If every thought had an explanation If every dream became an answered prayer If every human knew their destination If every life could only care Time over time it is hard to see Time over time it is hard to breather Time over time it is hard to set my soul free Time over time Forever searching my destiny Feelings of hatred overcome me Feelings of misery over take me Feelings of sorrow over whelm me Feelings of distress over turn me Love is to care deeply Love is to sore freely Love is to believe meaningfully Love is to never be lonely Each day becomes closer to my prayers Each day a little more misery disappears Each day a new breath and closer to my hearts cure Each day I begin to concure my greatest fears
Sometimes all the stress that surrounds me just makes me want to sleep forever. Some might say this is a sign or being depressed or a sign of feeling no self worth. Is this true? If one just wishes to sleep his or her stress away what makes this wrong? Who is to say it is wrong?
I have been down this road many of times. All i want to do is cry myself to sleep in hopes that the next day wont arrive. When stress takes over my mind, my body, my soul it makes me so weak i barely can stand upright. Maybe it is a sign of falling into depression, although for me this feeling was not of no self worth and no longer wanting to live, this feeling for me was myself as a human being, allowing so much negativity into my life and what surrounds my life that i litterly became so confused about what to do or how to let the positives in my life overtake the negative issues.
So where does one go when this happens? When so much negative enters our being how do we get it out? All humans have different needs to help them cope with issues in life they may face. Some may need therapy while some just need time to works things out on their own. WHATEVER YOU DO...DO NOT RUN FROM YOUR PROBLEMS; THAT SHADOW BEHIND YOU, NEVER GOES AWAY.
While insearch for what seemed like forever, to find what helpped me, i faced so many trial and errors that i felt like i no longer could see. I tried therapy, but i could not open up to someone i did not know so that did not work for me. I tried just being alone to think about my own thoughts and what i allowed in my life and that only made me wish to no longer be. So one day i picked up a pen a just started to write all of my feelings and every thought that ran through my mind down on paper and the outcome was a miracle. What i felt was a sense of relief. Because i was not sure and could not pin point what was bothering me it drove me insane, but i found out by writing even though it was making no sense as i was writing it down, when i reread it, it was all the current problems that were facing me. Some inwhich i had no idea ever existed inside of me. I took all the information that i had written on those pieces of paper and sorted it from priorty one to the last priorty. I decided what issue was in dier need to be worked out to the ones that were less effecting my life. Next came dealing with them head on whether i wanted to or not. One at a time and taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME, i focused my energy on the positives that were entering my and eliminating the negatives.
NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE A COMPLETE POSITIVE LIFE WITH NO NEGATIVES, because there has to be a balance, but life within one human becomes the feeling of worthwhile when they within themselves ACCEPT the fact that accidents and mistakes will happen not only within themselves but with the people they surround themselves with. NO ONE IS PERFECT. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, AND BELIEVE YOU TOO CAN OVERCOME THE OBSTICLES THAT WE FACE IN OUR DAILY LIVES. When one can distinquish the difference between positive and negative influences then one can learn to keep a healthy balance between the too....
FOR THE RULE DOES NOT LIE, ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE
SO IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED HELP GO GET IT! DON'T WAIT AROUND FOR THE DAY YOU FALL SO FAR THAT PEOPLE ARE MORANING OVER YOUR DEAD BODY, THERE IS NO HARM IN ASKING OR SEEKING HELP IF YOU CANNOT HELP YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT CAN HELP, BUT IF YOU DON'T MAKE THE FIRST EFFORT TO HELP YOURSELF, OTHER MAY NOT EVEN REALIZETHAT YOU NEED IT.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Life can change in a blink of an eye. One moment everything is good and the next moment the unthinkable happens. Regardless what that situation that has turned your life upside down may be, it’s important to remember that time marches on and so will you. Whether it be a ticket you can not afford, a weight gain you can not seem to get rid of, or a love gone wrong, it is imperative that you remember that no matter what happens when you feel like you have hit rock bottom things only can get better from there.
Learning to forgive myself has been one of the most difficult tasks of my life. Although what I have come to learn is that if we as human beings go through life with a constant stress of a past occurence or occurences, it will only prevent us from living life to its fullest potential. When holding an issue within ourselves becomes so deeply embedded in our soul, it creates a brick wall around our hearts, making it almost impossible to care for, become involved with, or even love another. I know this to be true, because me myself has been a victim of holding on to a burden of self blame, self shame, and self hatred over unforgived matters within. My road to self hatred started when I was a child. My father was an alcoholic that was mentally and emotionally abusive towards me. I never truly understood why he was always angry with me as a kid, yet I was not essentially old enough to understand it had a lot to do with his alcoholism. I felt as if he blamed me for everything and that in itself made me blame myself as well. For instance if my older sister walked across the road when it was strictly forbidden, I felt as if I was the one who got blamed for her crossing. Some may say that is not fair, and their right, but sometimes that is how the disease of alcoholism works. For me, growing up and being the face that was always catching the heat from my biological father created me to put up an emotional wall blocking anyone from getting close to my heart. As the preteen years began, my soul only grew weaker. I had a hard time trusting anyone. As the years past me by and my teenage years approached rapidly I felt a sense of hatred continue to build inside me. In my mind set I figured all I had to do was get out from underneath my fathers rulings then I would feel better about myself as well as my existence in this world. Although what was suppose to be the time of my life, my teenage years, turned into a self destructive habit and a firm hatred towards not only myself but to anyone that tried to get close to my heart and soul. When blame is all we have, that is not much to be excited over. Forever holding a block of resentment towards another only intensifies the resentment within yourself. As human beings and creatures on this Earth, our understandings of certain principals involving life may become blurred by an unrealistic vision due to an unforgiving nature. Believing you can create a bright outlook for yourself without letting go of past mistakes can have a terrible outcome, I should know because this I have experienced first hand. I fell head over heels for a wonderful man. He was charming and provided me with everything I could possibly want which included what appeared to be a promising future for us. He was someone who cared about me whole heartedly and would not let anyone hurt me. He seemed to be everything that could be good and the best part was that I was finally happy despite the fact that my heart was still being guarded by a brick wall of hatred. Without forgiving myself and forgiving my father anger continued to grow within me even though I pushed it to the side with my happiness. Eventually this hatred created me to do that unthinkable; something I never saw coming. I began to treat this man the same way my father treated me. I had not forgiven my father for all the harmful things he had done and said, yet instead I picked up his hurtful habits of making others feel pain and sorrow to cure the void of my own self shame. Having so much self pity surfing around in my blood eventually caused me to have an unhealthy relationship of nothing but blame. I became unhappy and needless to say so did he. The man that once was nice and polite now felt like he had to forever be on the defense when it came to us. Needless to say the relationship ended. To move through life without realizing that everyone makes mistakes is pretty much asking for directions to a dead end road. Each individual has the power and control to create an understanding and an opportunity to grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect by learning to forgive themselves as well as others when mistakes are made. By making it known to yourself that disappointments and failures may come throughout the course of your life, you learn that everyone no matter how big or small deserves to be forgiven so that you yourself don’t have to continue to hold onto a life that is filled with the darkness and hatred. Once an understanding is created and past slip ups are forgiven a clearer outlook on life will begin to shine through and you too will see that the brighter side of life is worth living and holding onto.
So many years have passed me by With so many laughs yet so many cries Never understanding why my tears over sought my smiles Until I traveled down a road of so many different miles Throughout this journey of the life I have lived Never feeling like I had anything more to give So frightened and so scared of what would come next for me Now realizing that I have been hiding from what ultimately could be Shyness had over taken my body and soul for so long Expressions only seen through the lyrics of a great song For now a new light has shined upon my inner being Brightness so wonderful it has given my life a whole new meaning To live and to love each day I awake Only brings me happiness that no one could fake My graceful hazel eyes glow with every sunrise Reminding me to stay hopeful and strong by letting the negativity fade and die Taking a deep breathe and one step at a time Telling myself I will be just fine Allowing myself to understand there is so much more to this life I live Experiences that have yet to shine through the doors for this world has so much to give
Why do these tears of hurtness continue to fill my eyes
Who am I trying to fool, I know exactly why although it is easier for me to denie
The misfortunes we've faced already, seem to over power my sense of hope
Thinking to myself once again “why do I even try,” each time it's harder to cope
Life is a rocky road with so many twists and turns that can be followed
A straight path here and a sharp curve there, this path takes me into the shadows
Becoming mysterious within my mind, now I begin to venture into a gloomy vicinity
Exhilarating emotions spirial within my body for this is truly the unknown of destiny
Unpromising boundries lay directly ahead, I stare straight into the hazy night curious as to why
A glimpse of a desirable direction flashes infront of me, then I pull away so quickly, do I want to die
Looking out for me is all I've ever came know, to love and respect while looking out for number one
Why should I change my way of living, only to wander to an unfamilur road, all worries with no fun
Knowing myself better than anyone ever could, I know that I will never settle to win a war
Childish acts are so common these days, why participate to me it is only a bore
Curious as to why, I sleep alone at night
Has the relationship with my father become that unreachable, so far out of sight
Forgiveness does not mean reconcilation I once heard, nor how my mind twisted and relived that phrase like it was something new
Like music to my ears, a timeless classic that relaxes and calms ones body, to finally soothe
Believing more and more with each day that passes, I have discovered a way to be souly happy within
For I dislike Not knowning the unknown, I must try to proceed with caution for this could end in sin
Sensitivity to the world as a complete is never goin to be me, yet my heart appears to be slowly healing Rapid thoughts bring curiousity to my soul, what would happen if I began to forgive the ones who harmed me before
Would it be a realisitc ambition for me to start a journey deep within
For it would all start with the day I was born and one immediate kin
Doomed from the start
Who would have thought I would have turned out so smart
Living my life the best that I know how, trying to survive everyday
Walking around so young of age, not caring until the end of the day for where would my head lay
Trials and errors each individual faces on a daily basis, some are small and some are so large you wonder how your going to overcome it all
Not having your errors you never learn through the trials, each step you take forward is another sign of strength within you, and every night when you lay to sleep you have made it through another day now that is the ultimate accomplishment, I truly do know.
As I glance towards the early morning sky Colors of pink, purple, and blue sweep across the atmosphere with barely a shine Way beyond the clouds above appears a single lonesome dreary star Focusing upon this once vibrant accent, insecurities start to take over my mind set, for I feel that I have finally fallen too far One blink of my saddened eyes; that is all it takes now to begin my silent cries This path I have been following is a never ending struggle to keep myself alive Even as I attempt to seize the day one breathe at a time An animosity of self failure arises through my veins; overtaking my soul and any peace of mind Although I know that this painful dismay is not my destiny nor fate Confusion continues to hit me violently; my mentality is once again locked within my own prison gate Stopping to think about where I went so completely wrong, once upon a time I was content and solely mere So many memories consume my thoughts but only one of them is perfectly clear Through the thick skin that appears around my skeleton, to the brick wall that I use to guard my once badly bruised heart, everything has came crashing down like the twin towers did during one September Fall Frightened and scared of the unknown that lays ahead, I feel as if my feelings are about to get trampled on or are they invisible a simple free for all My guard has been broken once more due to the fact that Cupid struck my heart all over again Wishing I could have some closure and allow myself to reconcile thoroughly straight down to my inner core Now I am coming to see the obstacles God has is store for me Maybe this path I am crossing today, will unlock a long lost part of my identity It could be possible, for this I pray; please let this crossroad hold the key to my happiness and finally set my soul free
FOOD FOR THOUGHT: As i sit back and finally get to relax after my long day filled with constant stresses, worries, and disappoints i begin to think about the California's Medical Marijuana Law. Do you realize that over half of the world smokes canabis. I have tried it and more than likely so have you. Marijuana is such a contraversal issue when really it is completely simple through my eyes. My opinion would be for the DEA and other law enforcements to start worrying about the people that are creating deadly Meth Labs, or hustlers on the streets trying to deal herion or cocaine to young teens. Do you realize that in California after the legalization of Marijuana when having an issue Medical License (which is not hard to get, but do your research on the Doctor You Choose), the IRS dipped their hands into this major cash crop of the west's profit. Over 11 million dollars! Why don't they legalize Marijuana, tax it, keep the Medical License Idea, and replenish the economy by allow what would ultimatly become the biggest cash crop in the United States to help the current recession that has harmed everyone in one way or another. Marijuana does basically 3 things: Makes you happy: Makes you Hungary (although after a tolerance is built this feeling goes away which WILL prevent a major increase in Obesity. Studies show Obesity in the United States is mainly created by the growing number of fast food resturant chains around America), and Makes you Sleepy(which could help the numberous of civilians out their who have trouble falling asleep and/or staying asleep instead of doing harm to their internal organs by taking over the counter and/or prescription medication) and i only can help but wonder why do some think this NATURAL miracle plant is so wrong and bad to be around. Take the power away from the drug dealers and tax it. There would be less crime involving Marijuana; if the majority of civilians had the choice to posses or grow their would be no need to try to make MAJOR DRUG DEALS where dangerous fires could errupt because of an illegal house made into pot growing field. If only the government would see how healthy and good Marijuana could be for our economy. SAY YES TO THE LEGALIZATION OF THC AKA MARIJUANA IN THE UNITED STATES.