In spite of the past few week's events, I have been looking at the positives of everything and working hard towards my goals of becoming a better person.
I had my third session with my therapist this week and it went very well. I am eager to get all my demons under control so I can live worry free and be able to enjoy my life to the fullest.
I also got farther on my fitness goals than expected. I will soon be renewing my boxing license and begin practicing for professional fighting. This time, I will fight women.
At my work I have been successful at handling my employees and tenants. My raise is coming in March and I cannot wait.
There are a lot of traveling plans I have for this year that I am so excited about. I am going back to NOLA to really enjoy their culture and see some ghosts!
During my visit with my therapist I discovered a lot of ugly sides of me. He made me look at myself from the outside. He wrote down everything he thought was wrong with me but made me read it as if I was reading it to someone else. This really opened up my eyes and gave me more incentive to push myself to change.
In one of the assignments, I had to write down the last five relationships that have really impacted who I am now. It is really funny how I had posted something on Facebook last week about my top five break ups. Either way, I guess I was subconsciously on the right track to change. He made me write a letter to all five of them expressing how I currently feel about them and the break up and what I learned from them. I will write one at a time to not overwhelm anyone.
I feel terrible that our love story happened at the wrong time for me. In a way, I think God sent you to save me from myself after I left Joshua. I wish you could have understood that a love that had grown over three years is not easily forgotten. I was at fault and in a way I kind of used you to get over him. I did love you. I just didn't fall in love with you the second you expected me to. You were great to me. You have shown me the way a man can love a woman where nothing else matters. Unfortunately, your character and your job as a cop made it difficult for both of us to live together. You had your own set of rules and I had mine. We never really did see eye to eye on how to raise children. My son feared you and I could tell that you never really tried to bond with him. You wanted to marry me but it seemed more like you wanted to possess me. I didn't feel I could have my own voice with you. It was always what you said. I appreciate the times you spent holding me while I cried for another man. I bet that was pretty hard. I bet it was so hard knowing that the woman you were madly in love with still loved another man and for that, I am truly sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you. I just wish you would have given me the time I needed to heal from my previous engagement. I tried to explain to you how I felt and you only became mad at me. Maybe if we would have taken things slow, we would still be together. I did fall in love with you. I did want to marry you. Just not when you wanted to. Honestly, when we were moving out of the one bedroom into the two bedroom I freaked out. I had a moment where I had thought that within those months I would be married to Joshua. I became upset knowing that I was starting my life with someone other than him. At that point I knew I was not over him. I needed closure and I am sorry. When I saw him again, I knew I was still in love with him. I sound like the villain in this story and I know. Maybe this is why the past four years have been hell for me trying to find love again. It is karma and I am feeling it now. Regardless, I hurt you more than anyone has hurt you. I am glad we are able to stay friends now and hang out every now and then. That has made it easier for me to forgive myself. Believe me, it was not easy, but I have. I am glad you have found someone that makes you happy and after the last four girlfriends I have met , I think Megan is the best one for you. Wish you the best. P.S. Don't invite me to the wedding!"
After writing and sending this to him I felt such a relief! I am truly blessed to have a friend like him even after everything we have both been through. He has been a really good friend for four years now and it is really funny how now that we know each other so well, we would never be with each other like that again!
Anyway, this freedom I am getting from these therapies is so refreshing!
I have stayed away from bars and alcohol for two weeks now and I must say, I feel 10 years younger. Eating healthy and working out are feeding my heart. I feel so empowered that I started writing the 5th chapter of my book!
I also meditated longer than I did last week. A full 25 minutes of nothing but quiet and my soul. It was priceless.
All in all, I know I still have lots of work to do on myself and even though I spent Valentine's Day alone, I enjoyed a nice home cooked meal with my son and worked out. I did not feel lonely one bit.
Little by little I am getting closer to what I want! Yey...And well, my heart break is all healed now...I guess I really didn't care about him like I thought I did. The therapist said I only felt like that because I had never experienced that type of rejection and my character is made to always get what I want. WINNING!