It's bad it's really, really bad. I am fighting hard to stay strong and keep my sanity. I'm also fighting really hard not to go into the mental hospital. Going to the hospital actually sounds really good to me right now. There they would give me really strong drugs to sedate me and make me like a zombie and I could just sleep as much as I want. Sleep all my troubles, fears, and worries away. But, there is a beautiful, sweet, and innocent little boy who needs me, my four year old son. And, I'm in a major custody battle right now so I have no choice but to keep it together even though I feel like I'm falling apart. I live in constant fear that I might loose him. He is my life and my happiness and my child. If I were to loose him I know that I would take my own life, go to heaven and have the peace that I have always been searching for on this earth, oh and see my daddy!
This past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have never believed in Satan but after this past week I KNOW for sure that I have been under a Satanic attack. I know that it probably sounds crazy because it actually sounds crazy to me. Well, my son and I were suppose to go on a much needed vacation to GA to go boating, rafting, and wakebording. A very close friend of mine since the age of 13 years old heard that I was going to be staying at her friends house and lost her damn mind. She called her to "Warn" her about me, slandered me and made up lies about me. When it got got back to me I was in total shock and devestated.I wrote her several emails telling her how much she hurt me and to please stop. I started getting calls and messages from people (who my so called close friend)thought were my enimies but are actually friends asking me why they are getting "Warnings" that I am coming into town. She kept going this time not with lies but with my most private, intiment, secrets of my life. Now I'm totally devestated. So what did I do? I posted every intiment, private, secret about her life and all the people she judges and talks behind thier back all over facebook and her friends start dropping her. Well, thats what she was hoping would happen to me. Prior to this very painful situation my mom and her friend put a lot of pressure of me to do something that I was not comfortable doing and it gave me really bad anxiety. In fact after my mom and her friend left my house I had one of the worst panic attacks I've had since I was 14 years and I called the Crisis line. Two bottle of my Kolonpin have been stolen from my home within 3 days and when the police officer came to take the report he treated me like I was a lying drug addict. I called the Crisis line again and also his Superviser to report him. I confided in my therapist about a secret and she reported me to Child Protective Services when I became angry with her and was leaving multiple messages on her voicemail. What she did was betray my trust and so I reported her as well because no one was in danger. I also fired and reported my Psychiatrist for lying to me and not calling me back when my Kolonpin were stolen. Then my mom comes over and wants to start a fight with me by telling methat I treated her friend like shit (basically b/c I didn't come through with drugs for her) I said "I don't care, you two through me into a panic attack" thats when my oh so loving mother called me a Sociopath. I quickly told her to get the fuck out of my house. So, today my mom comes over and tell me that this girl that I only hung out with once basically threatened me through calling my mom saying that if i don't answer my phone that she is showing up at my house and she is really angry b/c her boyfriend broke up with her b/c she had been cheating on him and she thinks I'm the one who told. I called my church for help. I told them that I feel like I'm under a Satanic attack and that I'm reaching out for help before I commit myself. This week I have been Slandered, defamation of charcter, caused mental anguish, called the crisis line 3 times, had 2 bottles of pills stolen, treated like shit by an officer, had several panic attacks, betrayed by my Therapist, lied about, and lied to and the list goes on...Anyway, the Pastor agreed that indeed it was a Satanic attack. He prayed and I started to cry then all of the sudden I felt like I was going to throw up. I said I'm sorry but I feel really sick like I'm going to throw up. So he said another prayer and instantly the feeling went away like magic...all I could say was thats wierd. He prayed then I prayed and I turned my life heart and soul over to Jesus Chirst and God! Everything should be great and I should be happy, right? Wrong...
So, since I'm in a major custody battle I need a letter to be able to cross the state line with my son. So after being saved as a child of God and feeling really good about it I called to see if I could pick up the letter. I was told that they were waiting to hear back from my Therapist and Psychiatrist to see how I was doing (remember now I have reported them both) before my trip will be approved. FUCK! There goes my very much needed vacation.
Then the love of my life calls (my fiance Paul) and tells me that he has really bad news. He never says these words to me because he knows i have really bad anxiety. My first thought was Oh no his father must have passed away since he recently suffered a massive heart attack. He goes on to tell me that he was denied his Visa to enter back into the U.S. I said quit joking. Then he started to cry and I knew that he was not joking. I comforted him the best way I knew how and he found strength in my words. However, after hanging up the phone with him I felt like my hope had been shattered, no longer cared about my dreams, I felt very weak and broken, I feel beaten down, I'm so tired of having to be so strong, and I started fantasizing how great it would be to be in Heaven.