well i been trying to find a way not to hurt too much all my life, I didn't believe in God then I did believe in God and meanwhile I tried to find the meaning for everything and what was wrong and why and how to fix it and well I found some meaning and what was wrong but not how to fix it it was like a riddle wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a paradox wrapped in a mystery - once I saw it for what it was there was no path forward only back,
quit with endless escalations of supposedly meaningful circumstances? And what I saw doesn't even have social value because it is so far beyond what people think they like I would just get blank stares talking about it... alas all that effort for nothing! well maybe not exactly nothing I got to see some beautiful sights in my travels :) but anyway I am left just coping with day to day stuff, all the small stuff we like to not think about... i find that all that small stuff is really big stuff it adds up over time and really means something even more than what we are all told to want. So I find myself paying long attention to inconsequential and even hurtful stuff sometimes... often wishing my life could somehow be better on the one hand but on the other hand not even knowing what I might mean when I am moved to say that? Because what I thought I meant now seems worthless.