Level 2 Member
Tuesday, January 12, 2010, 11:19 AM
Dear Christian God,
I was raised in your church and I was taught the Bible. I was taught some good moral values and some that are very destructive that you espouse. I have believed the good part of my whole life without questioning you. I have put faith in you, I have prayed in tears to you. I have asked for your help numerous times. I have been taught that you are all loving, all forgiving, patient, and kind yet, like brainwashing or an abusive relationship, you threaten me with Hell if I do not believe in you. You threaten me with punishment for Sins that are not mine...sure I will take responsibility for my choices and actions but DO NOT hold me accountable for "original sin". I have been utterly dependent on you and our relationship. However, all I have experienced from you is emotoinal distance, rejection, and guilt. You promised to be there in my hour of need, you werent. If you WERE you were lurking in the shadows, sadistically watching me suffer. You see my heart and my dependency on you and you use me. You used my love and trust...now I see it for what it is. You only want what you want without regard for me. You dont love me, you love yourself. Yes, I am imperfect and self-absorbed at times but then I never claimed to be God. And so, I must find the strength to say goodbye...at least until you live up to your promises. Maybe we will meet again maybe we will not. I hope the best for you. I keep thinking of the parable Jesus used about the Shepard leaving his flock to find that ONE lost sheep. If this is true, then you find me. I am tired of looking for you. I am tired of the rejection. I am tired of the distance. I am tired of your emotional disconnection. I am tired of your threats of punishment. I have TRIED my best and if that isnt good enough for you, then I will never be. Call me Doubting Thomas if you will but I need more than legends and tales from the Bible. I need something REAL. I will be in the Woods if you want me, I will be in the only place I DO feel the Divine...nature. IF you really want me you will know where I am. If not, then this is goodbye. I cannot suffer this way anymore.
Thursday, August 27, 2009, 1:27 PM
I have been practicing my meditation skills and shamanic journeying. In doing so I have found my sacred space in the Otherworld...a dimly lit grove that allows beams of golden sunlight to stream in...a boulder on the eastern edge facing a forrest stream that marks the boundary of the grove. I visit here when I meditate..for a while now I have been alone and never experienced anyone or anything there. However, a few days ago I entered the meditation and was greeted on a path entering the grove by, what I knew by heart not by sight, was the Mother Goddess. She lead me into the Grove which was on a Full Moon. In the Grove there was a bonfire in the center and torches marking the boundaries in a full circle. There were beings dancing and celebrating in Skyclad...I was skyclad...everyone was and it was so peaceful, so natural. The Mother welcomed me home and led me to the Father God...horned and all. Together they sent me on a journey across the water of the stream to get a necessary message about my recent spiritual struggles. Here is my vision:
When in the Otherworld I am a wolf called Running Wolf...as the mental pictures I see are a wolf/me sprinting through the night in ecstasy...anyways, I encountered three animal totems the deer/stag, wolf, and owl. Deer = balance in spirt/physical/emotional, develop sensitivity psychically, and cultivate a gentle heart. The wolf = Gaining freedom, a need for balance, developing individuality while cultivating a sense of belonging in the community. A balance of power and gentleness...have confidence in your selected path. Owl = wisdom, extra sensory abilities, a guide through the dark...death and resurection...a letting go of old ways and emerging into a new life. Encouragement to holdfast.
This was the answer I have been seeking for so long. I have struggled with insecurity, uncertainty, and doubt and this answered my prayers...to find balance through cultivating sensitivity, gentle heart, courage to forge new paths. There will be a guide to help you through this time of hardship. Be kind to yourself. Trust.
In an additional meditation/ journey the Lord of the Forrest spoke tome and encouraged me to "follow the spiral path". I am not sure what that means but my intuition says that it means to continue following the spiritual path I am on, look inward deeply, be authentic and genuine in my search for truth and I will find what I seek.
I feel a very strong connection now to something, someone powerful...like the sun about to crest the horizon in the dawn. I will see what the dawn brings.
Blessings to all.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009, 2:47 PM
I want to say thank you to my clinical supervisor, and now good friend, for teaching me what really matters most in being a psychotherapist, and a human being. Five years have passed and we havent missed a weeks session. I would like to share some of the more poignant lessons I've learned from my supervisor.
1. Relationships are what matter most in life...not money, power, fame. Relationships are the substance that holds life together, some are born in situations where they cannot get this basic need met and are deeply wounded. However, in the human spirit lies a greater power, a power that instinctively seeks growth, healing, and connections...our job is to help remove those barriers to growth and let the person do the rest.
2. Listen deeply, say little. When you do speak, think deeply before the words exit your mouth. Besides, letting the person talk freely will always lead to the heart of their issues. We humans have the need to process our thoughts/feelings...we dont like to admit it, but we do. We often try to hide such needs through drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, etc. Those are just band-aids.
3. Never judge. You dont know what you would actually do if you were in the same position. I have worked in a community mental health clinic with the poorest of the poor and the sickest of the mentally ill. I am still amazed at the need for love and connection that even the most grossly psychotic person needs...people are people no matter what color their skin, no matter how much money they make. Love them all just the same.
4. Be Genuine. Learn all the techniques, theories you can...then forget them. Being real is what matters with people. Especially with people who have been hurt, burned, and abused and can smell a liar a mile away. Besides, those hurt people are all of us to some degree.
5. Boundaries. You gotta have them. The are what determines what defines you individually and relationally. They make us and break us. People will try to draw you into their life drama, to play a part that is not originally yours, help them have an emotionally corrective experience by showing them a new relationship through good boundaries.
6. Never assume you know what another person is thinking, feeling, experiencing...more times than not when you do this you are wrong and you are actually talking more about your own issues than listening to someone elses.
7. Know yourself. Know your vices. Know your biases. They WILL come through in your relationships, whether personal or professional. Go to therapy. Society makes fun of therapy but thats because most are afraid of what is really going on inside them. This fear imprisons people, makes them slaves to themselves. Growth is about letting go of fear and gaining strength/freedom.
8. Service. Give freely withut expecting something in return. Our job is often not immediately rewarded. We plant seeds in every contact we make with others, what kind of fruits will those seeds yeild? Good, empowering, growth fruit or something more sinister and destructive.
I will miss you greatly. Thank you for the invaluable lessons in life and work. You've raised me, a great therapist. Now if I could learn to apply all those lessons...lol. We all have our vices! haha.
Monday, August 24, 2009, 9:01 AM
Sitting and waiting for the mystical experience of God/dess is driving me insane. Cant sit, cant wait any longer. I can only take charge of my life and my actions and my relationships. I will no longer be the hunted, I will become the hunter. I will hunt for the Divine and I will rest in the assurance of knowing I have done my best, even if I fail. Truly the journey, rather than the destination, is the purpose. I vow to listen to my heart, to follow my intuition, to question both and what is left standing will be the path I follow. There seems to be no clear path through the Dark Wood rather I must blaze my own path. I can only do what I can do. Peace and Blessings. Pray for me.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009, 12:07 PM
I have been wondering...what IS a spiritual experience? I hvae been thinking so much about this (I admit I often over analyze things): If we are physical beings that are also spiritual beings...and there is overlap between the physical and spiritual worlds...should spiritual experiences be more concrete, discernable, and exact or must they be mystical, vague, and intuitive?
I have had what I thought was spiritual experiences but I am wondering if they only sprang from my unconscious/subconscious desires for connection to the Goddess (or God or Universe...whatever).
If then, there is a God/Goddess who desires a relationship with us...how does he/she communicate with us...through mental impressions, feelings, intuition or through literal verbal/audio communication...or through signs in the natural environment?
Oh, I realize everyone will have their differing opinions of this subject but it is still one I am trying to figure out. How do I trust my intuitions?
The conclusion that I came to is that when the divine speaks it must be in such a way that we cannot attribute the experience to our own desires and expectations yet will have a very significant personal meaning that we cannot deny it as anything BUT spiritual communication.
Being raised Christian, we were taught that if we prayed "right" God would "speak to us". I havent found it to be so literal despite the literal teaching of such communication.
So now as a pagan, what am I looking for...what should I expect from the Great Mother? I at times have a sense of her presence, a constant animal companion or totem follows me (which could, in reality be my own interpretation instead of reality). What to expect?
Should I look for the concrete direct communication or trust my gutt?