I noticed the other day that I am an angry person. Not in the rude, obnoxious, foaming-at-the-mouth kind but the kind of angry that always seems to boil underneath the surface for reasons slightly out of awareness. I had several initial reactions...first, I was repulsed because this is NOT the person I envision myself being. Second, I felt a surge of exhiliration...wanting to lash out. Third, and most importantly, I saw how vulnerable my heart is and how I posture myself in defensive ways to protect that heart. I expect conflict, anticipate it, fantasize about it....about protecting my heart. I realized then that it wasnt anger I was truly feeling but an intense sense of inadequacy as a person, doubt of my goodness. I noticed how sad I truly am. That my seemingly easy confidence on the outiside is just skin deep. I see that I overreact and lash out when my sense of inadequacy is tickled. I remember then memories from long ago...a hypercritical father, emotionally cold and harsh...mom who was seldom around. I realized that my critical voice was my fathers and my sense of inadequacy was the lesson he instilled in me..."lazy" "no good" "stupid" etc. etc. etc. How ingrained are these lessons learned from early early childhood and how POWERFUL they return to haunt us. I still want to please him and gain his love and acceptance....I yearn for it. He is still so distant. Another dawning insight...that is the exact relationship I feel I have with God...distant, cold, unhelpful. I think this is why I struggle so much with my faith. I keep seeing father in the Father...maybe that is my problem..maybe its a barrier. But what if it isnt? My heart aches but I am convinced that these dawning insights will only make me stronger. We will see.