Officially it is 3:30 a.m., Monday October 5, 2009, but my mind remains in Sunday October 4, 2009. I turned 45 Sunday. For months leading to this day I have pondered "how could I have gotten so old and broken"? I have been told once or twice I live in the past, and yes I am/ was pondering all the years prior of wonderful love, terrible breakup's, my many years of being a paramedic - the job I always wanted to do and loved as much as life itself. My family (what's the saying, "you can pick your friends but not your family"?), my Mother who died when I was 18 the and best friend I ever had and respected, my pets, my church, the despair of my current loneliness and depression. The overwhelming physical pain I suffer from the 11 + back surgery's I have had since that fateful day on September 23, 2002, when the lady driving behind us decided to look in the backseat at her child instead of our brake lights. So where do I go from here?

My life has been at times all that I ever wanted it to be and at other times less then I ever imagined. Looking way back I guess I had it easy. My childhood was full of tree climbing, creek swimming, big hill sledding, cool dreams, loving parents who provided more then they should have at their expense, only soured by my sister with her "middle child syndrome" ,(of course I am the spoiled baby of the family), and the "dirty old man" who lived next door and took advantage of my innocence for over 8 years,sexually molesting me.

I excelled in school, from high school then college, realizing then I was very different from my older siblings who hated school and restrictions placed on their "social lives". Instead of doing what seemed to be the expectations of the long list of relatives and generation values, I pursued freedom. Dating only once seriously, once again what I thought I was supposed to do. I moved around with friends leading me from the childhood area I grew up in Maryland to Washington D.C., to Pennsylvania where I now live. All the while building upon my career finally obtaining the degree I wanted in paramedical studies and working my childhood dream. Still single I worked and worked, weekends and holidays much to the dismay of my family. Choosing to live miles away I saved my money not to buy a house, but to buy a reliable vehicle so I did not have to worry about breaking down in the "boone docks" and traveling & vacationing within my means which usually meant camping enjoying peace in God's outdoors beautiful home.

Okay, so that is the short version and the fateful day of my birth has past. Ironically I was sick the entire day. Severe debilitating pain has begun to overwhelm my broken body, seemingly worse the day before each new day arrives. My heart stills feels shattered, even after the 8 years that have past since the day I heard "I don't love you anymore" the door slammed and love was gone, it feels like forever. The accident which left me permanently disabled, ending my career as quickly as the love I had lost. I am told I can never work again, expect severe pain forever with the promising prospect of being in a wheelchair sooner rather the then later.

So where do I go from here? I have tried so hard to remain in contact with the distant 2 or 3 friends I worked with (out of the dozen or so that said you are the best friend I ever had), and building upon the friendships I have formed at my church. Even though my circle of friends of my "church family" are very special, all are mostly sixty years old married with children, grand children and great grand children. These folks are not the type you can say " Hey want to go get a beer and shoot some pool?" Internet dating and friend finding prove to be to expensive for my small stipend of Social Security Disability monthly paycheck besides the matches are not as accurate as advertised.

So at 45, my physical body feels broken due to trauma and chronic illness and disease, my chronically depressed mind that takes me close to that deep hole of despair, my heart that still feels as shattered and as real as it did years ago and the loneliness that has envelopes me. I have no idea how to fight the feeling like there is nothing to look forward to in days to come.

My physical limitations are not a cop out or pity seeking, but real, affecting my daily living. The depression that worsens loneliness or visa versa causes everyday disruption of family relationships. Chronic pain has labeled me as a "druggie" to my family and some medical staff I encounter for my other ailments. Of course my financial situation is no different then most of the nation, making living paycheck to paycheck an awful burden. So where do I go from here?

Okay, now that I have written more then I wanted to, hoping no one thinks I am feeling sorry for myself, but hoping someone out there understands where I am in life, NOT seeking pity or sympathy. As the sun rises today and I pray to God for strength to make it through another day He has so graciously given me. Maybe, just maybe I'll find a way to help another in a similar situation today and I will find the ability to figure out where do I go from here .......