Independence Day 2009 ......
Independence, being free to make choices, ability to stand on your beliefs, Independence, something I have very little of.
September 23, 2002 on the way to see a neurosurgeon about a bulging disc in my lower back, someone rear ended a friend and I. That was the last shift I worked after 25 years of being a Paramedic. I had worked overnight from 6 p.m. Sunday night until 6 a.m. that Monday morning. Recently had been promoted to assistant manager. My life looked up after suffering 7 years of severe depression, recovering from a horrible break up and financial disaster.
At the moment of impact the disc herniated, from that moment on until 2005 I required 11 back surgery's, leaving me 100% permanently disabled, including a permanent lifting ability of 25 pounds. ( heck our med bag and EKG monitor each weighed 25 pounds!)
I moved into my own double wide mobile home, a nice place I can have my pets, in the "boon docks", 2 counties away from where I lived for 18 years. Co-workers left behind, all of whom said they were my friends, yet none communicate with me now. I thought I could do it, take care of myself, the dog & cat, mow the lawn, clean the house. Within a year, I could tell that life had other plans. The best thing I ever did living here was to become a Christian and joined a wonderful little country church.
However, as the years have passed since that day a women was not watching the road, my independence has been dwindling. I have fought hard to keep it, continually hurting, now labeled a "chronic pain patient", a label I despise.
Independence, it is leaving me. I lost my car when a family member borrowed it and was involved in an accident, totaling it, leaving me with payments to make on a vehicle that no longer existed. Independence lost. To wash dishes, vacuum, and trying to maintain a pool which, was one reason I bought the home ( it is the best physical therapy for back injuries), I am unable to do without a increase of already severe pain. Independence lost. Financial destruction urges me to allow family members to move in a "win - win situation" money wise ... more Independence lost.
As I woke up this morning, took a walk outside to let Calypso & Sara Jane my pup dogs, I watch my own American flag flap in the wind. Saying a quiet prayer for ALL those whom fought and are still fighting for our freedom, our Independence, I selfishly wondered if anyone cares about me and my Independence or lack there of.
This past year has been particularly bad, as the pain increases, causing cries of pain, days spent in bed, just because I planted a few flowers in my flower bed. My pain management doctor days there is not much more can be done to control the pain, as I already am on a high dose of a narcotic. The other medications I have become tolerant to. Independance lost.
A new doctor to get his opinion, can anything be done to improve my condition or at least something to keep me at this already dark, lonely, painful place. No, " I am sorry nothing else can be done". Independance lost, my abilities to do have decreased drastically.
How can I find any independence in myself, when I now care for my aging father who lives with me. He has battled heart disease, survived heart bypass surgery, a full body infection that nearly killed him, liver cancer 3 years ago which he was given 6 months to live. Now he has a low back herniated disc, severe arthritis and both of us remain depressed. Yet he remains failrly independant, working around my house and taking care of me more then I do him, but I know he misses his independence of owning his own home, alone.
Thank God, our country can celebrate Independence Day, every day. How can I celebrate my own Independence when I have very little, am extremely lonely, becoming more depressed and overwhelmed with life?
Does anyone out there feel the same way, do you feel left out of life as I do, feeling there is no future but pain and dependence on others? If so, you are in my prayers as is Our United States of America, knowing there are those fighting for the nation, but wonder who may be fighting for me?
Please God, help me to gain some independence back, so I may have something to look forward to, not just dark, physically & mentaly surffering and oh so alone.
God Bless the USA!
