I'm new to online social networking. Depression is continual. The worst part of the day is waking up at 5am whether I want to or not. The negative thoughts are immediate and worst from waking until about noon. I'm not taking medication right now. It never seemed to work anyway, and I haven't taken anti-anxiety meds since April 18, but I do feel at rock bottom (I think). No self esteem, confidence, motivation for months (years maybe). It seems to worsen daily. I've quit talking about disappointments to friends or family. They are either not receptive, tired of hearing negativity, or just aren't around for me anymore.
I think about things I did even a few months ago and wonder how I managed to get anything done. I don't know how I pushed through it. It just gets more difficult.
I'm frozen with fear of rejection. It seems to have been going from bad to worse for about two years now (probably longer). This is all too embarrassing and revealing to type. I've got a headache right now just thinking about it.
I've been holding onto my home in poverty now for at least five (really ten) years. I'm hungry most of the time but need to pay bills so they come first. I've been borderline employed (unemployed or underemployed) for at least ten years. I raised three kids alone. They are still in my thoughts continually.
My daughter was in a major car accident and was in the hospital for a month in May. She is still recovering and chose to stay with her boyfriend and his parents when she got out of the hospital even though I had no job and could've taken care of her. This deeply hurt me even though I love my daughter more than life itself and would never bring this up to her. She's dealing with enough right now without me adding to her grief. I only want to help her get and feel better. I understand her decision, but it still hurts.
I was in a relationship with an extremely jealous (schizophrenic) alcoholic a few months ago. Thank God it's over. That wreaked havoc with (in retrospect) my already low confidence. I still wonder why I put myself in that predicament and didn't dump him when my gut initially told me to. Looking back, I knew what was best for me from the beginning but held on longer than I should have. It made me stronger in some ways, but now I trust my judgment even less. Why did I do something I would fiercely protect my daughters from?
I had surgery on my right knee a year ago (June 2010) for a torn ACL. I still don't exercise even though I know I would feel better it I did. My knee is much better but still not (and I guess might never be) back to normal.
My confidence is at an all time low. The smallest decisions are almost impossible. I isolate myself in my bedroom. I want to exercise and walk but procrastinate and feel self conscious, like I'm "out on display" for the world to view and criticize.
Job search is beyond depressing. I have pushed myself, but rejections are difficult not to take personally.
I hate where I live (been here 24 years), but I'm afraid of being on the street.
I think about full-time employment all the time, but it has eluded me for so long I don't remember if I can do it. I know I'm able to work, socialize, play, contribute and know logically I should be able to, but then why can't I? What holds me back? Myself. Yes, I know that. I (should) know how to change things. So why do I wallow in myself? Why do I stay in this morbid state?
This might sound ridiculous, but I don't think I feel worthy of love or respect, and I think this stems from childhood, who knows, maybe even birth. Nature vs. nurture. Both maybe?
Sometimes I think if I could get just one break it would mean all the difference, yet part of me wonders why I don't create my own breaks.
The dilemma is how to break this vicious cycle.
I hope my story makes someone feel like they are not the only person who feels hopeless and not more depressed.
I welcome any suggestions.