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    High Holidays

    Saturday, October 25, 2008, 7:11 AM [General]

    I saw this thread before the holidays...I had nothing to many I see. I wanted to, yet I was caught up in things here and just trying to survive. I was depressed over the fact that my wheelchair was completely broke and that I would be totally unable to leave the house at all to attend Rosh Hashanah services, this had me in tears and very very angry at the insurance company, the man who hit me with his truck, and my self for not be able to forgive them and move on. I had felt my life was no longer in my control. I was angry with Trekkie, even though I knew I should not be, because she WAS able to go to services and to sing in the choir that we both practiced for. I was a mess, the whole situation was a mess. On the Friday before RH, Trekkie had to take me into the Emergency Room, I had been running a high temp for almost a month, I was extremely sick, and very weak. When we went to the ER they admitted me. I was there for 9 days, so now I am in the hospital during RH, and not at home, where things were NOT in my control. Not that much was in my control in the hospital but it was different. Trekkie left to go to services in the evening, I was lonely and depressed and on lots of meds and not eating. The had her stay in my room with me. In the a.m. she left early for services. I layed there and I cried, I was beside myself, and could find no good in the situation at all. I felt miserable. I wanted to be at services. I wanted to be with friends.

    Around the middle of the afternoon, there was a knock on my door. A older gentleman appeared and I remembered him as the community hospital Rabbi, he had heard that I was in the hospital, a Catholic hospital, the Priest and Nun had already been there to visit me. Anyway, the Rabbi came in, we talked, he gave me a beautiful calendar, and an awesome booklet with all kinds of prayers, like a mini Siddur, without minyan required. We said a blessing. Then in the middle of my room, there for just me, this man, this humble man, did what no one else had been able to do since my accident with the truck, he made me feel. That simple. He took from his back a small Shofar, and he blew it. For ME.

    When Trekkie came back in the late afternoon, she had anticipated me to be sad, she anticipated me to be very depressed, what she found was me sitting in bed, waiting to share with her my afternoon. Small things. Sometimes that all that a person needs.

    I was released from the hospital the day before Kol Nidre. Trekkie thought with everthing that perhaps I should stay home, I was very weak, they had tried to actually have me transfered to a convulences hospital for a couple a months till I get my strength back. It seems that I am in some kind of Severe Deconditioning mode and everything is shutting done. I wanted to attend services, I wanted to sing in the choir. She went to work and the phone rang, it was the gentleman from Shul who sets up all the readings for services. Trekkie was chanting Torah at the afternoon services, he wanted to know if I would do the Aliyah, I had NEVER done that, EVER. He felt I could. I was so touched I cried the entire day, it does not take much lately. When Trekkie got home I told her she was so happy for me, for us, we would be there as a couple, on Yom Kippur, her chanting me doing the blessing. How special was this, how incredible was this opportunity.

    I went for Kol Nidre and where I sit no one even knew I was there. I do not come out till most of the folks had left, and I was tired and weak so I kinda just waited. The Rabbi's wife came over to talk to me, cuz Trekkie told her I was expecting to fast, so I was instructed that I would not be allowed to under my current condition. So when we went back the next day, no one really new I was out of the hospital. Everyone was really glad to see me as they had not seen me in awhile as we had not been able to attend Shul. The one person in the choir with medical experience happened to sit beside me, and the Cantor's father a retired surgeon behind me. Trekkie is far from me and not able to see me. I was being watched.

    The day was long, it was hard. Yet I was so happy to be there. When the afternoon service came, Rabbi had not heard that I was doing the blessing. He was so happy for me and several folks were there for encouragement. I had practiced and I did it. I was choke up and so moved and touched, and I did it. So perhaps with all that happened and the year we have had, perhaps this will always be the most special High Holidays for me.

    I am struggling to get well. But I have a different vision. I different take on things. All because of a humble man with his Shofar, and a last minute phone call.

    Thank you for the opportunity to share.

    May you all be blessed with a sweet and healthy New Year.
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    Monday, August 25, 2008, 6:23 AM [General]

    Over the past few months I have had to endure alot of stress and struggles.  I keep looking for a day when it will be better, a day when I can awaken and the only thing I might have to be upset over is deciding which shoes to wear.  (I do not really wear but you get the picture right.  I not sure when it all started 2, 3 or 50 years knows...but I am soooo ready for a change.  When my mother died in March of this year, I thought to myself that perhaps the past will leave me and the future will look bright.  I am not going to say that my relationship with my mother or her family was the best, but we tried, I tried.  Her family, well have not really spoken to any of them since I was about 18, well my 18th birthday really, that was the last time I was home, "home" meaning Maine, where my mother was from, I myself grew up in Connecticut.  I spent many many summers in Maine at my uncles summer home.  I was very close with my cousins and my mother's huge family.  But I was not what they wanted, my life was not as they wished it to be, I was less than perfect, I was simply trying to be me.  Not sure if I knew who "me" was, but I felt compelled to find out.  At a huge price, my family.  So when my mother died, it left me with only my sister and her husband as a family.  My ENTIRE family.  My brother and I have not spoken to each other at all in over 30 years.  He called me when our biological fathered died when I was about 23 and asked me to please go to the funeral, I had not planned on it at all.  But I am the oldest and my brother had never asked me anything before, and I thought this was important, I felt that as much as I hated the man, and I had not seen him in almost 12 years at that point, I felt that if I did not go, I might regret it the rest of my life but if I went, well I could perhaps have some closure.  It was very cathartic for me.  The last time I saw him I was 11, he was a big man, with dark black hair, and deep blue eyes, cold steel blue.  I was a child, threaten and abused physically and mentally by this man, and I feared him.  This was the image I had in my head every night for those 12 years.  Through every nightmare.  Every waking moment.  ALWAYS.  So I went to this man's funeral.  This man who was suppose to be a loving father.  I went first to the wake. I remember the funeral director, or whoever, asking me if I would like to view the body.  THE BODY.  I had trepidations for sure.  I mean, at that time I was just starting to get over some of the nightmares, some.  I feared for a moment that it would spiral me back to days of then, days and nights that no human, much less a child should have to endure at the hands of another human being, much less thier own father.  I stood up, took a deep breath and said yes to the director, and followed him to a small room.  I room void of any feeling, even though the they tried I am sure to make the room inviting.  It was tastefully decorated....but void...and very cold.  Then I saw the casket.  A simple plain cold casket.  Draped in red cloth.  No flowers where in the room.  No life.  Just HIM.  And me.  The director left me there alone with the casket, and the lifelessness inside of it.  He closed the door behind him.   It was a small room.  There were a few chairs...and...HIM.  I slowly approached, it took me what seemed hours to get to the casket, which could not have been more than 10 feet away from me.  I moved like an arthritic turtle, on valium.  Stopping every two inches to take a deep breath.  I swear that I developed my asthma (although medically impossible) at that moment, for with every breath I took, my lungs became less inflated and became more constricted.  By the time I reached the casket, I was psychologically sufficating within myself.  My past was encompassing every fiber of my being.  Every fiber but my SOUL.  For I never let this this monster, not as a child and most definately not then have my soul.  I finally reached the casket, drew my last breath, closed my eyes.  When I opened them I became a new person.  For no longer was the man of my youth, my nightmares there.  The big man with the dark hair and cold steel blue eyes was but a shriveled up shadow of a man.  Years of alcohol addiction and liver disease had left nothing but a yellowish, grey haired small small man.  I could do nothing more but to burst out in loud and robust that the funeral director came into the room to see what the commotion was.  He asked me if I was already.  I looked at him and said "Sir, you have no idea."  I faced my biggest demon, and realized he was nothing more than an empty paper bag, crumbled and discard on the side of the road like trash.  I stood tall and felt safe for the first time in my 23 years of life.  I went to the church for his funeral, there were but a handful of people there.  My brother, his girlfriend, a friend of my father's from his job of 30 years, his ex-wife, the priest, my pastor who was there for my moral support, and a person I did not yet know......ME.  47 years of life and he had but a handful of people there, and most did not know him.  My brothers girlfriend, my pastor, and the Priest did not even know him.  How sad.  I laughed in my head.  He lived his life as he lived it and this is how he was to end for him.  With only one loved one there, my brother, the prodical son.  His shadow.  His legacy.  G-d help us. 

    I was born that day.  I became a completely new person.  I took the strength of my inner child and I started to look at my life as if I was able to be a child.  To laugh, to play, to be carefree...I thought....foolish innocense...



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    Thursday, July 17, 2008, 3:01 PM [General]

    I have not written in awhile, not sure why, just have not.  Perhaps my brain is running overtime on just keeping up with life, not sure, but sounds reasonable.  I do not know why things go wrong for some folks and right for others, I am sure none of us do.  I try to not think of this as things go wrong, but ya know you can not make your brain do things sometimes, I think perhaps my brain has a brain of its own.  I simply want an average life, nothing special.  I guess this is not what the plan for me is.  Perhaps I am to be an example for others, perhaps somewhere somehow I am making up for things that were done before me.  Perhaps I am destined to be someone who never will get to the silver lining....I would be happy with the lead one...I am thankful for today, I am thankful for yesterday, and I hope to be thankful for tomorrow....Shalom my freinds...   371d36d75e05eda735858f8e467be99c
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    March 25th...

    Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 6:25 PM [General]

    Today as I look out my window...I see the rose bush we just planted for my mother start to bloom....she sooooo loved yellow roses. Dad bought her some for every Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, her birthday and their Anniversary...and only once at another time, which we later found out was cuz he was in the dog for every day in the future when I see a rose upon that bush, a vibrant yellow rose....
    I will think of my mother...
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    March 7th...

    Saturday, March 8, 2008, 1:28 AM [General]

    Today as I look, I reflect, I see the sun, the birds and the trees, yet I close my eyes and on my lids I can still see the reflection of the window of which I just stared, I keep my eyes closed and visions of snow, of branches weighted down by the heaviness of the light powdery beauty, my heart drifts back to days gone past, to a time of youth, of freeness, and without pain, I sit and remember and my bones shiver from the cold as my soul embraces that time, I can smell the hot chocolate, my mother's homemade chicken soup, and for a moment I wished I could again be young, I wish that the ideal dreams of a child could once again be mine, then the phone rings, and reality and life continue.....
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    March 6th...

    Saturday, March 8, 2008, 1:23 AM [General]

    As I look out my window, my dogs are chasing their shadows...or is it their tails, or perhaps each others tails...they circle and play, finally a huge yard for them in their golden age (11 and 9) the birds sit on the back wall, the trees are all fruited, citrus varieties, large abundant fruit, the leaves on my grapevines are starting to turn green, changing from the brittle dryness of the season past, my wind chimes slightly sway in the gentle breeze, thier melodic sound resonates my soul. A hummingbird the first of the season jets around the patio, I must put up that feeder. I think perhaps I shall get dressed and get up and go out for the first time in a week and enjoy all that is....
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