If I were to judge all of 2010 by the month of January, I'd say, "Game over" and pull the blankets over my head till December.

I launched into this year with enthusiasm.  I prayed long and hard about decisions I needed to make, connections I needed to sever, and the direction I wanted to go. There are pages of entries in my hardcover journal about goals, dreams, and weighing the pros and cons of how to get there. My decisions don't just affect me; I have a family.  As much as I'd like to grab the bull by the horns and wrestle, it's not wise to do so.  But I made decisions that seemed reasonable and doable, and I made a game plan, and I decided that I was going to let faith play a major role in all this. God makes the crooked places straight, right?  He makes a way out of no way?

But I'm also reminded of the quip, "Want to hear God laugh?  Tell Him your plans."

Allow me to do a short flashback here, just for a minute....

The day after my previous entry, we made the longest 15 minute drive ever, taking Bob to the veterinarian's office to be euthanized.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. The kids left for school on that warm, sunny September 11th; my husband and I took Bob outside and let him explore the back yard one last time and I wished I'd had a camera to capture his tiger-like face looking at me from under the Maximillian sunflowers; and then we drove to the vet's.

We cried for two days.  I still cry.  I miss him.  The house feels so different without him. But out other cat, Mel, who used to be very cantankerous and who would bite for no good reason, is suddenly sitting on my lap at night. Either he feels my pain, or he's always needed to be the alpha cat.  Mel doesn't replace Bob, but his new personality is nice.

Ten days after saying goodbye to Bob, I attended a writers conference in Cleveland. I hadn't slept well the night before and had a profound case of "brain fog" - trouble focusing or concentrating, taking a long time to complete simple tasks.  I chalked it up to needing coffee and proceeded to drive to Cleveland (2.5 hours on the Ohio Turnpike).  I was a little late and missed half of the first session.  I had difficulty concentrating even trying to find the room. As the sessions changed, I met two writer friends in the hallway whom I knew that I knew but struggled to come up with their names.  The conversation lasted about a minute.  I lost consciousness.

When I came to, my friend Dee, who coordinates the conference, was looking down at me, wide-eyed and clutching my belongings, and the paramedic at my feet informed me that I'd passed out and they were taking me to the hospital.  I nodded, unable to speak. Inside, I thought, "Well, I'm awake, I'm not in pain, I think this is good."

Two days, a CT scan, an MRI and several rounds of blood work later....I was diagnosed with a petit mal seizure disorder...apparently I've been having symptoms since high school and didn't realize that's what they were.  After a few moments of "WTF?" I breathed a sigh of relief...no tumor, no operations needed, just meds. Which sapped my energy for a while and required multiple adjustments, but now I feel pretty good. And I realized I easily could have blacked out during the drive.  I gave my guardian angels a high five.

Got through the rest of the fall okay, but the Christmas season hit me hard.  I missed my extended family. I missed the "safe places" of my childhood. Participating in the Longest Night service at church helped. More about that later.

This brings us to the end of December/beginning of January.  I tackled the New Year with gusto...began cleaning up loose ends...took a break from martial arts for a month to get organized for work and home...built a web site...landed two editing projects, made new contacts, contributed my time and energy to projects at church and helped my daughters get back into the school year.  Everything was going well. No MegaMillions jackpot or anything but it was going fine - no complaints.

January 15th, my husband became violently ill at home.  That was a Friday.  All weekend he felt "out of sorts"...tired, like his heart was pounding at times or fluttering. We thought it might be the flu, but he never ran a fever.  When this was still going on Monday the 18th, we went to the doctor, who ran an EKG and diagnosed atrial fibrillation and sent us to the emergency room.

After a couple attempts to "convert" his heart rate to normal with drugs didn't work.  It remained in a-fib and averaging 130 bpm resting. Fortunately, the stress test went well, all scans and scopes showed no clots, blood enzymes were all normal.  But after two days, the only option left was a cardioversion with a shock.

Great. Shock therapy for the heart.

I hardly slept for two days. I couldn't afford to be an incoherent blubbering mess, and my husband, who has an anatomy and physiology degree and knew what he was getting into, said, "Do it.  I'd eat a poison dart frog if you told me it would help."

It did work - thanking God again - and a 50 pound weight fell from my shoulders.

He took about a week of leave to rest, but went back to work yesterday, which he immediately regretted because nothing had been delegated in his absence, and projects were on his desk that shouldn't have been, deadlines had been missed and the people who missed them weren't going to care that he had been out with a heart problem.

And about midday yesterday, our furnace gave up the ghost.  The repairman tried to repair the last guy's bogus repairs from a couple years ago, but he couldn't get the motor to run more than one cycle.  So, we are paying for a $3800 furnace with money we don't really have.  The furnace was installed last night because it's about 20 degrees here.  I have to go the credit union and seek financing for the balance.  I really just need a short bridge - I have freelance compensation coming, and our income tax refund will cover 2/3 of the cost.  But in the meantime.....I am scared and slightly depressed and let down.

My friend Jeanne said, "Give it over." And I know what she means.  And I'm trying to. But as I said to someone else, I'm tired of getting slapped every time I do what I'm "supposed" to.

So I'm trying not to write off all of 2010 based on the last couple of weeks.  I hope it's nowhere but up from here. I'm not sure what "lessons" we're supposed to be learning or challenges we're supposed to overcome.

I told my pastor, while my husband was in the hospital, "I know God doesn't give us anything we can't handle but seriously!"