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    no one understands

    Friday, February 22, 2008, 5:17 PM [General]

    God help me with my ritalin. I am not going to make a fuss that i am short pills because i took to many. I will stop. My dad is right about that point. He did hurt my feelings when he told me he was going to go to a hotel if i cried, and that he is sorry my life sucks, because he didn't really mean it. he is worried about the course of action the doctor wants me to take with my new meds. well I say let me smoke the marijuana then. He thinks it is so bad for me. He blames all my problems on the fact that i smoked when I was younger. I wish both of my parents would realize the benifits that smoking it does for me. I can't talk to them. they don't understand me or the things i need. I feel like they don't care about whats best for me. They won't let me borrow the car to volenteer yet they will let me go to the out patient program. It makes no sense. I feel like they have given up on me. Or at least my dad. He made me feel that way yesterday anyway.

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    another day

    Thursday, February 21, 2008, 5:40 PM [General]

    Everyday is almost the same when you live with bipolar. I have no friends, or interests it seems like. Today I actually left the house and went to the doctor. He prescibed me more meds that proabily won't make me feel any better. I find no happyness in the things i do anymore. I don't feel attractive. My face is finally starting to clear up. I am a bit over weight. believe me this does not help with my self esteem which is at a all time low. I don't know what to do to feel better. I feel like I am stuck in a big dark black hole and I keep climbing to get out, and just when I think I am almost out of the hole, i loose my hold and fall even farther into the hole. My family means the world to me, but I can hardley seem to relate to those most importiant to me anymore. Will my pain ever end. I am tired of trying and I am tired of waiting. I am basically a good person. I don't understand why I am living and feeling the way I do. I pray to god and the angels to help me, but that too feels like it is not helping. I ask you now God in my journal for your help. I can't take this anymore. I would never kill myself because of both my family and your love, but i would not mind if you eased my pain and let me die. I am nothing but a constant worry and burden to my parents. Help me tell me what I am supposed to do to be the person you created me to be. Help me find love, that is what I really crave. "I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok." God please help my mother she is very sick. I think the fact that she is sick and i am waiting for my ssi is not good.  All she does is sleep and I have no one to talk too. I also ask for your help with madison. I want to get down to her level and play and teach her things. I just can't seem to do it. Lastley please help me with my creative outlets. I think they are importiant to helping me with my depression. I want friends and family to finally know that I am something, not just a bum and a burden. Please give me strength to get done what needs to be done so that I make my family happy. I want to make them happy with me and i want to be happy with my life and myself. Please help me, somehow, someway. I always try and listen for your voice or the voice of a angel to give me direction. Maybe I have missed the sought after advice somehow. Please help me to hear you more clearley.

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    if you were gone

    Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 5:50 PM [General]

    Friends come and go, but family is always there. I would miss my dad if he was no longer here.

       I would miss the way he hugs me, the way he plays with me.  No other man could ever replace the special connection me and my dad have. He is so special to me i can't even describe what he means to me. I just write because right now he is on my mind. I am so lucky to have him for a dad.  He can fix almost every thing. If he could he would fix me. He tries his hardest to understand and love me.

       When the day comes where he is gone. I don't know what i will do. He is a big part of my life and a best friend. I am thankful for everyday I have with him. I hope I show my love for him. I want him to know that when he is gone that i loved him so very much.

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    my dad

    Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 5:42 PM [General]

        My dad is a born pisces just like me. Eventhough we have our differences and can fight like cats and dogs, there is no one I would rather strive to be like than my dad.

       He has helped me with so many things, that he should not have to do in this point in my life. He is there wheter i am sad, scared, happy, or sick.

       I admire him because he knows how to handle situations in life, situations that would stress me to no end. He handles his money well and if i had only listened to him I might have some money too.

       He is a very caring person wheter he knows it or not, and i need that from him.

    Dad I love you.

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    dark turns to light

    Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 5:34 PM [General]

     My body is numb from the nights biting chill, I am blind from the darkness of night.  It is exhausting and rough, to find the exact path in life to take.  It is a never ending cycle of tumbles, slips, stumbles, and falls; ocurring repeadily over and over, again and again.  Through fierce determination I overcome my own doubts. I am hell bent on finding the right path.

             Tears begin to arise rapidly, as they violently stream down my saddened face.  Miserable, discouraged, upset, and anxious, I realize each mistaken path leads to yet another wrong path. I can't help but wonder if I will ever find the path which will lead the right way?  Deep in my thoughts, I slip, stumble, and land a painfully hard fall. My body now felt paralized; mentally, physically, and emotionally. All of me seemed not to exist. Now I begin to loose all hope, faith, and optimisim; All I am is a never ending mistake.  My soul and spirit now nearly depleated, I begin to give up in all ways.  My face cut and injured couldn't stop the endless tears still streaming down my face. It's now too dark, all I see is black, making it impossible to ever find my way. Using my blood covered hands filled with deep cuts, caused by sliping into thousands of thorns, I try to wipe the endless tears away.

          Tired and beyond exausted, I decide to lie down in the warm mud of mother earth's blanket. I start to rock my body providing a miniscule amount of comfort, I look up and gaze at the endless night sky.  With no strength or motivation to move, I observe the endless night sky.  Countless stars glitter, each twinkle unique. Yet this happens each and every evening. A tiny sliver of the moon attracts my eyes away from the allure of the twinkling sky.

          Only a tiney sliver, but equally fascinating. I begin to appreciate the endless night sky, and relize both the moon and the countless stars that shine so angelically bright. In this defining moment I begin to become motivated, determined, and with rejuvinated energy I arise to my feet. The stars and moon with their endless beauty provide the light I need.

          Eager, and with no doubt; I make no tumble, slip, stumble or fall, because now I see the light. The light from the night brings light to my life. I am now confident I will find the right path in life.

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    how i feel in this deppression

    Wednesday, February 20, 2008, 5:01 PM [General]

    I have been diagnosed as having bipolar. The medicines I take don't seem to help much. I am deppressed unless I have taken the ritilan prescribed for my A.D.D.  In the past couple of weeks I have been more depressed than usual. I have realized I have lost some great friends, due to my bipolar episode that placed me in the hospital. I have reflected upon this and it hurts. In addition the only friend that was there for me is moving. I had one friend and soon I will have none. I find my self feeling hopeless. I am waiting on social security to be approved to continue with anything in my life. I feel like I stress my parents out and they don't understand me. I feel dependant on them and this does not help with my self-esteem any. So I have no money to get things done. I have to depend on them for everything from shampoo to taking me to my only friends house. I have no friends and no way of making more. Since I saw my doctor last I have been crying for all these reasons. no prescriptions make me feel better. The only thing that brings me relief is marijuana.

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