I just have not been able to make myself do anything, but read my email from Beliefnet and the very few friends that still converse with me. I am so dammed depressed and wish I could be as strong a, Therese from Beyond Blue. The pain in my back has worsened the numbness in my leg has begun to be more numb then not .. Kind of like my brain sometimes. Now add to it a right forearm and hand that has begun to tingle and periodically become numb, I cannot extend my hand or wrist and after 3 nerve studies a MRI to rule out a brain tumor the doctor says you are a mystery… really? I ask, I could have told him that. Oh, one more thing to add, I have a protruding disc in my c-spine that is hurting so bad the past three days I cannot sit still, that goes with the torn rotator cuff of the left shoulder.. All from walking in my sleep and falling in the kitchen. It appears the doc’s are more fascinated by a 45 year old women that sleep walks then the injury itself.. or injuries.

I know I am babbling, today is one of those days that I feel like I cannot do this anymore. Do what, you may ask? Heck lets start with depressed. I am so tired of not waking up with at least some hope.. Hope of anything. I want so badly to wake up one morning feeling somewhat happy maybe at least content. But first you have to be able to sleep. I have not slept an entire 8-hour nite since the day of the accident, September 23, 2002. I sleep 2 hours if I am lucky 3 and the pain wakes me or the fact I am wetting the bed and cannot move because my right leg has gone completely numb.

Let’s see, I feel like I cannot take any more pain. But what right do I have to say that, no one wants to be in pain, right? Why should I be able to turn it off when I do not want it, when others have to suffer? Physical pain starting in my back, the site of 11 back surgery’s that I would have to say 9 failed. Then there is the on and off sciatica when my leg is not numb. The new pain from my sleep walking incident, shoulder, the neck as I write this is passing searing pain down my right arm, the elbow pain and numbness of my hand that does not want to work. Ah, but there is also the emotional pain.

Does anyone else hurt, I mean really hurt as they discover just how lonely they are? I mean if I were to choose to end this miserable life, which I am not, I can think of only one person I could call that would probably have me committed, so I wouldn’t call her anyway, and being the really cool person she is, I’d probably get her voicemail, only because her and her significant other cherish their time alone. But still she’d be the one I’d call, Jane, my angel who saved me so many times.

So what am I doing to help any of this? Well, I am back online checking out the site looking to see if I can help with anyone from all I have been thru, yes there is more, Jane keeps telling me to write a book. And then I am also looking for guidance, help, advice, whatever the name might be.. A glimmer of hope maybe, so many souls have so much to offer through their pain and suffering.

So now that my hand won’t work so much now I need to stop this immature babbling and just look and read and pray and hope and go on….. Right?