My husband passed this past April 15th. After fighting a long battle for which he didnt want to give up his life. He suffered more than I believe he should have, due in part, because of iron will, to live. I dont think in the end, he had ever considered what was meant by " the quality of life"? Because he was willing to continue, even when his quality of life, rendered him worse than helpless.

I am grateful that he's no longer in pain. For we both shared in the torture of him wanting to come home, without the ability to do so. For me it was torture, because we had always said we would perfer to pass at home. I realize now it was only me, who felt that way. He was willing to do whatever it took, to keep himself alive, even if those measures, to me, seemed at times, inhuman.

So after 50 years with the same man, I would have thought there would be much to remember. What I found was, this man who I loved, loved his body more. And what I think has  happened to me is, that I realize much of our life together was filled with his illnesses. Illnesses that may have made him believe, more in his doctors being god, than in his GOD? After all, he too was a body worker. So it must be even harder to believe in God at the helm, more than in the doctors we all in a way believe are gods!   

What I realized is, that no matter how great the doctor, they cant give you your last breath. Only God can do that for you. And that no matter how hard you fight for life, if it is your time to go, it would be easier for all concerned , if your loved one could " let go and let God".

If not for my love of Christ, at this time, I believe I would feel much differently than I do. What would I have felt now, had I not been alive in Christ? What would I feel, had not Christ lived within my being, filling me with all the love one could need?           Would I have felt differently regarding this man, who took up so much of my love, life and time? I can only suppose I would have felt differently, had Christ not been here, to fill what would have been felt as a gapping hole, a terrible void.

 But all I can say is, that I no longer feel pain. I am at peace, and am eternally grateful, to Christ/God, who has removed my personal pain, and instead replaced it with the strength of His Love.   

I believe, there is purpose to ever life, and as our government deliberates over the use of    guns. Another example has been given us, by what has happened to this high profile family. That of Rick Warren and his wife.

Maybe its time to stop being concerned about what we cant control, and begin to look to what we can. All we can do is become better people ourselves. We cant control the world, or what we percieve as its injustices. We cant cure those whose mental state is beyond our control, but we can accept with love and compassion an illness that usually is kept quite or shunned by those families who have a member bareing that burden.

There is no greater hell, than feeling separate from the stability of Christ/God.

So today I ask Gods help in surrounding Rick Warrens family with the Grace he has given so many others, yet was denied his son. And I pray that we as a people care more for those who are carring that burden, while we acknowledge ..there by the Grace of God go I.

I was taken out of that state by Gods hand, at a time when I had lost all faith. I know now, my purpose in Him was better served by Him allowing me this experience. I know it had nothing to do with me but all to do with Gods purpose for me. I am, and forever eternally grateful for my salvation by His Him. And because I have felt the horror of mental separation from God, I can ask others to be compassionate to those in whose shoes you would not wish to walk, by constantly Thanking God, for your own purpose in Him.

Many of todays Christians have been co -opted by the word "service", as if that is all that is expected of us , to do Gods work. We can be overwhelmed by all that is needed to heal the earth. And as I see it, if Christ couldnt get all those on earth, on board with His principles of love and life, while He was walking on it, who are we to believe we can do more ourselves?

But just as I said that , I heard His words,"You can do all this and more". But can we? Is it our job to heal the earth, or to look to the likeness in us, that will lead us to Heaven? After all, wasnt that His purpose for coming to the earth?

I believe it is the latter. I believe my purpose is not to want to embrace the world with love, but to be the kind of person who would be able to learn to love those around me. And more than that, to forge my being into the likeness of the Beloved.

One love requires an outward view, the other and inward one. I have always believed the true path to Christ was where He said His Kingdom lives..within us. Where He said, He has written on our hearts and on our minds.. And what would a genuine response to our heart and mind be, if not a listening to God who wants us to become His Word, through our inner character.   

How else can we truly love God, if not devoting ourselves to living in His good character? If not to use our good conscience? Not as a tool to shrink us in blame or make us feel lesser than who we are. But to learn to become responsible in how we live in His truth. Living a life in complete TRUTH, is even harder than living a life of Love. Thats why Christ gave us the second rule to follow, He was well aware that to love God with all your heart, mind and soul, requires complete truth!

But we have many who have done so. The only choice we have is to make our life one of service to His Truth or to the outward looking service to others. One will serve God, by learning to accept those who may not ever be quite acceptable. Or to give oneselve completely to learning how to let GOD teach us, how we are to become, in order to fully be devoted to Him ...as the focus of all we need and or want...Him as our Beloved.  

Prayer for those we love, is of course a way of keeping the person whose ill, in our thoughts and good will for their hopeful recovery. But for those who are the care takers, a person who is in constant need of attention because of thier ills,can take us away from our God, in the constant need of the other.

Today, I choose to keep my thoughts on Christ/God. Today as another crisis has been presented to me, I choose to focus more on Him, than on the illness which seems to constantly draw me to attend to it. Knowing full well, there is nothing I can do, to heal or help. Knowing full well , that all the care is being given the person who is in need of His healing. And that this time is better spent on keeping my thoughts on the only person who can truly give anyone their daily life!

So today, I will give all my thoughts to Christ. I will seek His counsel, rather than rush to a place where all I will see, is a bed and my loved one in it. Instead, I will look to my God, as those around him are doing what they are trained to do. To help God heal his body. I will write these words, rather than focus on what I can not do, to help him regain his strength. And as those in whose charge it is to care for his well being while he again needs tests taken to determine what it is that is expressing itself, in his constant need for suffering..I will seek Christs mercy, for him. I will ask that whatever it is, that my loved one needs to learn during this time, he can learn with less pain and physical suffering. I will seek Christs help to understand that God doesnt give us suffering, it is our separation from him, that does. And with this understanding, I will pray today, that my loved one , lean on Christ for all he needs to understand. So that his illnesses will no longer be needed for him to grow greater in his understanding of Gods purpose in him.

So today when I was able to get back onto Belief-net, I felt as if I was indeed, again Home.

I have been writing my thoughts and feelings regarding my relationship with my God/Christ, for more years now than I can even remember. All I know is , that when I write HERE, it does in a way, feel like home.

The illness of a loved one, took me away from here , so that I could give him the needed attention required, to help him hold onto He in whose life, we all commend our spirit too.

He still has a way to go, but he is closer to home, than he had been two months ago.

So thank all who prayed us through the darkness of  the valley of death, for he indeed was at deaths door.

All Glory to He who continues to give us life, for His purpose in us..so that we in our marriage can grow closer in understanding Christ as the Beloved. For without Christ as the center of all our lives, we will never have the fulfillment our Souls need to experience, as the purpose of our being..

Thank you who knew and prayed, and all who love to speak here about Christ, even if no one ever reads your words...