his own love of God, yet had no power over the mental illness his child suffered from.

I believe, there is purpose to ever life, and as our government deliberates over the use of    guns. Another example has been given us, by what has happened to this high profile family. That of Rick Warren and his wife.

Maybe its time to stop being concerned about what we cant control, and begin to look to what we can. All we can do is become better people ourselves. We cant control the world, or what we percieve as its injustices. We cant cure those whose mental state is beyond our control, but we can accept with love and compassion an illness that usually is kept quite or shunned by those families who have a member bareing that burden.

There is no greater hell, than feeling separate from the stability of Christ/God.

So today I ask Gods help in surrounding Rick Warrens family with the Grace he has given so many others, yet was denied his son. And I pray that we as a people care more for those who are carring that burden, while we acknowledge ..there by the Grace of God go I.

I was taken out of that state by Gods hand, at a time when I had lost all faith. I know now, my purpose in Him was better served by Him allowing me this experience. I know it had nothing to do with me but all to do with Gods purpose for me. I am, and forever eternally grateful for my salvation by His Him. And because I have felt the horror of mental separation from God, I can ask others to be compassionate to those in whose shoes you would not wish to walk, by constantly Thanking God, for your own purpose in Him.

What does it mean to live in Christs likeness? In the broadest terms it means we are to love one another, as Christ has loved. We all know that at times can be hard enough, especially when those we are supposed to love, ignore our outreach of love, or are even worse dont even see it. We were made to love one another. But liking one another at times, can even be the harder job.

Many of todays Christians have been co -opted by the word "service", as if that is all that is expected of us , to do Gods work. We can be overwhelmed by all that is needed to heal the earth. And as I see it, if Christ couldnt get all those on earth, on board with His principles of love and life, while He was walking on it, who are we to believe we can do more ourselves?

But just as I said that , I heard His words,"You can do all this and more". But can we? Is it our job to heal the earth, or to look to the likeness in us, that will lead us to Heaven? After all, wasnt that His purpose for coming to the earth?

I believe it is the latter. I believe my purpose is not to want to embrace the world with love, but to be the kind of person who would be able to learn to love those around me. And more than that, to forge my being into the likeness of the Beloved.

One love requires an outward view, the other and inward one. I have always believed the true path to Christ was where He said His Kingdom lives..within us. Where He said, He has written on our hearts and on our minds.. And what would a genuine response to our heart and mind be, if not a listening to God who wants us to become His Word, through our inner character.   

How else can we truly love God, if not devoting ourselves to living in His good character? If not to use our good conscience? Not as a tool to shrink us in blame or make us feel lesser than who we are. But to learn to become responsible in how we live in His truth. Living a life in complete TRUTH, is even harder than living a life of Love. Thats why Christ gave us the second rule to follow, He was well aware that to love God with all your heart, mind and soul, requires complete truth!

But we have many who have done so. The only choice we have is to make our life one of service to His Truth or to the outward looking service to others. One will serve God, by learning to accept those who may not ever be quite acceptable. Or to give oneselve completely to learning how to let GOD teach us, how we are to become, in order to fully be devoted to Him ...as the focus of all we need and or want...Him as our Beloved.  

There is a difference in being seen as a character, and being a man OF CHARACTER.

We see characters on TV everyday. Honey Boo Boo is a character. Should we follow her to find our God?

 There are regular people who play characters in movies and TV. We call these people "stars", we have given these talented men, a name that aligns them to elements that illuminate the darkness of night. Are they themselves really who they claim to be? Are they the same as the characters they play, in their own lives? Are they too people we should follow, because we have named them "stars?"

A man of good character, is of God. His character is filled with purpose. With virtues he has developed because of his willingness to seek to be in truth, the likness of Christ.

A character, is not the same as being a person of character. A character is an actor whose personality was formed to fit into the world. It is ones ego, ones mask, the face we show the world.A face that may change, when he goes home and closes the door.

The difference between a man of good character and the fool is, one needs the worlds attention...the other lives soley in the good character of the Christ. 

The difference between Government and God is... one is composed of men, who wish to control society by  making laws, to improve the common good.

The other changes men, for their own good. With a GOOD that lives forever!